Take Back the Knife: Women You Love in Movies You Don’t

 
 

Yvonne
Strahovski
, The Canyon (2009)

Ah, The Canyon. Or as I like to call it, Stupid Boring People Get Lost in the Grand Canyon Because Yes, They Are Stupid and As You May Have Inferred This Movie Is, in Fact, Boring So I Suggest Watching a National Geographic Special If You Want to Look at the Grand Canyon or Watching Chuck if You Want to Look at Yvonne Strahovski. Not a very catchy title, I know, but quite apt.<

Olivia Wilde,
Turistas (2006)

I’d long avoided Turistas because it seemed another in the wave of “Americans are afraid of places that are not America/stupid tourists/’torture porn’” horror movies that came on the heels of Hostel. The Olivia Wilde-ness of the film finally pushed me to check it out, though, and to my surprise, it’s not too bad!

It’s not as graphic and torture-laden as the ad want you to think, and the acting abilities of Wilde, Josh Duhamel, and Melissa George bump it a notch over some of its contemporaries. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere about judging movies on their own merits, but frankly I’d rather stick with judging them based on whether or not they feature Olivia Wilde.

Kristen
Stewart
, The Messengers (2007)

If you’re into J-horror (you know, The Ring, The Grudge, stuff like that) then you’ll probably enjoy this paranormal-flavored thriller, but don’t expect anything mind-blowingly scary or scarily mind-blowing. Stewart is likable in that glum, sulky way she has, and the movie is fine, which is really the problem. It’s not bad, it’s not great, it’s just sort of there.

For some reason, I want to compare The Messengers to a sweatshirt — serviceable and oddly comforting, but nothing to get attached to or wear to a special occasion. Okay, actually that’s a terrible metaphor. I’m just chilly.

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