After last week's judgment, the remaining queen wannabees return to their Palace of Bunk beds. Tanedra is exhausted by the mere sight of seeing Michelle walk through the door. How did Marissa get the axe instead of Michelle? As Jessica trumpets Lina's triumph of being named "Leading Lady" for the week, and Lina unironically flips her hair around, Tanedra rubs her temples. She later tells us that Michelle's acting is just not "believable" — which is a very kind understatement on her part.

Michelle is still "uncertain about what exactly sucks" about her performance, and just in case we share her confusion, the editors at Scream Queens roll some footage of one of her scenes to refresh our memory. They include a shot of her cast mates laughing hysterically at her unintentionally comedic scene.

Michelle protests, "I have a year of training. It's not like I'm just some good-looking girl they picked up on the side of the road." Wow. All of that experience AND humility? Amazing. She should be teaching some Master classes.

Angela laments the fact that she hasn't even been in the judgment room (for praise or humiliation) and has gotten zero feedback. No news is good news, Angela.

The next day, Shawnee gathers the contestants for their next challenge. She tells them that they need to learn about my favorite kind of scary movies, the ones in which horror and humor go hand-in-hand.

Shawnee shows them a scene from the classic campy horror film, The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962) and Inside the Actor's Studio shoe-in Michelle gripes, " The actress is basically just a head. It was a horribly written — first of all, black and white, I mean hello! Have you heard of color?" … continue reading

The drama continues this week on Scream Queens, when Lindsay returns to the holding pen to tell the girls that she was crowned “Leading Lady” for the week. Per the norm, no one is particularly happy for her.

Lina admits that director Gunn told her that she needs an “attitude adjustment” and to “stop being a diva.” No one offers up the typically-obligatory, “Oh my God, that’s so not true!”

The girls also learn that “poor Mariss” was told by the judges that she comes across as fake, and she cries about how they must have it out for her and that she can’t possibly change their minds. The girls reassure her that she can appear to be less fake if she really tries. Of course, if all else fails, Marissa can just fake it.

Later, Shawnee meets the contenders at the studio location where she shot the infamous “jaw trap” scene in the original Saw film.

I’m so glad they didn’t have these contraptions when I was growing up. I talked a lot and my mother was into corporal punishment.

The girls learn that they are going to learn how to do their own high dive stunts, or, as Shawnee calls it, “the proper and safe way to fall on your ass.” Lina has a fear of heights, but Jessica is excited because, as she tells us, she’s a "thrill-seeker and a risk-taker,” which doesn’t do much for her reputation as a nutbag with her fellow contestants.

Shawnee reminds them that even though they’ll be jumping out of a window, this is an acting challenge. They will be chased by a homicidal maniac, and each has to choose whether or not to jump or die at his hands. Of course, they’re required to “choose” to jump (Shawnee’s definition of “choice” is apparently much like that of the Republican party), and Shawnee wants to see “the moment of choice” in their eyes.

Sarah prepares to jump, and later tells us that she didn’t give a thought to the “immunity” reward she could win. She just kept in mind “that someone’s gonna come f-----g kill me!”

Due to the past criticism of the judges, Marissa wants to be as honest in her performance as she possibly can. No faking it with this jump. But she sucks, as does Angela, who follows her. Shawnee tells them “Don’t forget to act!” (Isn’t that the actor’s version of forgetting to breathe?) Pageant queen Michelle follows them, but forgets not to overact. Yes, she sucks too.

Lina uses her actual fear to her advantage, works up some genuine tears, and jumps. Success! Shawnee tells her it’s her “sexiest performance yet.” … continue reading

Fuse TV's new series Redemption Song pushes schadenfreude to the absolute limit. It's a reality singing competition between 11 "beautiful, talented and troubled women." Emphasis on troubled.

The show's tagline is: "Society has judged them, now it's our turn."

If I hadn't been watching to find the lesbian, I would have tuned out two minutes in. It's the most exploitive thing I have ever seen.

This is the kind of sensitivity you can expect if you're going to get invested in the show. Nyia, the lesbian contestant, spoke about her coming out like this: "My son's father beat me like crazy when I told him."

That confession is just one of the many gems sprinkled throughout the show by contestants.

For example: "My life is just a big smorgasbord of craziness. I just want to do my own thing, and dance to my own drum — and pee in everyone's food, duh."

Or: "My voice is the only thing that can't keep up with my lifestyle." … continue reading

Last week, I told you about the faux lesbian kissing we can expect to see on the VH1 reality series, Scream Queens. In order to bring you that piece of hard-hitting journalism, I had to actually watch the show. I was pleasantly surprised by its hilarity (unintentional as some of it may be), the charisma of host and vet scream queen of Saw franchise fame, Shawnee Smith, and the unrepentant bitchiness of the contestants.

It's like Top Model, with an axe in its forehead. So if you like Top Model (I love it) and/or you like horror movies (I usually don't), you should give Scream Queens a whirl. In the meantime, I'll keep you updated here on the blog.

Episode two opens with a lengthy discussion between all the remaining contestants about how the wrong girl (Jo-Anne) got "The Axe" last week. The best part is that the bitch-fest takes place right in front of the girl who they think should have been eliminated, Kylah. Sarah weeps openly, Lindsay gives an impromptu eulogy ("this house will mourn the loss of Jo-Anne"), while Black Dahlia look-alike Angela simply raises a glass of wine and slurs, "Well, I'm just gonna drink." You can't make this stuff up!

Later, Kylah tells us that they've divided the house. "There's the queen bitches (Michelle, me, Angela and Lina) and the more homely girls, like Marssia, Lindsay and Sarah. Basically, they're the girls who would not have been popular in high school."

She has no category for Jessica, who everyone agrees is just old school crazy. Michelle rips apart challenge winner Sarah ("she has an annoying voice, she's ugly as s--t, she needs to straighten her hair"), then offers a theory about why she won. "I think the judges are just trying to make a point, that beauty doesn't have to get you everywhere, when really — please. Please!" … continue reading

This week, VH1 — the network that brought us America’s Most Smartest Model — debuted its new reality series, Scream Queens, in which 10 actresses compete for a "breakout" role in Saw VI.

According to the press release, "The contestants will compete in a series of exacting challenges designed to prove they have the smarts, talent and strength to succeed. From working with bugs, gore and stunts to acting across from A-list talent, the girls will be put through an intense horror-acting boot camp."

The judges are "Hollywood's toughest acting coach" John Homa, Saw franchise vet actress Shawnee Smith, and horror writer/director/producer James Gunn (Dawn of the Dead, Slither):

Here's a preview of the show:

… continue reading

I can't be the only one who responded "Huh?" to news that Jodie Sweetin (aka Stephanie Tanner), is shooting a reality show with her husband, Cody Herpin, about their home life and the raising of their child. The fact that she was once on Full House must seal the deal — this one has "fascinating" flashing all over it.

I'm not trying to diss Stephanie Sweetin, though, as she pulled through her public meth addiction and went on to have a creatively named child (Zoie Laurel May Herpin). If she wants to be on TV under reality circumstances and can get a network to buy the thing, more power to her, I guess. I suppose her fans and the rubbernecking crowd might constitute a large enough viewership to limp through a season.

I do, however, mildly object to Sweetin's comparison of her project to Tori Spelling's Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, noting that her own show will be "more rock 'n' roll." Hey — who held the last fire on Earth while wearing frightening, flammable-looking shiny clothing in that Powerman 5000 video? Not the middle Tanner child! If we compare the child stars, we will come to the conclusion that, comparatively speaking, Tori is way more rock. How rude! … continue reading

Are you a struggling actor? Can't even get a gig as a dead body in an episode of Law & Order? Can't even get a callback to be an extra in a Valtrex commercial? If you need a Plan B, you may want to look into appearing on a quality show like Who Wants To Be a Superhero, The White Rapper Show, Flavor of Love. It might be time to enroll in the prestigious New York Reality TV School, where you will be taught how to accentuate your most annoying personality traits so that you can snag a coveted spot on reality television with other attention-seeking reprobates future pop-culture icons.

Will you be the next Puck? The next Trishelle? The next girl whose name no one remembers but whose line, "Hey, girl, hey!" was so memorable that it has its own entry on UrbanDictionary.com?

Your headmaster will be Robert Galinsky, whose claim to fame is starring as a "Fanatic Hasidic Jew" in a film called Brooklyn Babylon. According to Slate, when class is in session, you will be handed the "Eight Commandments of Reality TV School," which includes the following commandment: "Thou Shall Groom Hairy PITTS," which stands for "personal issues to tease." The commandment reads as follows:

As a reality star I will always groom my PITTS and allow them to be accessible. They are relationship, family, work related.

I think this is code for "Expose as much of my dirty laundry as I possibly can within my allotted air time. It is OK if I embarrass and humiliate my family, loved ones and co-workers. Because the temporary thrill of being the center of attention is worth it. I'm worth it. I'm so worth it. Look at me. Please? Love me?"

But wait — where else have we seen use of commandments in the context of reality television?

… continue reading

Master Galinsky may be ambitious, but he certainly isn't original.

Springtime sweeps have come and gone, but don’t turn off your TV just yet. While you can expect more than your fair share of reruns, there are lots of new shows hitting the small screen this summer — and some of them are even scripted!

Throw in returning favorites like The Closer, Weeds and My Boys, and it’s shaping up to be a halfway decent TV line-up for women (well, if you don’t count all the reality-show rejects leftover from the fall writers strike). Check out our guide to the good, the bad, and the WTF of summer programming.

SCRIPTED SHOWS

(All show times based on EST)

In Plain Sight

(June 1 at 10 PM on USA)

The Premise:

Mary McCormack packs some major heat (oh, and she carries a gun, too) as a U.S. Marshall who relocates people into the federal witness protection program. She’s a pro at helping witnesses start new lives — the problem is she can’t seem to get her own under control.

The Prediction:

DVR-worthy! USA has a good track record (Monk, Psych, Burn Notice) for creating this type of cool yet quirky detective series. Now if they’d only bring back the 4400.

Swingtown

(June 5 at 10 PM on CBS)

The Premise:

In the midst of a gas crisis, unrest in the Middle East and the social and political upheaval of 2008 1976, a family moves into an upscale Chicago suburb, looking for a little more peace and quiet. They find just the opposite, thanks to their swingin’ neighbors.

The Prediction:

Wow, CBS is airing a show about swingers? Didn’t see that one coming. While it seems better suited for HBO or Showtime, I’m definitely intrigued by the concept — and by Molly Parker (Deadwood), who plays the wife.

Fear Itself

(June 5 at 10 PM on NBC)

The Premise:

Each week, a different “Master of Horror” brings his or her (most likely his) thrilling tale of blood and guts to a TV near you. Stars set to appear in an episode include Cynthia Watros (Lost), Shiri Appleby (Roswell), and Elisabeth Moss (The West Wing).

The Prediction:

I liked this show the first time I saw it … when it was called Tales from the Crypt. I’ll probably stick with Swingtown in the 10 p.m. slot. … continue reading