Sometimes it would be a lot easier if we all wore rainbow flags to signal our gayness to possible dates. It’d also be great to have something that said “uninterested” when a dude approaches. (For lesbians, that is. If you’re bisexual, it might be a different story!)
This week, we shared how we deal if a member of the opposite sex is coming on to us. Some of us took this more seriously than others.
Grace Chu: “Oh, you are quite a handsome guy! But I’m gay. Do you have a sister?”
Chloe: “Your body repulses me.”
Heather Hogan: One idea is to follow him to the top of a lighthouse and stab him in the gut with a pocket knife.
Marcie Bianco: I have very little patience for men in general—Feminist Killjoy! So, I flat out say, “I don’t like men.” If that confuses them, I say, “I’m a lesbian. Again, I don’t like men.” If, being of the Neanderthal kind, my language still baffles them, I say, “Get away from me. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!”
Karman Kregloe: N/A (I’ll let you know if it ever happens.)
Ali Davis: Even as a bi girl, I’ve never had a problem with, “Thanks, but I’m just more interested in women right now.” It usually leads to an interesting conversation and the guy saves face. Worst-case scenario is that I have to escalate to being hung up on one woman in particular, which is often completely true.
Jill Guccini: If I think a guy is actually hitting on me, I normally go, “Uhhhhh,” and then freak out and run away. Wait, everyone doesn’t do that? FOR THE RECORD, I feel I should clarify that I would also freak out and run away if girls ever hit on me. I would just maybe run away slightly slower. Hahaha flirting is weird.
Dana Piccoli: First I pass out from shock. When I come to, and he’s offering me a glass of water, I grab him by the popped collar of his polo shirt and just softly whisper, “Rosebud.”
Kim Hoffman: This literally just happened to me at a dive bar a few nights ago (on the night of the full moon no less, so of course WEIRD things were bound to happen) I was having a drink with my girlfriend when a dude walks up and hands me a rose and says, “See the guy with long hair over there? This is from him.” I immediately shook my head and said, “I can’t accept that. I’m here with my girlfriend.” He then responded with, “I’m just the messenger. Are you really not going to take this flower?” And I said, “That’s right. I’m really not. I have a girlfriend. I’m gay. The end.”
Punky Starshine: I usually make small-talk, and I only pull the lesbian card if I sense he’s not noticing my not-interested body language. Once a guy used a god-awful pick up line on me, and I laughed in his face and told him a) I’m a lesbian, so you didn’t have a chance anyway, but b) you can’t ever use that on a female ever again. (I get a little brave and a lot sassy when I drink.) Next thing I knew, I had a gaggle of guys asking me to rate their pick-up lines on a scale of “one to never.” It was hilarious. Spoiler alert: Most of them were “never.”
Lucy Hallowell: When I take my sticking up all over the place hair, college hockey team emblazoned hoodie, baggy ass, whatever my kids ate for breakfast covered jeans wearing self to the playground with my crazy ass kids, you bet your sweet bippy that all the dads sidle right up and say “How you doin’?” I’m a catch, so how can you blame them?