Have you ever walked out of a movie and thought, “Damn, I can sum that whole thing up in three lines or less”? Well, so did those clever bookish types at McSwenney’s. They recently summed up famous films in three lines of dialogue or less. The results for classics like Citizen Kane, The Philadelphia Story and The Godfather was inspired. That, of course, got me thinking about all the terrible great lesbian films out there.

So, without further ado, here is a sampling of lesbian movies in three lines or less:

Lost and Delirious

Paulie: But I love you.
Tori: But I can’t be gay.
Paulie: Why do I suddenly feel like singing “I Believe I Can Fly?”

But I’m a Cheerleader
… continue reading

Megan: 2-4-6-8! Being straight is really great!
Graham: Gimme a G! Gimme an A! Gimme a Y! What’s that spell? Gay! Gay! Gay!
Megan: I like your cheer better. Let’s make out.

Since Caroline is still on the west coast this week, the Retro Reviewers enlisted help from a new note-taker to review D.E.B.S – Gambit, from local band the smoke animals.

D.E.B.S is a 2005 action/spy spoof complete with hot stars, funky gadgets, and a delightful lesbian romance that won over most of the group.

The inclusion of Jordana Brewster as the sexy villain Lucy Diamond certainly didn’t hurt!

For the next episode, the reviewers will take on If These Walls Could Talk 2.

I'm a visual person. I think in images. I can't really help it. It just happens. I'll be sitting at my desk or driving around town and something I hear will cause an image to pop into my head. Usually, such images spring to life when I hear a song from a movie soundtrack. For example, Simple Minds' "Don't You Forget About Me" causes Ally Sheedy and the Breakfast Club gang to appear in my brain. Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" causes visions of John Cusack's boom-box serenade for Ione Skye in Say Anything to dance through my memory. I try hard to avoid Celine Dion, but at least when I hear "My Heart Will Go On," Kate Winslet appears to make it all better.

The other day, while driving aimlessly about town, I was listening to one of my homemade CDs when Erasure's "A Little Respect" started playing. As always, visions of Jordana Brewster dancing with a pool cue overwhelmed my senses.

I really should keep that CD out of my car. Such images tend to make driving hazardous. In any event, it got me thinking about other tunes from lesbian-themed flicks that cause pleasant images to wander through my mind. I decided to see if I could create a playlist to keep my overactive imagination occupied for a while. Here are a few of the options I came up with. I'm hoping you can help me round out the list. I promise to keep these tunes out of the car for safe driving purposes. … continue reading

Now that Lord Voldemort has returned, I've been thinking about villains lately. In particular, sure, He Who Must Not Be Named is scary, but why is it that male villains are usually so unattractive? What is it about evilness that makes male villains turn into hairless, unicorn blood-drinking tyrants with no fashion sense? (See Darth Vader for another option: still hairless, but that helmet clearly makes him fashion-challenged.)

Female villains, on the other hand, tend to be uniformly hot (and sometimes uniformed). Maybe it's because the female villain partly emerges from the long (and, dare I say it, glorious) tradition of the dominatrix: She'll whip your ass, and she'll look fantastic while doing it. And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Without further ado, here are my top 10 female villains:

10. Jordana Brewster as Lucy Diamond in D.E.B.S.

Clad all in black and bent on world domination, Lucy Diamond doesn't let her previously foiled plots (including an attempt to sink Australia) get her down. In D.E.B.S., she sets her sights on D.E.B.S. agent Amy (Sara Foster), and she quickly succeeds in seducing her.

Here's a (mysteriously silent) video of Lucy smooching Amy: … continue reading