Attention all AfterEllen.com readers: the jig is up! Our secret "national underground network" of violent lesbian gangs aimed at criminal activity and recruiting girls into the homosexual lifestyle has been exposed, and we must now move to Plan B (colonizing Mars).

Yes, that's what Fox's The O'Reilly Factor actually suggested last week (except for the Mars part, although I'm sure someone will suggest shipping us all there any day now) in a segment they aired about the growing problem of lesbian gangs terrorizing heterosexuals by stabbing and beating them, and brandishing pink guns (as if any self-respecting lesbian would carry a pink gun).

The claims were made by host Bill O'Reilly and "Fox crime analyst" Rod Wheeler (picture above, right), a former homicide detective who is clearly either mentally unbalanced, confused, willing to say anything to get on camera, or thinks every woman who isn't interested in him is a lesbian (or D, all of the above).

I could analyze how ridiculous and unsubstantiated Wheeler's claims are, point out their similarity to the outrageous stories the Nazis made up about the Jews back in the day, or question how such clearly inflammatory and inaccurate assertions based on distorted information got past even Bill O'Reilly's fact-checkers, but other bloggers have already done so quite handily (see here, here, here, and here, plus check out this gay male take, and this well-researched rebuttal).

Instead, I'll just make fun of it. Because what else can you do in the face of such insanity? (Well, besides telling Fox what you think about these outlandish claims, boycotting companies that advertise on The O'Reilly Factor, and reading more about O'Reilly's record of distortion, all of which I plan to do shortly).

Here are a few of the choicer statements made in the segment:

O'REILLY: In Tennessee, authorities say a lesbian gang called GTO, Gays Taking Over, are involved in raping young girls. And in Philadelphia, a lesbian gang called DTO, Dykes Taking Over, are allegedly terrorizing people, as well.

Yes, and here in my New York apartment, we have regular meetings of LSOC (Lesbians Sitting on the Couch), where we brandish hard plastic remotes menacingly at our television set while cruelly biting down on popcorn kernels. Quick, catch us before we strike again! … continue reading

Last night, my TV broke my heart. And then it reached in and put a string of lights around it. First, Melinda Doolittle was kicked off American Idol. I know, I know, you all told me that would happen, but I was foolishly holding out hope. After that travesty, I was dejected and glum and ready to be old, bitter and over TV altogether. But then, like a disaffected superhero in a cape made of snark, Samantha Bee swooped into her seat at The Daily Show to talk about "News I'd Like to F---."

"I'm a NILF hunter. And the 24-hour news networks are my Serengeti."

Let's start with the genius of the NILF concept: Newscasters are expected to be attractive — especially the female ones (just ask Katie Couric). But how does that help you understand the news, exactly? Well, if you're Samantha Bee, the point is not to understand but to appreciate. See for yourself: … continue reading