Having informed us that lesbian gangs are taking over America, Bill O'Reilly is back to warn us about a new phenomenon: Cute lesbian couples are taking over America's high schools! What's more, they're doing it just to "tweak" adults. Darn kids these days.

On the Nov. 7 edition of The O'Reilly Factor, He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Heard spoke to Dr. Laura Berman, director of the Berman Center and assistant clinical professor at Northwestern University. The topic of the day was Waukegan High School in Illinois — specifically, the "Cutest Couple" poll for the senior yearbook. In those hallowed halls, Brandy Johnson and Lupe Silva were voted the cutest couple of them all, and it's not hard to see why:

Yes: because they're cute! But to O'Reilly, it's not that simple: No, the Waukegan Bulldogs are trying to make an issue of something — trying to start a revolution via yearbook poll. After all, that's tactic No. 43 in the Homosexual Agenda Handbook. Next on the list: stocking the soda machines with virgin mimosas and herbal teas!

Dr. Berman (who, of course, considers the poll a sign of progress) held her own and then some, chuckling and smirking and all but rolling her eyes at O'Reilly's ridiculous statements. I myself was shrieking with outrage when he started going on about "appropriateness" and the difference between "who you are and what you do," but I should take a page from Dr. Berman's book and master the art of the derisive grin. See for yourself, and remember: Polls are subversive weapons of mass resocialization. Sorta like Fox News. … continue reading

Attention all AfterEllen.com readers: the jig is up! Our secret "national underground network" of violent lesbian gangs aimed at criminal activity and recruiting girls into the homosexual lifestyle has been exposed, and we must now move to Plan B (colonizing Mars).

Yes, that's what Fox's The O'Reilly Factor actually suggested last week (except for the Mars part, although I'm sure someone will suggest shipping us all there any day now) in a segment they aired about the growing problem of lesbian gangs terrorizing heterosexuals by stabbing and beating them, and brandishing pink guns (as if any self-respecting lesbian would carry a pink gun).

The claims were made by host Bill O'Reilly and "Fox crime analyst" Rod Wheeler (picture above, right), a former homicide detective who is clearly either mentally unbalanced, confused, willing to say anything to get on camera, or thinks every woman who isn't interested in him is a lesbian (or D, all of the above).

I could analyze how ridiculous and unsubstantiated Wheeler's claims are, point out their similarity to the outrageous stories the Nazis made up about the Jews back in the day, or question how such clearly inflammatory and inaccurate assertions based on distorted information got past even Bill O'Reilly's fact-checkers, but other bloggers have already done so quite handily (see here, here, here, and here, plus check out this gay male take, and this well-researched rebuttal).

Instead, I'll just make fun of it. Because what else can you do in the face of such insanity? (Well, besides telling Fox what you think about these outlandish claims, boycotting companies that advertise on The O'Reilly Factor, and reading more about O'Reilly's record of distortion, all of which I plan to do shortly).

Here are a few of the choicer statements made in the segment:

O'REILLY: In Tennessee, authorities say a lesbian gang called GTO, Gays Taking Over, are involved in raping young girls. And in Philadelphia, a lesbian gang called DTO, Dykes Taking Over, are allegedly terrorizing people, as well.

Yes, and here in my New York apartment, we have regular meetings of LSOC (Lesbians Sitting on the Couch), where we brandish hard plastic remotes menacingly at our television set while cruelly biting down on popcorn kernels. Quick, catch us before we strike again! … continue reading