“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episodes 3.1 & 3.2 “The Valley of the Shadows”

 
 

Pin the screw-up on the donkey — Back at Spencer’s house, the family is sitting down to dinner and Arthur is telling another one of his goofy stories, this time about some client who freaked out in his office. This guy is man-putty for a woman like Paula. I just don’t get them together.

Spencer notices that Glen is looking a little forlorn, which usually means he’s done something really stupid. The family then tries to guess what he’s done wrong. It’s funny when your sibling’s the scapegoat. And convenient. But Glen denies that he’s upset or that he’s done any of the stupid things that they’ve suggested. Because it’s way worse.

Money changes everything—Like Glen, Ashley feels that she’s made too many stupid mistakes, and as a result, her little world has come crashing down. She tells Kyla that she slept with Aiden because she trusts him and feels safe with him. Yes, the foundation of all great passionate love affairs — a sense of safety. Bleh.

Ashley says she just has too many conflicting feelings, and she just can’t figure anything out. That’s when her hateful mom walks in on their little heart-to-heart. She mocks them for being nice to each other before telling them that they’ve just inherited $25 million from their dead rock star dad’s estate.

That’s a figure I can barely imagine, and the girls are kinda excited. They laugh and screech for a minute or so, then just look at each other with mildly happy expressions. You’d think she just told them that she was taking them out for Pinkberry, not that they’re now millionaires.

Two tickets to paradise — Ashley calls Spencer in the middle of the night, and Spencer answers with a cranky, bored, exasperated "hello" when she sees who’s on the other line. Ashley tells her to come down to the front door because there’s a surprise waiting for her. The surprise? It’s Ashley.

It’s a nod to the time she stood outside Spencer’s window and convinced her to play hooky at the beach, a romantic gesture that helped win Spencer’s heart. But things have changed.

Ashley presents Spencer with two tickets to Cabo San Lucas. She wants to use her inheritance to whisk her away, but with no "pressure or expectations — just you and I on the beach drinking margaritas."

Unfortunately for Ashley, Spencer isn’t drunk yet. She reminds Ash that she slept with Aiden just last night. Ashley says, "I told you, no expectations."

Spencer replies, "Then what’s the point?"

Nice.

Ashley gives her the option of having expectations, and even offers to grovel and beg for forgiveness. She should have sweetened the deal with a foot rub, because the groveling and begging doesn’t work.

Spencer admits that she still loves Ashley, but that doesn’t mean she wants to get back together with her. Instead: "It means that you need to figure out your life, and I need to figure out mine. Without you."

Ashley says she’ll never stop trying to win Spencer back, and Spencer essentially tells her, "You do that." And then she goes back to bed. Alone.

Dumb and dumber — Knuckleheads Aiden and Glen are brainstorming a way to keep Glen out of Army. And by "storm," I mean more like a light mist.

Aiden suggests that Glen "shoot off" his foot, act like he’s crazy, and become a priest. Then he offers to beat Glen about the head with baseball bat. Yeah, brain damage would be a great idea if it weren’t already a factor.

Torn between two lovers — Back at school, Ashley is all blinged out in some fancy new clothes. She’s dressed for clubbing, not calculus. As she strolls through the halls she sees Spencer talking to some girl, then Aiden talking to some guy. The point is: They’re not paying attention to her.

School’s. Out. Forever. — Ashley guts her locker of all things academic, tossing her books into a garbage bin. GED fever, it’s spreading through King High like a wildfire!

Ashley tells Aiden that unlike Kyla, she isn’t going on some spiritual retreat. She’s just going to do whatever she wants. She tells him, "Goodbye high school, hello world."

I sense an E! True Hollywood Story in the making. Lindsay, meet your new bunnkmate, Ashley. Ashley, meet Lindsay. Rumor has it that she likes girls too!

Does Guitar Hero come with a carry-on case? — Back at home, Glen confesses his Army secret to Spencer. And he does it just as his father walks into the room. The ensuing family meltdown may just leave Glen a little more prepared for war than he’d like.

Paula, Arthur and Spencer circle Glen like a pack of wild dingoes and berate him for enlisting. Paula stomps her foot, and her voice goes up a few octaves into the dolphin range before Arthur saves the day. He has a plan and whisks Glen away to the recruiting office, but not before Spencer whispers something into her brother’s ear. Hmmm. I wonder what possible Army-avoidance ploy his lesbo sister could possibly be whispering into his ear?

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