Kimmie is pumped. Apparently that’s what happens when you read an entire library of self-hhelp books. She even went as far as to see psychic, she tells her diary, who told her she wouldn’t find love until 50—a premonition that Kimmie intends to prove very inaccurate.
The ladies, watching television, see a commercial staring Jane Spencer, a “feralations” expert who is offering a seminar for women with $75 dollars who want to learn how to be lionesses and meet men. Marika and Helen think it’s a ridiculous concept as Kimmie picks up the phone and makes an appointment for three.
Richard wakes up to Kendall getting ready for work on a Saturday. She reminds him that they decided to go into the office and he questions why she’s getting all dolled up when it will just be the two of them. “Don’t you want to be comfortable?” he asks. Disgusted, she explains that pretty people are always saved first in tragic accidents.
Jane Spencer (Molly Shannon) is known as a ferocious sexual predator according to to the seminar brochure. Helen thinks Jane is a fraud because said brochure also features a photo of her playing pool with Tiger Woods. Spencer makes an entrance in true Molly Shannon fashion and explains the love lioness premise is simple: In the jungle, lionesses do the hunting.
Step one: She questions, “Where do you find men?” To which the ladies reply the urologists office, butcher shop, baseball games, and prison. Jane tells them the correct answer is BARS! “Ladies,” she explains, “you’re not going to meet men sitting in your apartment doing cat puzzles.” Jane then asks who they’re going to talk to in bars to which Marika guesses, “Your mother on the phone.” When she asks who their perfect man is—the handsome ski bum, the sexy astronaut, or the thoughtful well-groomed gentleman—Helen Alice decides hers is the latter. This turns out to be a trick, or a jungle attack, and Helen is instructed to put five dollars in the gay jar because she picked the gay guy.
Step three: The pounce, is when Jane shows them how they should look, showing a picture of a dangerously skinny and impossible pretty model. Marika decides, “The only thing she should pounce on is a meatball sub.”
After the seminar, Marika explains to her friends, “This is the biggest waste of money since the time I tried to learn at home dentistry.” Kimmie responds by explaining that it’s a lot like religions: “There might have been some strangements but the basic messages are solid.” She then notices a hotel bar where she encourages the girls to join her in practicing what they just learned.
In slow motion we see the ladies confidently walking into the bar, ready to prowl. “Behold,” Kimmie says, “the crowded watering hole.” “Yep, this room is clearly at legal capacity,” worries Helen. Kimmie notices a rather slovenly man in the corner and suggests him. “Of course,” Marika agrees, “single out the weakest member of the pack, attack and kill. Survival of the fittest.” Kimmie then explains, “No, not him—HIM,” as she motions to a gentleman sitting directly next to the weak member, a man with slick backed hair and a leather jacket. “Cover me ladies, I’m going in,” says Kimmie as she makes her way over to the bar and asks the leather-clad gentleman to buy her a drink. He shoots her down and gets up to walk away, putting her face to face with the weakest of the pack. She turns to get up and walk away and meets a man played by Will Sasso, who offers to buy her said drink. She agrees and orders her favorite French cocktail—a glass of white wine with a tiny umbrella in it. She shoots a thumbs up to her friends across the room.
Richard makes his way into Kendall’s office and she tells him she has a surprise for him. “Have you bought me a monkey?” he guesses. She says no and leads him out of the office to show him she’s prepared a romantic dinner on the roof. “Did you know they have stores where you can buy linens?” Kendall says. “I thought they were just delivered by maids.” She goes on to explain that the dinner set up isn’t even the surprise, and when he turns around she is wearing sexy lingerie. They start making out as the roof door shuts behind them. Seems they’re now trapped and Kendall is no longer in the mood.
Kimmie is attempting to sexily drink her “cocktail” while her new man friend, Parker, watches. She tells him her name, but explains that her friends call her Kimmie Kat. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like a movie star?” she asks. “No,” he says, “but I like watching them.” He goes on to tell her that he’ll miss movies the most, and that he is moving to Zimbabwe in the morning as part of nurses without boundaries program.“Is it good for nurses not to have boundaries?” she jokes. They have a good laugh together.
Kendall and Richard are trying to concoct an escape route. She finds the air-conditioning duct and decides she is going to make the trek because she is cold irritated and has no lip gloss. They fall in.
Parker gets closer to Kimmie who asks, “Does this umbrella make my boobs look big?” He laughs and tells her how funny she is. “Lawyers are known for their sense of humor, and stress-related IBS,” Kimmie explains. Parker then slides his room key across the bar and invites her up to his hotel room. She says she wants to and will be right up after she fixes her mane. She purrs as he walks away and Marika and Helen make their way over to ask how things are going and why he left.
“Jane Spencer’s advice is working,” Kimmie exclaims. They ask what she’s going to do. She explains that she is a grown ass woman, and that grown ass women go up to hotel rooms and do stuff. Helen inquires further asking, “What stuff? You don’t know how to do stuff.” Kimmie, aghast, explains that she does know how to do stuff and that she’s done stuff before. Marika then chimes in asking, “What stuff?” SEXY STUFF,” Kimmie replies, “with all my exes.” She then starts mumbling a list.
Kendall and Richard fall the through the office ceiling to a confused maintenance man. They run away, covered in very little aside from some ceiling parts.
Parker and Kimmie stand awkwardly in his hotel room. He puts on some sexy tunes and starts dancing around, even more awkwardly then if Kimmie was doing it herself. They giggle as he attempts a strip tease and Kimmie follows suit taking off a bracelet to match his taking off his pants. When he gets closer to her, she panics and makes her way to the bathroom. She gives herself a pep talk/dance. When he calls in to see if she’s all right, she explains that she’s just going through her “lady checklist.”
Marika and Helen watch as Jane Spencer enters the bar. “I certainly hope you know what you’re talking about,” Helen says. Jane says that she wrote the entire seminar when she was high on Xanax watching a nature documentary. But now the consumer fraud protection borough is shutting her down making this last seminar her swan song. She then realizes Marika was also in the seminar and laughs. “Listen, broad shoulders, my seminar works, so don’t start with me.”
She then explains that it is time for “Mama to go get some meat” and leaves the girls. A waitress comes up to ask if they need anything and comforts Marika saying, “I like your broad shoulders.” She walks away from a flustered Marika (FINALLY IT’S ALL HAPPENING). She shrugs it off as it being a friendly gesture, but Helen’s smirk tells otherwise.
Kimmie calls her friends from the bathroom of Parker’s hotel room telling them that Parker is waiting in the other room to have sex with her. Marika asks if they should come rescue her but she says she has to go in for the kill and hangs up on them. They decide it better to be safe than sorry and indulge in some freakus interruptus to check in on her anyway. Helen unsuccessfully tests her own lioness skills to get Parker’s room number from concierge.
Meanwhile, Kimmie emerges from the bathroom having gotten more comfortable in her clothing and demeanor. She asks Parker to dim the lights and nervously disrobes. Parker assures her that he knows what she looks like, and they hop into bed. He notes that she’s like a lion in the jungle and tells her it’s nice to meet a woman who owns her sexuality. Realizing that she has been faking it, she nervously admits that she isn’t so much owning it as she is putting on a front, and admits that she is a virgin. She apologizes and he assures her that it’s alright and assumed she was more experienced. He also assumes that she’d want her first time to be special. He tells her that he’ll be back from Zimbabwe in a year and asks her on a real date.
Kendall and Richard make it home, sans clothes, and Kendall notes that she looks like a homeless prostitute. Richard laughs it off and tells her he actually likes it, telling her that she doesn’t have to be perfect all of the time.
The three friends return home after a crazy fun night and Kimmie notes that while she may not be a lioness yet, she is no longer a kitten. Cue a Britney Spears’ cover (I wish)! She puts her upcoming date with Parker on the calendar, circling it with a heart.