“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episodes 3.1 & 3.2 “The Valley of the Shadows”


We take a commercial break, then come back to find them Still Kissing. Then they move to the bed and continue to kiss. Spencer’s hand slides down Ashley’s arm. Ashley grabs Spencer around the waist. They keep kissing!

It’s official: South of Nowhere has been dipped in Spanish fly.

But just when things are about to get good, Ashley opens her mouth and says, "It feels like everything’s perfect again, doesn’t it?"

Scratch goes the needle across the virtual record. To quote Dianne Wiest in Bullets Over Broadway yet again: Ashley, don’t speak!

Spencer backs away from her. Uh, no, Ash, it’s not like before. You really hurt her, and her brother is still dead. Sigh. The kissing was nice while it lasted, though.

Spencer: I was so in love with you, Ash.
You broke my heart, Ash. When you were with Aiden —
I told you, nothing happened with Aiden.
That just doesn’t even matter now. When you were in Europe, you didn’t even call me back for weeks. It was like out of sight, out of mind.
No —
My brother died, and you just left.
I know, and it was stupid. I don’t do death well, you know that!

Yeah, not like rest of us who handle it with grace and ease. Oh Ashley, just shut up now and maybe you’ll still have a chance to keep Spencer.

But she doesn’t. She just keeps yapping about how she dreamt of Spencer every night while they were apart, and she even drops the L bomb: Now she "loves" Spencer. That makes it all OK, right?

Uh, no. It just makes things worse. Spencer is tired of the yo-yo treatment, and she doesn’t think Ashley even knows what she wants. Being with Ashley is confusing, complicated and painful. Spencer’s done.

The substitution method — Because she’s so terribly heartbroken and desperate to get Spencer back, Ashley makes out with Aiden. It’s as dumb in print as it is on-screen, isn’t it? Ashley sucks.

Make sales, not war — Glen pays a visit to his recruiter, Sergeant McAndrews, who insists on speaking in number talk. He called Glen at 0500 hours; he sent him an email at 0900 hours. Why did it take Glen until 1700 hours to respond?

Too many numbers. This whole scene is so Rain Man, and it’s getting on my last nerve.

Glen tells The Count that he doesn’t need to be in Army anymore now that he’s got that job at Tools R Us. McAndrews briefly uses letters and words to tell Glen that it doesn’t work that way. He made a "contract with your country," and Army will make him honor it.

Glen goes home. He is screwed.

The ride of shame — As they walk into school, Kyla tells Spencer that she’s decided to kick King High to the curb and instead get her GED. Spencer tries to convince Kyla to stay, but how do you do a hard sell for detention and cafeteria food?

Kyla is looking to embark on a spiritual journey, and she’s about to explain that to Spencer when she sees Aiden roll up on his crotch rocket with Ashley riding bitch. Good morning, lovers.

Busted beyond belief, Ashley waves and offers a lame, "Hi guys," and Spencer lets her have it.

Spencer: Wow. It didn’t even take you one night. What are you going to say, Ashley, that you love me? Because that’s really clear right now, isn’t it?

Spencer should kick over Aiden’s bike. That would be cool. But she doesn’t. Sandals, a fresh pedicure, a sweet disposition — certain things get in the way of that sort of outburst.

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