“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episodes 3.1 & 3.2 “The Valley of the Shadows”


Knocked up — Across campus, Spencer and Chelsea are chowing down. Well, actually Spencer is sitting there looking skinny and blond as she watches Chelsea chow down. Because she’s eating for two now.

Chelsea tells Spencer that the thing that really sucks about being pregnant, "besides everything," (ha) is that it’s making her fat. And getting fat depresses her, so she soothes herself by … eating. Spencer lamely protests with "You’re not fat!" which is good practice for her if she ever has a non-supermodel-sized girlfriend one day.

Spencer is launching into a speech about how Chelsea doesn’t even look "that pregnant" (seriously, she is going to make a good girlfriend for any chick who puffs up beyond a size zero when she’s PMSing) when Ashley sidles up to their table. Yeah, it’s awkward.

So Ashley launches into one of her speeches. You know, the one where she makes emotionless statements about what she’s done wrong, point by point. And by the end it sounds more like an explanation than an apology. Like Peter Cetera, Ashley finds it hard to say, "I’m sorry."

It’s irritating, but I understand why she might be that way. It’s because she’s always the one getting into trouble. Think about it: When’s the last time Spencer officially did anything "wrong"?

But back to Ashley. When you spend that much time in the doghouse, you’re always trying to think up ways to get your sentence reduced. Confession expedites the process.

Ashley: I owe you an apology. I checked out. I know I just up and left, and …
Yeah. There’s so much that I want to say to you …
Say it.
I don’t even know where to start.

That’s when the MTV intern makes another invasion.

MTV Intern: Sorry to interrupt.
Then don’t.
MTV Intern:
Actually, I just want to talk to you.
MTV Intern:
Can you tell me a time that’s better for you?
Yeah, never.
You know what? [It's never a good sign when a girl opens with that.] You two should talk to each other, because I’m not sure that I really want to have this conversation right now.

Ashley is pissed because Spencer is having the appropriate response to her crappy behavior. So she takes it out on the hapless intern. She doesn’t give an interview to her, she gives an interview at her.

Ashley: You want to know what I think about violence in school today? I think everything about life is violent. I think that people are constantly harsh to each other, I think that parents are horrible to their children, friends become enemies and people that you love you crap on for no apparent reason. And you lose everything that you ever had. Four people may have died that night, but all of us got buried somehow.

Ashley is such a drama queen. Why is everything always about her?

Carpe dumbass — Ex-lovers Kyla and Aiden have an awkward moment in front of Kyla’s locker. And it’s made more awkward by his fumbling attempt to have a "talk."

Kyla says that their time together was "really great," but then adds that six months at King High may have been just enough for her. Yeah, their time together was so "great" that it inspired her to consider leaving town.

Then she changes the subject to Aiden’s new motorcycle, a predictable silver-and-red crotch rocket. Kyla wants to know why he got the new wheels, and he tells her that it’s all part of his new outlook on life. Surviving the shooting has made him a "carpe diem" kind of guy. He offers her a ride, but she passes. To which he replies, "OK, well, carpe later!"

I think Kyla is the one who dodged a bullet this season.

Canvas confessional — Spencer and Chelsea are hanging out at Chelsea’s studio, talking about Spencer’s treacherous love life. Spencer can’t decide if she should cut Ashley off or, well, just kiss her. But before she can reveal more, the MTV intern arrives with her crew and her clipboard to interview Chelsea.

In her interview, Chelsea admits that she didn’t originally plan to keep the baby but is now doing so out of respect for Clay, who begged her to have it. Chelsea is clearly disappointed with how things have shaken out.

She tells them: "Now he’s gone. And I’m here, not studying in Paris, four months pregnant, spending my senior year as a statistic.

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