Dara Nai: The most memorable prison scene has got to be from The L Word, when Bette and Candace the carpenter were thrown into the same jail cell. Candace had previously told Bette that when people hire a contractor, they always want it good, fast and cheap. But you can only have two out of three: good and fast, but it won’t be cheap, good and cheap, but it won’t be fast, or fast and cheap, but it won’t be any damn good. Now, alone in a one-cot cell wearing prison-issued quick-release draw string pants and all the guards on a lunch break, they could totally get it on, but what do they do instead? Candace lies down and Bette has her way with the cold, hard wall- pressing her face into its grimy surface, her hot, dewy breath reactivating whatever mold has been lying dormant there. It redefined “dirty talk” and didn’t cost them a thing. I bet there are thousands of lesbians who never wanted to be a cinder block so much in their lives. It lasted all of a minute and a half, so I guess Candace was wrong. You can have it good, fast and cheap
A fight breaks out in a common area as Gaga is summoned to answer a call from Beyonce, and bystanders cheer. After Gaga picks up the phone during the raucous melee, she finds out that Beyonce a/k/a Honey B is nice enough to bail her out of jail. Honey B picks Gaga up in Kill Bill‘s Pussy Wagon, and they agree to exact revenge on Honey B’s womanizing boyfriend, played by Tyrese, by poisoning him. The next few lines are some of the best in any production.
Gaga: You know what they say—once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger.
Beyonce: Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broke.
Gaga: But you can still see the crack in that mother f*cker’s reflection.
Gaga takes over the kitchen of the diner where Tyrese is hanging out and starts cooking up a storm—and adds the planned secret ingredient to Tyrese’s condiments. After being poisoned, Tyrese falls face first into his eggs and biscuits, but it turns out Gaga decided that one guy expiring by tainted breakfast wasn’t enough. The entire restaurant keels over from her delectably deadly recipes, she and Honey B make a run for it in the Pussy Wagon. As they drive towards the horizon, they clasp hands, and the final scene is framed in a giant heart.
Hmm… I think it’s time to make a road trip. Who wants to drive to Westboro Baptist Church and make a sandwich? Ok, I kid. I kid.
Trish Bendix: I’m going with Nancy’s (Mary-Louise Parker) prison GF, Zoya, on Weeds. If only they could’ve worked things out! I guess Jenji Kohan was inspired to instead save the prison fodder for OITNB.
What’s your favorite women-in-prison scenario on screen?