It's the beginning of The End. The end of Season 5 of The L Word, that is. And in this second-to-last episode, a lot of groundwork is laid to get us prepped for what is sure to be the shocking conclusion of the fifth season next week on Showtime.

Luckily, groundwork isn't the only thing getting laid in this episode. Bette and Jodi are splitsville, but that doesn't stop them from getting physical, and Jenny and Niki's breathtaking tryst from last week is relived in high-def when their pilfered home video resurfaces once again.

Those are just a few of the topics we discuss this week on WGN, along with pressing issues such as gun safety, pay rates for actors with speaking roles on television shows, and whether or not telling a woman "I really hope you bleed soon" is (1) honest; (2) grounds for divorce; or (3) simply an invitation for a satisfying slap of the face.

I'm very pleased to report that Dara is back and in full comedy sniper effect this week on WGN. While we love our guestbians, it's just not the same without her around. She thought she could skip out on birthday festivities by ditching us for a couple of weeks, but we celebrated her return and the anniversary of her birth in grand style. (i.e. we bought her some grocery store pastries).

This week, episode 10 of The L Word qualified as A Very Special Episode for several reasons: 1.) Memories of the dearly departed Dana were evoked when the girls rode for her in the Pink Ride 2.) Alice and Tasha decided to shack up 3.) Bette and Tina got themselves busted for their illicit affair (with a nice assist from Alice) 4.) Molly took a sexual plunge with Shane and 5.) Jenny and Niki got kinky with some sex toys and made a steamy "home movie."

The only down side is that afterwards I had this little jingle rolling through my head afterwards: "Strap-on, strap-off. Strap-on, strap-off, the strapper!" Is it weird that watching Jenny and Niki's sex antics this week made me think of the theme song for the indispensable sound activated electrical gadget known as The Clapper? Yeah, I guess it is.

Anyway, while our comedy sharp-shooter Dara is still MIA, we are joined on the enchanted sofa this week by Emmy award-winning writer Liz Feldman (Ellen: The Ellen DeGeneres Show). Liz was a good sport who was all too willing to participate in an endless "athletic" montage and an ill-advised round of the party game "I Never" like the ones we saw on Episode 10 of The L Word. Unlike in The L Word, however, our episode of WGN didn't end in tears or a sex scandal in the making. (At least I hope it didn't!)

No, you don't need to adjust your monitors. Dara did not show up for We're Getting Nowhere sporting a new perm and some specs this week. In fact, she had to take care of some business and our pal Maile Flanagan was kind enough to fill in for her. You probably know Maile from her role as Geri in the hit web series 3Way, though you may not have recognized her without her outrageously large member. And by "member" I mean Geri's prosthetic finger. What did you think I meant?

This week on WGN we discussed what we call the "sex montage" episode of The L Word. Yes, everyone got lucky this time around. Shane and Molly finally got some relief for that sexual tension, Tina and Bette found love in an elevator, and Max may have even found Mr. Right.

We also talked about ass tattoos, trans sex and leather products. Just keeping it clean as usual.

Finally, we had more fun with sock puppets this week when recreating the big lesbian "family" sit down orchestrated by Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi. Please ignore the fact that sock puppets can't actually "sit," as that is really just a tedious technicality.

We had some unfortunate technical difficulties to contend with this week on We're Getting Nowhere. They included the mysterious disappearance of the first ten minutes of our vlog, and the unexpected relocation of the cold Jill had last week to my body this week. In a word, both sucked.

But despite those setbacks, we pressed forward and managed to cobble together a rambling recap of the eighth episode of The L Word. Topics of discussion include Kelly McGillis in drag as The Grim Reaper, Mia Kirshner's improvisational skills, Bette's weird hair, and how Alice and Tasha star in their own Mentos^TM commercial.

Finally, Brunch With Bridget host Bridget McManus dropped by the WGN studios on her lunch break to pick up her cousin Jessica, who was crewing for us this week (thanks, Jess!). She popped her head in long enough to take off her bra on camera and get roped into one of our reenactments. If she actually watched The L Word, I don't think she ever would have agreed to play Adele (she's much more of an Alice, don't you think?).

Dawn Denbo's trademark phrase "It's on!" took on a whole new meaning this week, as it signaled the arrival of the Greatest Sport of All Time on The L Word. Yes, that's right. We're talking about Turkish oil wrestling. We don't pretend to know much about the sport, its origins (Turkey?), or its cultural significance. We just know that it involves scantily clad women thrashing about, sometimes even making out, in a vat of baby oil.

Episode 5.7 was wondrous indeed, as it also featured more TiBette fireworks, Jenny/Niki sex scenes, Alice on national television (inevitable, right?) and Kelly McGillis playing a homophobic version of her Charlie character from Top Gun (if Charlie had gone to law school and joined up).

But the main event truly was the oil wrestling scene at SheBar. Dawn Denbo, her beautiful lover Cindi, Jenny, Niki, Shane — hell, even Molly — joined the fracas and before the night was over, two hotties were being hauled away to the pokey. Not even Dusty can help them now.

Of course we reenacted the oil wrestling match, but we kept our clothes on. One has to leave a little something to the imagination, right?

Were you as blown away by the Tina-Bette reunion this week as we were? And we love how it happened. It was the stir-fry that started a revolution! Something about seeing Bette playing June Cleaver sent Tina over the edge into the Danger Zone, and we're so glad that she joined us went there. It was a topic of much discussion.

So this week we're joined in the WGN Studios by actress Coley Sohn, who you may remember as Lil Mitzvah, one half of the Jewish rap duo Sappho Sisters. (Our guest last week, Meredith Scott Lynn, aka MC Jew C, is the other half of the duo. Together, they complete me.) Coley was all too willing to don a sock puppet as well as get all nebbish on us as Adele in our reenactment. We really question her judgment. Just FYI, Coley has a new web series called "Inappropriate Workplace" on ICN.tv. Do check it out!

Along with Coley, this week we discuss Bette and Jodi as lesbian "role models," the continuing reign of Dawn Denbo (and her lover, Cindi) and why Coley need not be afraid of Jill's pouncing cats.

We hope you enjoy our reenactments of Adele's Pretty Woman–esque transformation into Mini-Jenny. But be forewarned; we did not reenact the Tina-Bette reunion. That would just be gross. (And we all have morality clauses in our contracts anyway.)

Can you say "party"? That's what this week's episode of The L Word was all about for us. Yes, we know that Alice became a celezbrity when she appeared on CrossFireBall to defend her outing of that homophobic basketball player. And we know that Max turned up some surprising information about Adele's sketchy past. We also know that Shane and Cindi enjoyed some afternoon delight that would come back to haunt them both.

But for us, it was all just filler that led up to a wonderfully out-of-control party at Jenny and Shane's house. The fact that the party was crashed by our new favorite L Word character, Dawn Denbo (and her lover, Cindi) only made it better. After all, it's not a party until someone spills her drink or threatens to "take down" you and all your (smug little) friends.

Actress Meredith Scott Lynn joins us on the couch this week. You may know her as the sassy lawyer defending That Scum Bag on any given episode of CSI, or the lesbian from Legally Blonde, but we like to think of her as The Accomplished Thespian Who Played Sock Puppets With Us On Our Show.

Along with Meredith, this week we discuss the merits of "hot puppet love," the prospect of an L Word "doppelgang-bang" with Jenny's Lez Girls cast and the real-life women they will be portraying, and why Jennifer Beals is the hottest woman on the planet television. We also have fun with a couple of reenactments that feature bad dancing, extreme close-ups, and what might happen if Jenny ever got what she deserved. Watch if you dare.

This week we took advantage of Sarah and Lori's visit to Los Angeles and tricked Sarah into joining us on the vlog. We promised (with our fingers crossed) to behave ourselves for her guest appearance, but much to our surprise, Sarah gave us the WGN treatment! With all of her sarcastic zinger-flinging, teasing, and orchestrating of ridiculous prop usage, it's a wonder we even had time to recap the show!

When we weren't dodging Sarah's snark-arrows, we discussed our MIA L Word guest vlogger, why we love the name Dawn Denbo, extending WGN invitations to both Jennifer Garner and J-Lo, the ethics of "DL" parties and why we think hiring Niki Stevens to be in Jenny's little movie was a Very Good Idea.

Along the way we threw in a couple of reenactments that involved a grueling interrogation and a self-indulgent wardrobe malfunction (of sorts). Also, Jill donned a neon pink wig and got a little frisky with a toy gun in an unexpected (and, frankly, unnecessary) homage to Sydney Bristow in Alias.

So sit back and enjoy as you watch Sarah get dragged down to our level on this week's episode of We're Getting Nowhere.

This week we're pleased to present a Very Special Episode of We're Getting Nowhere, featuring guestbian royalty Jane Lynch! Ms. Lynch was kind enough to stop by our studios to watch and chat about episode 5.3 of her show, The L Word.

It's a no-brainer that Jane Lynch (and we seemed to have trouble calling her anything but "Jane Lynch" even to her face) was a wonderful guest; insightful, witty and delightfully dirty-minded at times! Our discussion topics this week included breasts, ex-girlfriends, which male celebrity we'd most like to be, breasts, why we love Holland Taylor, lesbians "hooking up," and the "soft, tender underside" of Bette Porter.

Jane Lynch also does a terrific impersonation of herself as "(Mr.) Joyce Wischnia," recreating her lesbionic swagger with impeccable style.

So watch as the three of us kiss Jane Lynch's ass and bask in the glow of her comedic genius. We'd like to think that we gave it to her family style. (Oops! Thanks to your comments we now know what that term means. And we swear we didn't give it to her family style. Honest!)

This week the terrible three talk about how to hand-signal your way out of a bad lesbian pickup, why they'd "click up" with Kit/Pam Grier if they ever had the opportunity, and which celebrity mother/daughter duos they find do-able (it's not as gross as it sounds).

In between tangents, they also recap the latest episode of The L Word, complete with puppet prison sex and a reenactment of the ridiculous scene of the bridesmaids running after Shane at the end of the episode. You know they had to go there!

Yeah, it's true. We've been waiting for this. America's Next Top Model was fine, but we've had to make our own gay fun with that show (wigs, kielbasa sausages, need I say more?). But The L Word? Our work is half done for us!

Our first blog of the new year is also our first L Word vlog of the year. For the inaugural episode, we talk about everything from podcasts (heh) to how to choose a wingman.

We also discuss:

1.) Why Jane Lynch is a genius
2.) If there really is such a thing as Hot Prison
3.) All the ways in which Jenny has lost her damn mind

We talk about other stuff too, but you'll have to watch the vlog to find out what. Oh, all right, I'll give you a hint: bondage.

Welcome back to Nowhere!

Note: starting next week, episodes of WGN will be posted on Wednesdays.

A few months ago, Michelle Paradise asked you to submit your best and worst dating stories — and did you ever! There are over a hundred hilariously bad date stories, and Michelle gathered together four of your favorite women — Marnie Alton, Dara Nai, Karman Kregloe and Jill Bennett — to re-enact some of the best ones, with Lori and I "directing" (which in this case, meant zooming the camera in and out, refreshing their drinks, and trying to keep the cats out of the frame).

As you can guess from the photo, much chaos ensued. Some of my favorite moments? Marnie as a "hot RN," Dara as a cop who can't get her handcuffs off her belt buckle, Michelle moonwalking, Karman's puppet love, and Jill overdosing on pharmaceuticals while on a dinner date.

They also award a fantastic prize to one of you unsuspecting AftereEllen.com readers who submitted a story. I don't want to give away the surprise, but you impatient types who want to know what the prize is now can click here. (To find out if you won, you'll just have to watch the vlog!)

The final vlog was pretty long — almost an hour and a half — but since it was too funny to cut out much, I just split it into two videos. And I figure this will keep you busy while AfterEllen.com is on a break next week.

So grab a cup of coffee/can of soda/glass of wine applejuice, sit back, and prepare to be entertained! … continue reading