Take Back the Knife: Women You Love in Movies You Don’t

, Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

There’s really no way around it: Halloween: Resurrection is a very, very bad movie. Beyond simply being a bad movie, however, Resurrection is a big, fat slap in the face to horror fans who have followed the saga of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode. Seriously, the first time I saw this film, I reacted with anger and indignation, not unlike the old woman in this commercial. I couldn’t even appreciate it on a campy level, which you think would be easy since Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes both appear to do battle with masked wackadoo Myers. But no, it’s that bad.And I vowed never to set eyes on it again.

Then a couple of years later, a show called Battlestar Galactica came along, and I found myself smitten and crying out things like, “This is the best show ever, next to Dallas and Melrose Place!” to no one in particular. And mind you, I didn’t have to clarify that I meant the original Melrose Place at the time. Well. I put two and two together – by which I mean I checked imdb.com — and I discovered that Katee Sackhoff, who forever won a place in my heart as BSG‘s Starbuck, was also a Myers victim in Halloween: Resurrection. I figured I’d check out the movie again, just to see her in her pre-outer space days, but then the PTSD trembles set in and I couldn’t do it. I told you; the movie is that bad.

Pink and Shannyn
, Catacombs (2007)

If there’s one thing I’ve always said about Pink and Shannyn Sossamon, it’s that they should play sisters in some crappy horror movie about some Antichrist type who totally ruins a rave in the catacombs underneath Paris by getting murdery all over everyone. Imagine my surprise, then, when Catacombs came along and it was exactly what I wanted!

All in all, Catacombs is a meandering, dull mess, but if you turn on your Imagination Power during the scenes of Pink and Sossamon zipping around Paris on a scooter, you can pretend you’re watching a different type of movie altogether: “Love at 35 MPH” or something like that.

Mila Kunis,
American Psycho 2 (2002)

Before she became Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis, she was Mila “Death Lips” Kunis in this atrocious follow-up to American Psycho. Wait, “Death Lips” is a bit misleading; it’s not as if she spends the movie doling out poison kisses or the like, although if she did, American Psycho 2 would be a better movie. As it is, however, be advised: Watching it may leave you feeling drained of all hope or that you’ve found a new “so bad it’s good” favorite. It’s a dangerous line to tread, friends!

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