I think I remember the first time I really, really wanted to look like somebody on TV. It was the late 1980s; the show was Saved by the Bell; the actress was Tiffani-Amber Thiessen; and the relevant monstrosity was this:

Now, you might be saying, that isn’t really so bad. I mean yes, the top is mauve, the jeans are floral, the hair is big and static ... but that Tiffani-Amber Thiessen is a pretty girl, right? No wonder at eight years old you wanted to look like her.

Well — yes. I mean, I’m sure the fact that Tiffani-Amber Thiessen is pretty had an impact on it — but I’m afraid I can’t excuse myself so easily. It wasn’t just that when I watched Saved by the Bell, I wanted to have Kelly Kapowski’s hair, or Kelly Kapowski’s smile. No, I wanted to have Kelly Kapowski’s look, her whole gloriously '80s pastel-and-neon wardrobe — complete with a pale orange T-shirt with rolled up sleeves that I remember particularly coveting. And — since it was the '80s — I think I more or less got it.

Fast-forward five years, to the premiere of a show called My So-Called Life in 1994. Jordan wore plaid flannel. Danielle wore plaid flannel. Rayanne had a plaid flannel shirt that reached the ground. And Angela ... well, Angela had red plaid flannel shorts that she wore with black tights. To quote a poster on TelevisionWithoutPity.com, “I can’t believe how normal I used to think these outfits were [...] Today, it looks to me like she’s wearing cutoff pajama pants over leggings.”

Did I run from this sea of flannel? Did I say “no plaid for me?” No. I had a pair of plaid green shorts that I hoped would make me look like Angela (they didn’t).

Plaid got a different, less grungy and more preppie twist the next year, when Clueless hit the movie theaters: … continue reading

Over the weekend, not one, but two celebrities welcomed wee packages of joy into their lives. No, not that kind of wee package of joy, Lindsay Lohan. Geez, I thought you got that straightened out. Still, as word got out that Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera had given birth, I braced for the inevitable. The inevitable being whatever wacky, weird thing they decided to name their kids. Like, say, Tundra or Unicorn or Suri.

Luckily, both Richie and Aguilera decided to go relatively restrained, with Harlow Winter Kate Madden (for Nicole’s little girl) and Max Liron Bratman (for Christina’s little boy).

But other celebrities have been considerably less, shall we say, discreet when naming their offspring. Pilot Inspektor? Fifi Trixibelle? Sage Moonblood? Moxie Crimefighter? (The bad parents being, respectively, Jason Lee, Bob Geldof, Sylvester Stallone and Penn Jillette.) Dudes, do you not love your children? … continue reading

The results are in. Thanks to E-Poll Market Research, we now know which celebrities the American public finds the most “appealing, confident, glamorous, interesting and over-exposed, among other qualities.” (This was voted on by approximately 1,100 people ages 13 and up, so rest assured it's based on a completely accurate demographical slice of the American pie.)

Here's who topped the list of Most Popular Celebrities:

I have to admit, I was a little surprised by this. I know Reese Witherspoon won an Oscar for Walk the Line and all, but she knocked out a couple of tabloid heavyweights at numbers two and three:

I guess Witherspoon has been giving Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie a run in the competition for Most Likely to Show Up on a Tabloid Cover, what with the divorce from Ryan Phillippe and the reported fling with Jake Gyllenhaal. Looking at who rounds out the top of the list, I suspect tabloid presence was the primary qualification. … continue reading

I have to admit, my first thought on seeing this picture of Katie Holmes was, "At last, she can find her Helen."

But no, Katie has not become a bad girl — yet. She does, however, play a girl gone wrong in the movie Mad Money, in which she stars with Queen Latifah and Diane Keaton.

Mad Money is the story of three janitors at the Federal Reserve who plot to steal money that is scheduled for destruction. Arthur Frobisher Ted Danson also stars. The movie is based on the British film Hot Money, which was based on a true story. … continue reading

1. When I first heard that Katie Holmes was flirting with someone on the set of Mad Money, my mind went right to Diane Keaton. Adam who?

Oh, whoops. That photo makes them look waaaaaay too May-December. Never mind. Anyway, don't taint Mad Money for me, Katie: I've been looking forward to seeing Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah on the screen together. Hotness!

2. Sandra Bullock has filed for a restraining order against the woman who was arrested for attempting to run over Bullock's husband. I swear I thought the car was in neutral, Sandra! And when will you see that we're meant to be together?! You can't fight destiny!

… continue reading

3. Neve Campbell is getting married.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is reportedly in "final talks" to replace Katie Holmes in the next Batman movie. That loud whooshing noise you just heard? The collective sigh of relief heaved by fans everywhere. The last Batman film, Batman Begins, had such fabulous potential. Directed by Christopher Nolan (Memento)? Check! Starring pretty, brooding actor Christian Bale (Velvet Goldmine) as the melancholic Caped Crusader? Check! Featuring the blank slate-ish Katie Holmes as Batman's feisty love interest? Um.....

Pre-Cruise-ology, I had no opinion one way or the other about Ms. Holmes (I was never a big Dawson's Creek fan, but when I did check it out, it was for the dishy Michelle Williams) so it's not as if I were rooting against her when Batman Begins was released. It's just that she seemed woefully miscast as the tough, bleeding heart attorney who goes head to head with her childhood love, Bruce Wayne. For me, she had no depth, no pathos. And a girl needs ample reserves of pathos if she's going to be the Bat Babe, right?

That's why I'm so excited to learn that Maggie Gyllenhaal may be stepping into the role originally played by Holmes. The always amazing Gyllenhaals's recent turn in SherryBaby is getting rave reviews, but I'll always think of her as the complicated little masochist from Secretary.