Now that Fun Home has turned into a hit musical and an adaptation of But I’m a Cheerleader is poised to hit the stage in London, it looks like lesbian-themed stage shows are becoming a reality. Of course we have many ideas for what queer-themed TV shows and movies would lend themselves so well. Surely you do, too!
OK, crew, what should be Broadway’s next big lesbian musical?
Dana Piccoli: Desert Hearts would be amazing. So many terrific characters, with a country western theme! Vivian would have the big ballads, Kay would soar with a cheeky uptempo about the love that dare not speak its name. But the best, would be anything sung by Silver, who would certainly steal the show.
Marcie Bianco: Oh The L Word! There can be a song called “Circles! Oh, Papi, Circles!” and another called “No Bisexuals on the Basketball Court.” And ANOTHER called “Monet is Calling, Can You Hear Him?”
Elaine Atwell: Well now my brain is overloading with how great Imagine Me and You would be in song. Rachel could learn to belt to “You’re A Wanker, Number Nine,” they could drift closer together in “Everything You Need to Know About Space,” “and make sweet sweet lady kissed to “THORNS IN MY BUM.”
Dara Nai: I still think, after all this time, Bound is one of the best lesbian movies ever made, mostly because it doesn’t annoy me in one way or another, like the rest. So while it might be a mistake to tamper with perfection, a musical version could be good in the way that “Once More with Feeling” was a great episode of Buffy. Some titles from the Bound songbook:
“Snake that Tub,” “Coffee for Two,” “Curious, Perhaps,” “Fucking Dark in Here,” “Smellin’ My Fingers,” “Bound,” “Know What’s Upstate? Prison,” “All Part of the Business,” “I Can See Again,” “Who’s Laughing Now? (Johnnie’s Song),” “These Walls, They’re So Thin,” “Oops, I Dropped the Scotch,” “You Don’t Know Shit,” “Bound, Reprise” and “My New Truck.”
“We’re going to kill that man and take his money/Then we’ll get married, I promise, honey.”
Lucy Hallowell: Fried Green Tomatoes with all the gay put back in that the movie cut out. Idgie could sing “I’m as Settled As I Want to Be” and Ruth would sing “You ‘Ol Bee Charmer” and then we’d all sob into our playbills at the end. Oh and Sipsey would have a song called “Secret’s in the Sauce.”
“You can charm anybody, even the bees/Oh Idgie, you make me so weak in the knees.”
Kim Hoffman: Well this is totally a chance for Lip Service to change the course of its history and provide a little closure: a reincarnation of Cat. The fragments of a could-have-been-amazing show that we were left to cry in a puddle over would be clarified through song and dance, complete with a scene where Cat is taken away by spirits and goes to Scottish heaven where a lesbian mother goddess (God to patriarchal earthlings) tells her she has more work to do on earth—with Frankie. Cue the song “Frankie Isn’t Shane.” The best choreographed number would involve Lexy and Detective Sam jogging, sweating and stretching. Other song ensembles would include: “This Is How You Scissor” and “Some Things Shouldn’t Be Destroyed (They Killed Her Off)” “The Detective Didn’t Know” and “House Shagathon”—a song accompanied by sexy food splatting.
Grace Chu: Orange is the New Black of course! Because if it’s the darling of Netflix, what’s stopping it from taking over Broadway? Opening number: “Welcome to Litchfield.” A snippet:
Where there’s a layer of mold in the showers,
And a screwdriver can amuse you for hours and hours,
Because we’re locked up and there’s nothing to do,
But “lesbianing” will get you thrown in the SHU!
(Don’t get thrown in the SHU! No, don’t get thrown in the SHU!)
Other musical numbers: “Special Sandwich,” “Take Your Cornbread and Shove It,” “Everything Has a Price (No Cocoa Butter for You, Honey),” “Chocolate and Vanilla Swirl,” “I Threw My Pie for You,” “Catch The Chicken or Die Tryin’,” “Vote for Me (Because Everyone Loves Fried Chicken),” “Who Took the Screwdriver/Sweet Lovin’,” “Lesbian Activity,” “In the SHU (Mold on My Bologna),” “Sexin’ in the Chapel,” “Let Jesus Shine His Light on your Soul (or I Will Cut You), and “Welcome to Litchfield Reprise.”
Trish Bendix: All Over Me would be the perfect musical if some of the songs from the soundtrack could be licensed for the stage. Claude would, of course, sing Sleater-Kinney‘s “I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone” and whoever took Leisha Hailey‘s pink-haired part would do The Murmurs‘ “Squeezebox Days.” There would be some originals, too, like “Best Friends Only Break Your Heart” and “Mark Sucks (I Hate Your Boyfriend).”
“Just think of it, Claude. It could be you and me/That straight girl will not set you free/I’m a lesbian with pink hair, I’m just so hip/Let’s start a band, and a relationship.”
What lesbian musical would you buy a ticket to?