People love to ask if there could be a gay version of The Bachelor, pondering why it would or wouldn’t work. Well we’re here today to discuss what the hell would happen if there was a lesbian Bachelorette—the inevitable issues that would come up in the house full of gay women all vying for the same lady’s attention and heart. (In short, shit would go down.)
Ali Davis: Whoever gets the first date immediately gets the final rose.
Heather Hogan: Well, for starters, all the contestants would already know each other and have dated/been engaged/been married. The house would have to be twice as big because everyone would want to bring their pets. Half of all episodes would be devoted to the contestants hooking up with each other because of old feelings. And the show would end halfway through the season when the whole damn compound blew up because of feelings. A nightmare scenario, really. It’s why I cancelled Showtime halfway into the first episode of The Real L Word. (Except for the cats/dogs things, which is 85 percent of how I judge character. Love your animals, I love you.)
Grace Chu: Even if the cast were randomly chosen, most of the house would already be Facebook friends or recognize the others from OkCupid or Tinder. There would probably be two ex couples in the house, and since they don’t cast unattractive people on TV and there will be a lot of booze, expect the bachelorettes to engage in “shenanigans.”
Lucy Hallowell: The rose ceremony would take up the entire week because of all the “why I cut you”/”why can I never find love on a reality show” processing that would happen.
Elaine Atwell: Multiple cases of mistaken identity would arise out of the number of lesbians with the exact same pixie cut and plaid shirt. All the women would get on the same cycle, leading to an episode where the only action is cramp-complaining and barbecue chip consumption.
Anna Pulley: “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to tell you about this amazing campaign to save the Orca whales.”
Valerie Ann: They would have to screen contestants beforehand to find out if any are fangirls, and if so, of what shows, so they can choose wisely to avoid shipping wars. I imagine real-life shipping wars would end in real-life bloodshed.
Erika Star: Episodes going into overtime due to processing and personal monologues getting cut short by the orchestra. Maybe Kleenex shortages. Wait, this was suppose to be if my life was a show, right?
Kim Hoffmann: When all the ladies arrive, someone would announce that the pool and hot tub are “shut down because a pipe burst” until further repair, and there would be a collective gasp. As quickly as that debacle unfolds, an open bar tiki hut would emerge and before you know it, the girls are chatting, laughing, giggling, and boozing into the late hour. At just the right moment, when one of the sharp lez contestants is paying close, judgmental attention to the one girl who can’t handle her liquor, a remote control would power up the hot tub and the pool lights would blast on—sending the girls into a total frenzy, juggling their boozy cups as they strip down to their underwear and jump into the pool. By the time the episode ends, 75% of the girls have made face with each other in the hot tub, mascara and hair dye running down their faces, and at the first rose ceremony, Tila Tequila comes out from behind the curtain to give a poorly scripted speech about emotions, lady-love, and getting busy on camera. None of this would stop any of the ladies from bedroom-hopping, face-slapping, gossipy rumor-spreading, and at least one contestant would fly home to LA because she lied to the cast and has a girlfriend back home she is still very much with.
Dara Nai: I had to look up the show’s format on Wikipedia because I’ve never seen a single episode. Which is super weird, considering how deeply I care about straight people and their televised marriage proposals. But now that I know how the show works, here’s what I imagine would happen:
Absolutely nothing would happen on the first group date because the lesbian bachelor (lesbelor? bachbian?) is so shy, she spends the entire night nursing one beer, pushing the bangs out of her eyes, and asking the camera op if she thinks this one or that one likes her.
During the elimination rounds, all those who admit to sleeping with a guy, voting Republican, or unapologetically liking veal will be sent packing. Four contestants will have coupled up and left on their own. Two will have a huge screaming match about Palestine and/or Pretty Little Liars and stop speaking to each other. And one will quit the show when she starts having an affair with a married associate producer.
The rose ceremony will devolve into a debate about the sustainability of commercial flower production. The entire cast will lobby the production company to boycott roses and start using organic sage, dipped in menstrual blood.
In the finale, the lesbian bachelor will give up and start a band, or apply to grad school. Or both.
“Well we’re already planning to go on an Olivia Cruise together.” “But she told me she preferred Mich Fest!”
Dana Piccoli: Are you kidding? We’d never even get to the rose ceremony. There would be so many “energy exchanges” amongst the contestants on the first night, the show wouldn’t even have enough lesbians left by Day Two to continue. It would be 12 hours of non-stop talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, writing, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming.
Trish Bendix: At least one girl would be outed as not truly being gay, but using the show to catapult her career as a singer/actress/model. That girl, of course, would be the one the Bachelorette truly fell for and would be heartbroken to say goodbye to. Producers would never admit if they knew she was straight beforehand, but appreciated the great TV.
What do you think would be going down if there was a gay Bachelorette?