Hey, I just met you — and this is crazy…
OK, you know you’ve heard this Carly Rae Jepsen song once or a thousand times. It’s destined to be all over this summer, so you might as well get used to it. But I wouldn’t recommend it’s chorus as an actual pick-up line. In fact, most pick-up lines probably don’t work too well, but they are still fun enough to reflect on later. Here’s what was so bad it stuck with us — and which ones were so cheesy, they might actually have worked.
Bridget McManus: It drives me crazy when women used to approach me and say “My friends think you’re straight so I came over to find out.” Instead of saying “Oh really? No, I’m a lesbian! What’s your name, Sailor?” I’d erupt and insist on meeting and correcting the person who was talking shit about me being straight.
“She’s so not gay. Go ask her!”
Photos from Getty
Heather Hogan: Sometimes people who know me a little bit think a fun way to flirt with me is to insult Harry Potter or Skins. You know, just old school playground-chasing, hair-pulling shenanigans. Except if you insult Naomily or Hermione Granger, it’s basically like punching God in the face. So I don’t think it’s cute. I think it’s going to make you go to hell. So, no thank you, I wouldn’t care for a drink — and also: Cruccio!
Courtney Gillette: As a super awkward and freshly minted queer teenager I used to approach cute girls and ask, within the first 30 seconds of conversation, “So, um, do you have a girlfriend?” Cringe! I’d like to think my flirtation skills have evolved since then. Now I can hold about an hour of conversation before asking, “So, um, do you have a girlfriend?” Juuuuuuust kidding. Kinda.
“So, you’re single, right?”
Grace Chu: People who write cut and paste generic e-mails on online dating sites are like people who write cut and paste generic cover letters. “It looks like we have a lot in common.” Really? Your profile says that you are vegan. Mine clearly states that I have the appetite of Anthony Bourdain and that food is my religion. Next!
Mia Jones: I have a knack for attracting people who are already in relationships. It doesn’t matter if you are a man, woman or child (apparently I look very young in person) but just last week I had a guy trying to hit on me and when I told him I was strictly non-dickly he said, “Well, my wife is into girls too.” she came over and tried to dance with me and I said no and ordered another drink. The guy looked at me and said, “What, is my wife not pretty to you?” No thanks creepers!
I also had a girl (in front of her girlfriend) say, “If my girlfriend wasn’t here, I’d f–k you.” No, you really wouldn’t!
“Come on, who doesn’t enjoy a threesome?”
Lucy Hallowell: When I was nineteen the first girl I kissed basically said “I’m not gay, this isn’t going to happen again after this weekend, but want to make out with me?” Like a sucker I said sure. But I got the last laugh because even now, 13 years later, I like to bring up to my wife how wrong she was.
Ali Davis: On my 25th birthday, I was in a club in Chicago and a mousy little couple from Indiana talked to me for about 45 seconds and then the guy said. “We’re just getting into threesomes!” I know they were from Indiana because they wanted me to get into their van with them and drive there for the threesome.
I politely declined, so I’ll never know if they really wanted a threesome or if they just wanted to murder me.
I used to tour with The Second City, and one night I was in a bar after a show on a college campus. I was having what I thought was a perfectly normal conversation with one of the students when he suddenly put on his Suave Face, said “So. It must get lonely on the road.” and then took a significant, manly sip of his drink.
In fairness, he was a really good sport about how hard I laughed.
This Huddle topic makes me a little sad because I realized that I’ve never had a woman use a cheesy pickup line on me. Ladies, you have your marching orders.
Erika Star: Well, I hear “Is your friend single?” quite often. Wah wah. As for lines I’ve used, I don’t try and pick up any one. Are you kidding? Too hard, too scary.
Trish Bendix: Usually women are very sweet and just ask to buy me a drink. but when it comes to guys, they are more forward in a weird way. My favorite is “Hey, gimme your number.” No “Hi, my name is” or “Excuse me, Miss” — just a demand that they can put my digits in their cell under something like “Thick girl from NoPo” and call me when — well, who knows when! I’d rather not think about it. At any rate, things only get worse if you say, “Sorry, I’m a lesbian.” Inevitably their retort is “I don’t mind — bring your girlfriend.”
What’s the worst line you’ve ever used? Have you had a terrible one said to you?