Lindsay Lohan is the hottest woman in all the world. Dear God, I cannot believe I just typed that. It took everything I had not to break my own fingers to keep myself from having to type that. Even now, I’m thinking of hitting one of my hands with a hammer as punishment for having typed that.
But enough with this self-directed anger; instead, I’m going to march over to the Maxim headquarters with my hammer and break the hands of the geniuses there who made me type that by naming Lindsay No. 1 on the magazine’s annual ode to objectification known as the Hot 100 List (I’ll do this metaphorically since violence is bad; an eye for an eye leaves the whole world in an eye patch shortage).
Seriously, I have to stop reading these lists. They make my blood pressure spike and brain ache. After making it through yet another ridiculous ranking of female attractiveness courtesy the prurient minds of men in a state of continued arrested development, I actually feel dumber. Or should I say more dumberer? See what I mean?
The Top 10, just to rile you up:
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Jessica Alba
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Christina Aguilera
5. Jessica Biel
6. Ali Larter
7. Eva Mendes
9. Eva Longoria
Of the 100, there were a few pleasant surprises: Sarah Silverman at No. 29, Missy Peregrym at No. 54 and Lena Headey at No. 64. But overall it was another outrage fest. Salma Hayek is No. 90 while Fergie is No. 10?!?! Halle Berry is No. 55 while Avril Lavigne is No. 15?!?!! No Kate Winslet, America Ferrera or Tina Fey, but yes Shanna Moakler, Kim Kardashian and Tara Conner?!?!!!
Listen, I’m no prude. I love a beautiful woman as much as the next girl (well, probably a lot more than the next girl, since according to conventional wisdom 90 percent of them just want to be friends and not special friends and/or “roommates”). But I also believe that a woman’s attractiveness isn’t a competitive sport. We are so vast and so different and so strange and so wonderful in such vast, different, strange and wonderful ways that to make a list of the top 100 is as ridiculous as calling Lindsay Lohan the hottest woman in all the world.