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“Orange is the New Black” (4.1): Sardines

Greetings Oranginas, and welcome back to Orange is the New Black recaps! When we last left Litchfield, the inmates ran through a hole in the fence and went swimming in the nearby lake. Piper was tattooing herself in the chapel, and Alex was about to be murdered by Kubra’s hitman. Sophia was sent off to SHU, Caputo became warden, and the guards walked out.

Season 4 picks up right where we left off, with everyone frolicking on the lake. Lolly runs into the garden shed to grab Alex, where she finds her getting choked by the hitman. Lolly attacks the hitman and stomps the shit out of him, killing him in the process. After a brief panic, Alex checks the guy’s phone: it’s Kubra, who wants an update on the hit. Alex plays dead, and Lolly takes a photo, then texts it. Kubra follows up by requesting a topless shot, because he is the grossest. Sure enough, Lolly tells Alex to “take her floobies out” and pose.

Don’t waste your goldfish on sashimi; Tubbs will just eat them all!

Piper, feeling pretty gangsta with a g, thinks that the group of women running through the halls are afraid of her, but Chang bursts her bubble by telling her about the lake. Chang refuses to go swimming, as she assumes the lake is full of toxins and garbage. But even this news can’t dampen Chapman’s swagger. Ooh girl, smug is not a good look for you. #SmugLife

Caputo calls the Super Max for back-up and finds out about the prison break. He orders his crappy replacement guards to suit up in riot gear, and everyone is psyched until they realize that riot gear is cumbersome, and they keep fogging up their helmets. They are quickly shown up by the max guards, who are brutally efficient and not to be messed with.

The siren sounds and the women start heading back into camp. Everyone except for Suzanne and Maureen, who are cuddling in the forest and comparing each other’s softest parts. Suzanne is ready to return to the camp, but Maureen convinces her to run away in the forest.

Is this how lesbians have sex?

The inmates are herded into the cafeteria, where they come face to face with the horde of new inmates waiting to be processed. Everyone is wet, grouchy, and itchy from whatever was in that lake. The new head guard, Piscatella, shoves the ladies and tells Yoga Jones to shut up. Not Yoga Jones! Caputo is shocked and impressed by the efficiency of the new guards and follows their lead. Morello regales the inmates with stories of her wedding and the post-wedding sex, but everyone is still too wound up from the lake to pay her any attention. In a final insult, her toilet paper veil is taken by a guard and given to Daya, who is bleeding following her birth. Also, there is some talk of getting fucked with a shoe in Catholic school, which I honestly cannot.

Meanwhile, Judy King, the TV cooking star/Martha Stewart stand-in, waits to be processed. She sits with Luschek, who is happy to blow off work and chat her and her boyfriend up. Judy is charming and disarming, and we find out that her boyfriend drove her to the prison while her husband is still at home. Looks like someone is embracing the poly lifestyle!

Everyone is antsy and aggravated. Tovah (formerly Black Cindy) is looking to start a race war for entertainment, but Poussey defends Soso. Sossey is happening, y’all. Lolly calls Piper over to her and Alex, and Piper immediately senses that Alex is hiding something, but is more concerned with herself because of course.

Wait, so Emily has NO love interest in 6B, but all the other Liars are getting laid?! Fuck that.

Out in the woods, Suzanne and Maureen find an old cabin. Maureen wants Suzanne to weave another Time Hump-style fantasy about gingerbread houses and magic, but all Suzanne can taste is the lead paint of the decrepit cabin. It’s dark, it’s lonely, and Suzanne realizes that Maureen is even further removed from reality than she is. Basically, she’s realized her crush object is Crazier Eyes. Suzanne then leaves Maureen like I leave all my relationships: by running away while screaming “I don’t wanna do this anymore!”. Caputo finds her at the fence, begging to be let back into prison.

The new inmates are assigned bunks, and Red tells Piper to establish dominance. We meet Red’s Bunkie, chronic snorer White, and Piper’s new Bunkie, Stephanie Hapakuka (played by the always awesome Jolene Purdy). Piper’s intimidation plan immediately backfires, and she is forced to take the top bunk. Also, her infinity tattoo is infected and looks like an angry eight.

Judy King is finally processed and brought to bunk with Poussey, who is so star-struck she can’t even string a sentence together. Caputo, realizing that Judy is a celebrity, quickly pulls her out of the bunks and figures out a private room for her. Tovah meets her new Bunkie, a Muslim woman named Alison.

I’ve got a boyfriend and a husband, but there’s always room for one more!

Caputo brings in Maureen and reads over her file. Apparently there is some crazy shit in there, so he just sends her to bed. Alex gets up in the middle of the night and tries waking Lolly, who ignores her. She sneaks out into the garden shed where she finds the hitman still breathing. Panicking, Alex suffocates the hitman, killing him.

After a tense 24 hours, Caputo clocks out and runs into Healy in the parking lot. I don’t know why Healy is A)wearing that necklace and B) drinking a Jamba Juice, but it’s not a good look on him. He goes into his office to find Judy King asleep on an air mattress.

Lolly and Alex go to deal with the dead body, which Frida has already found. She schools them in simple murder math: it’s easier to dig six one foot holes than one six foot hole. They set about dismembering and hacking up the body with garden shears, while Papa Roach‘s “Cut My Life Into Pieces” plays. It’s on the nose, but I laughed. They bury the pieces of the body in the garden.

What we need is an extremely obvious music cue

Hit the track!

Everyone is clamoring for breakfast, and Red and the kitchen crew are falling asleep on the job. One of the new inmates sees Piper demanding toast from Red, and calls her “La Jefa.” Ugh, more ego boost for Chapman.

What did you think of the first episode? Tweet me your feels @ChelseaProcrast but if you spoil this season for me, I will bury you in the garden. Also, please keep the comments section spoiler-free and focused only on the events of this episode. Thanks!

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