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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episodes 3.1 & 3.2 “The Valley of the Shadows”

Welcome back, one and all, for a third season of South of Nowhere recaps. I’ll be your cruise director as we sail the high seas of teen drama. Be sure to take your Dramamine (no pun intended, believe it or not), because the Season 3 premiere is a doozy.

Emergency room – Finally, it’s the season premiere: time to find out who got smoked at the end of last season. The ER doors slide open and in walks Glen, who we now know will live to annoy us all another day. Mother Superior is on duty in the ER, and she hugs Glen tightly. He may be a big pain in the ass, but he’s her pain in the ass.

In the background are Chelsea and Sean, looking very forlorn. Her corsage is wilty. Chelsea herself looks pretty wilty, too.

Aiden is rolled in on a stretcher with what looks like a bullet hole in his chest, and Ashley is right by his side. He’s whisked away to the operating room, but I think he’ll be OK. As the resident slab of beefcake, they need him to stick around. And remember: They can always rebuild him. They have the technology. They can make him faster, stronger, smarter. Well, at least they can make him faster and stronger.

Madison is there too (Thank God they didn’t off her!), weeping and wringing her hands.

Madison: What do they say about Aiden? Ashley: [sniffles] That he’s 50/50.
That’s what they say about you too, sweetie. Heh.

Then Ashley remembers that she has a girlfriend. She goes to Spencer, who is sitting in the corner with a bloody bandage in her hand. Ashley enters into a new set of hysterics and insists that Spencer get treated, but it turns out that our girl has only fallen down and scraped herself. She wasn’t shot. Suddenly, the emergency room doors slide open, and Clay is rolled in on a stretcher. He doesn’t look so good. Spencer begins to freak out, as does Chelsea. Spencer’s pop, Arthur, shows up to check on his kids. Ashley sees him embracing Glen and Spencer, then she looks around and sees Chelsea being comforted, too. She looks down at her perfectly manicured, blood-stained hand and stares at it. It’s empty. No one is holding Ashley.

And that’s when her stepsister, Kyla, bounds into the seat next to her and gives her a big hug. And I’m glad, because with all of this death and destruction, I don’t think I can handle one of Ashley’s “poor me, I’m all alone” hissy fits.

Paula comes back into the lobby to find Arthur and Spencer. She’s removing her bloody scrubs. That is not a good sign.

R.I.P. Clay Carlin – The Carlins gather around Clay’s lifeless body and begin to cry. Clay seems to have died with a smile on his face, which is weird. Wonder if that has anything to do with the rumors surrounding Danso Gordon’s departure from the show. Allegedly, he didn’t like working on a pro-gay show because it went against his morals.

Was he really that happy to go?

Through a window, we see Ashley standing alone and watching them. She’s separated from Spencer at this horrible moment and doesn’t quite know what to do with herself. I think they call this “foreshadowing.”

Three months later – We fast-forward ahead to three months after the shooting, sparing us the funeral scene and the Carlin family consumed by grief and shuffling through their house like zombies. Why can’t life be more like TV?

Spencer is in her über-girlie bedroom, wearing her über-girlie pink bathrobe. Sigh. I’ve missed Spencer, my child bride.

A softer, more subdued Paula comes in to say good night, followed by Arthur. He wants to know if Spencer’s ready for the first day of school tomorrow, and he gives her some of his therapist advice for getting through the day. Spencer will always be a daddy’s girl.

Back to school – At King High, Madison finds Kyla standing in front of a shrine created for the students who were killed in the shooting.

Madison: This feels really, really weird. Kyla: I know. Madison: How was your summer?
Um, I guess Madison’s done some speed-grieving of her own! Death is such a bother. It gets in the way of talking about hair and makeup and poaching other people’s boyfriends.

Kyla tells Madison that she had an epiphany over the summer, learning that “every moment matters, and none of them should be wasted.” Madison looks at her a little blankly, then goes to her default setting: pissy.

Madison: Tell me you haven’t joined a cult. Kyla: [exasperated] No. Madison: Tell me you’re not starting one. Kyla: [now completely through with her] Madison! No cults.
Kyla needs to dial back her expectations of Madison. She’s not the kind of girl who’s going to spend her summer break reading Pema Chödrön at the beach.

Kyla notices a camera crew in the schoolyard. MTV is there to make a documentary about the shooting, and the commercialization of the tragedy makes her wrinkle up her nose in disgust. Madison, however, is thrilled.

Madison: Our school has finally made it! I’d better go do my hair!
Kyla now looks like she just got a whiff of Aiden’s gym bag. Madison is quick to assure her that she’s kidding. You know, that thing people always say when they’re totally not kidding.

Wanna see my scar ? — Ash and Aiden are walking to class together, and she’s tagging after him like a little puppy, asking to “see it.” He reminds her that she’s seen “it” a million times. What are they talking about? His scar, you pigs. Aiden was shot through the heart (and did I mention that you’re to blame?), and Ashley wants to see the wound. She makes sure to caress his chest as she examines the red blotch (which looks like a bigger, redder version of Marky Mark’s extra nipple), and as she does, the two exchange knowing looks.

Oh, it is so on between them again.

As they banter back and forth, we learn that Ashley was in Europe for two months while everyone else at King High was getting therapy for PTSD. She’s typically blasé about it all, casually mentioning that she didn’t return Spencer’s calls while she was away.

Even Aiden is stopped in his tracks by that particular revelation. She didn’t call Spencer, she tells him, because after Clay’s death, she “just couldn’t deal.”

Ashley most definitely gives love a bad name.

They don’t want their MTV — Spencer is accosted by an ambitious young reporter from MTV who wants her to discuss the shooting. I suspect the woman is an unpaid intern whose zest for the job is a product of her raw ambition. I have no idea why I created a backstory for her, but there you go.

She tells Spencer that they want all of the students to share their feelings about the shooting for the documentary. Spencer, it turns out, has agreed to do so — but only “for Clay.” Unlike Madison, this will not be her audition tape for Real World: South Beach.

Spencer: I had this whole thing in my head, but now of course I can’t remember a word of it. So, um, the night of the shooting I lost my brother. [starts to cry] It reminds me of how much this all sucks. I’m done.
That was really short. The intern will now be fired.

Guitar zero — Back at the Carlin homestead, Glen is pumping his ridiculous goatee into the air while rocking a Guitar Hero solo. He’s still in his bathrobe. I’m thinking it’s probably noon. My mother would have ripped him a new one by now. And then some.

Mother Superior comes home from work and, well, proceeds to do just that. Glen is so dumb that he (a) tells her to check out his solo; (b) asks her why she’s home so early. Rather than

In the middle of all of this, Glen has a flashback to the day he received his letter from the Army (aka “Army” to you Arrested Development fans) telling him to report for basic training. Glen must have socked that letter away in his underwear drawer and tried to forget he ever opened it. Which is what I do when the Feds ask me when I plan to repay my student loans.

I’m ready for my close-up — Cut to King High where the MTV intern is grilling the perpetually camera-ready Madison about her own experience with the shooting.

Madison: Yeah, it was scary to come back, but now that I’m here it’s OK. Life goes on, you know. And there were plenty of things I regretted doing before the shooting, so I didn’t need a tragedy to figure them out.
Then she takes off to practice some routines before cheerleading tryouts.

Madison, back in tiny little cheerleader miniskirts on the cheer squad? I couldn’t be happier.

Knocked up — Across campus, Spencer and Chelsea are chowing down. Well, actually Spencer is sitting there looking skinny and blond as she watches Chelsea chow down. Because she’s eating for two now.

Chelsea tells Spencer that the thing that really sucks about being pregnant, “besides everything,” (ha) is that it’s making her fat. And getting fat depresses her, so she soothes herself by … eating. Spencer lamely protests with “You’re not fat!” which is good practice for her if she ever has a non-supermodel-sized girlfriend one day. Spencer is launching into a speech about how Chelsea doesn’t even look “that pregnant” (seriously, she is going to make a good girlfriend for any chick who puffs up beyond a size zero when she’s PMSing) when Ashley sidles up to their table. Yeah, it’s awkward.

So Ashley launches into one of her speeches. You know, the one where she makes emotionless statements about what she’s done wrong, point by point. And by the end it sounds more like an explanation than an apology. Like Peter Cetera, Ashley finds it hard to say, “I’m sorry.”

It’s irritating, but I understand why she might be that way. It’s because she’s always the one getting into trouble. Think about it: When’s the last time Spencer officially did anything “wrong”?

But back to Ashley. When you spend that much time in the doghouse, you’re always trying to think up ways to get your sentence reduced. Confession expedites the process.

Ashley: I owe you an apology. I checked out. I know I just up and left, and … Spencer: Disappeared. Ashley: Yeah. There’s so much that I want to say to you … Spencer: Say it. Ashley: I don’t even know where to start.
That’s when the MTV intern makes another invasion.
MTV Intern: Sorry to interrupt. Ashley: Then don’t. MTV Intern: Actually, I just want to talk to you. Ashley: Goodbye. MTV Intern: Can you tell me a time that’s better for you? Ashley: Yeah, never. Spencer: You know what? [It’s never a good sign when a girl opens with that.] You two should talk to each other, because I’m not sure that I really want to have this conversation right now.
Ashley is pissed because Spencer is having the appropriate response to her crappy behavior. So she takes it out on the hapless intern. She doesn’t give an interview to her, she gives an interview at her.
Ashley: You want to know what I think about violence in school today? I think everything about life is violent. I think that people are constantly harsh to each other, I think that parents are horrible to their children, friends become enemies and people that you love you crap on for no apparent reason. And you lose everything that you ever had. Four people may have died that night, but all of us got buried somehow.
Ashley is such a drama queen. Why is everything always about her? Carpe dumbass — Ex-lovers Kyla and Aiden have an awkward moment in front of Kyla’s locker. And it’s made more awkward by his fumbling attempt to have a “talk.”

Kyla says that their time together was “really great,” but then adds that six months at King High may have been just enough for her. Yeah, their time together was so “great” that it inspired her to consider leaving town.

Then she changes the subject to Aiden’s new motorcycle, a predictable silver-and-red crotch rocket. Kyla wants to know why he got the new wheels, and he tells her that it’s all part of his new outlook on life. Surviving the shooting has made him a “carpe diem” kind of guy. He offers her a ride, but she passes. To which he replies, “OK, well, carpe later!”

I think Kyla is the one who dodged a bullet this season.

Canvas confessional — Spencer and Chelsea are hanging out at Chelsea’s studio, talking about Spencer’s treacherous love life. Spencer can’t decide if she should cut Ashley off or, well, just kiss her. But before she can reveal more, the MTV intern arrives with her crew and her clipboard to interview Chelsea.

In her interview, Chelsea admits that she didn’t originally plan to keep the baby but is now doing so out of respect for Clay, who begged her to have it. Chelsea is clearly disappointed with how things have shaken out.

She tells them: “Now he’s gone. And I’m here, not studying in Paris, four months pregnant, spending my senior year as a statistic.

Tools R Us — Across town, Glen shuffles out of a sporting goods store after a job interview. He looks disappointed, and Aiden — who has used his power and prestige to hook Glen up with this interview — assumes that Glen is gloomy because he blew the interview.

No, Glen assures him, it was obvious to all that he “rocks” and he got the job. He tells Aiden what’s really bother him: that small matter of enlisting in Army. Glen thinks that getting a job might trump his commitment to the U.S. government.

Aiden’s brilliant assessment? “Whatever, dude.” Ugh. These guys are such tools.

Lesbians are like vampires; you have to invite them in — Ash shows up on Spencer’s doorstep and is met by Mother Superior. She has enough sense to ask Paula how she’s doing in the wake of Clay’s death. Paula also plays nice by asking Ashley about her European vacation. No hair-pulling, no lesbian-tossing. Just Paula and Ashley making some small talk.

Paula shrieks at Spencer to come see Ashley, but Spencer doesn’t. She just stands at the top of the stairs and listens to their conversation. Ashley gets the hint that she’s being ignored, and she leaves, embarrassed and deflated. And it kinda serves her right. Talk to the clipboard — MTV interviews Sean, Clay’s best friend, about the school shooting. Sean is philosophical per the norm, putting the shooting into the larger context of the “erosion of youth culture.” Sean is clearly ready for college, and I think he should be a Women’s Studies major.

Shake that thang — Finally, some excitement! Madison is performing a cheer routine in front of the squad, including her frenemy and fellow cheer bitch, Sherry. A lot of people have turned out to see Madison shake it, including that guy who’s stolen my front-row seat.

Whatever meds Madison’s taking haven’t compromised her moves; the girl has still got it. Best of all, she’s dancing in front of a giant banner that reads, “GO COBRAS!” (the King High mascot). But she’s positioned herself in such a way that her body is blocking part of the sign, so it looks like “GO BRAS!” Heh.

Sherry is impressed and invites her back to the team, and Madison basically tells her to take this job and shove it. She ain’t workin’ there no more.

She’s uplifted by the experience, but I’m really disappointed. I just hope she takes up another sport that also involves wearing a miniskirt. Tennis, anyone?

Ashley = kryptonite — In his interview, Aiden tells the MTV intern that he’s never felt better. The high-school shooting was the best thing that ever happened to him!

He’s quit basketball. (I thought he said “Tabasco,” as in Tabasco sauce, which confused me because hot peppers have medicinal properties. Seriously, they do!) He’s thinking about college; he looks good; he feels good. As Dianne Wiest says in Bullets Over Broadway, the world will open up for him like a magnificent vagina!

Then Ashley walks by, and Aiden’s puffed-up chest deflates. Almost everything is great.

Kiss or kill — Spencer goes over to Chelsea’s studio for a visit, but instead finds Ashley there waiting for her. Surprise! Spencer looks wary of her, and I can’t blame her. Ashley launches into another one of her nonapologetic apology speeches.

Ashley: I don’t know what happened between us. I wasn’t there for you — again — and I wanted to be and I felt guilty and I didn’t call because I still didn’t even know what to say. But I do know what to say now. The night of the shooting, when our entire world fell apart, you told me that I needed to choose between you and Aiden. Here I am. I choose you. I need you. Please tell me you need me just a little bit too.
Luckily for all of us, Spencer follows the first rule of writing: Show, don’t tell.

She embraces Ashley, and they kiss. And kiss. And kiss. Oh my God, they’re still kissing!

We take a commercial break, then come back to find them Still Kissing. Then they move to the bed and continue to kiss. Spencer’s hand slides down Ashley’s arm. Ashley grabs Spencer around the waist. They keep kissing! It’s official: South of Nowhere has been dipped in Spanish fly.

But just when things are about to get good, Ashley opens her mouth and says, “It feels like everything’s perfect again, doesn’t it?”

Scratch goes the needle across the virtual record. To quote Dianne Wiest in Bullets Over Broadway yet again: Ashley, don’t speak!

Spencer backs away from her. Uh, no, Ash, it’s not like before. You really hurt her, and her brother is still dead. Sigh. The kissing was nice while it lasted, though.

Spencer: I was so in love with you, Ash. Ash: Was? Spencer: You broke my heart, Ash. When you were with Aiden — Ash: I told you, nothing happened with Aiden. Spencer: That just doesn’t even matter now. When you were in Europe, you didn’t even call me back for weeks. It was like out of sight, out of mind. Ash: No — Spencer: My brother died, and you just left. Ashley: I know, and it was stupid. I don’t do death well, you know that!
Yeah, not like rest of us who handle it with grace and ease. Oh Ashley, just shut up now and maybe you’ll still have a chance to keep Spencer.

But she doesn’t. She just keeps yapping about how she dreamt of Spencer every night while they were apart, and she even drops the L bomb: Now she “loves” Spencer. That makes it all OK, right?

Uh, no. It just makes things worse. Spencer is tired of the yo-yo treatment, and she doesn’t think Ashley even knows what she wants. Being with Ashley is confusing, complicated and painful. Spencer’s done. The substitution method — Because she’s so terribly heartbroken and desperate to get Spencer back, Ashley makes out with Aiden. It’s as dumb in print as it is on-screen, isn’t it? Ashley sucks. Make sales, not war — Glen pays a visit to his recruiter, Sergeant McAndrews, who insists on speaking in number talk. He called Glen at 0500 hours; he sent him an email at 0900 hours. Why did it take Glen until 1700 hours to respond?

Too many numbers. This whole scene is so Rain Man, and it’s getting on my last nerve.

Glen tells The Count that he doesn’t need to be in Army anymore now that he’s got that job at Tools R Us. McAndrews briefly uses letters and words to tell Glen that it doesn’t work that way. He made a “contract with your country,” and Army will make him honor it.

Glen goes home. He is screwed.

The ride of shame — As they walk into school, Kyla tells Spencer that she’s decided to kick King High to the curb and instead get her GED. Spencer tries to convince Kyla to stay, but how do you do a hard sell for detention and cafeteria food?

Kyla is looking to embark on a spiritual journey, and she’s about to explain that to Spencer when she sees Aiden roll up on his crotch rocket with Ashley riding bitch. Good morning, lovers. Busted beyond belief, Ashley waves and offers a lame, “Hi guys,” and Spencer lets her have it.

Spencer: Wow. It didn’t even take you one night. What are you going to say, Ashley, that you love me? Because that’s really clear right now, isn’t it?
Spencer should kick over Aiden’s bike. That would be cool. But she doesn’t. Sandals, a fresh pedicure, a sweet disposition — certain things get in the way of that sort of outburst.

Pin the screw-up on the donkey — Back at Spencer’s house, the family is sitting down to dinner and Arthur is telling another one of his goofy stories, this time about some client who freaked out in his office. This guy is man-putty for a woman like Paula. I just don’t get them together.

Spencer notices that Glen is looking a little forlorn, which usually means he’s done something really stupid. The family then tries to guess what he’s done wrong. It’s funny when your sibling’s the scapegoat. And convenient. But Glen denies that he’s upset or that he’s done any of the stupid things that they’ve suggested. Because it’s way worse. Money changes everything—Like Glen, Ashley feels that she’s made too many stupid mistakes, and as a result, her little world has come crashing down. She tells Kyla that she slept with Aiden because she trusts him and feels safe with him. Yes, the foundation of all great passionate love affairs — a sense of safety. Bleh.

Ashley says she just has too many conflicting feelings, and she just can’t figure anything out. That’s when her hateful mom walks in on their little heart-to-heart. She mocks them for being nice to each other before telling them that they’ve just inherited $25 million from their dead rock star dad’s estate.

That’s a figure I can barely imagine, and the girls are kinda excited. They laugh and screech for a minute or so, then just look at each other with mildly happy expressions. You’d think she just told them that she was taking them out for Pinkberry, not that they’re now millionaires.

Two tickets to paradise — Ashley calls Spencer in the middle of the night, and Spencer answers with a cranky, bored, exasperated “hello” when she sees who’s on the other line. Ashley tells her to come down to the front door because there’s a surprise waiting for her. The surprise? It’s Ashley.

It’s a nod to the time she stood outside Spencer’s window and convinced her to play hooky at the beach, a romantic gesture that helped win Spencer’s heart. But things have changed.

Ashley presents Spencer with two tickets to Cabo San Lucas. She wants to use her inheritance to whisk her away, but with no “pressure or expectations — just you and I on the beach drinking margaritas.” Unfortunately for Ashley, Spencer isn’t drunk yet. She reminds Ash that she slept with Aiden just last night. Ashley says, “I told you, no expectations.”

Spencer replies, “Then what’s the point?”

Nice.

Ashley gives her the option of having expectations, and even offers to grovel and beg for forgiveness. She should have sweetened the deal with a foot rub, because the groveling and begging doesn’t work.

Spencer admits that she still loves Ashley, but that doesn’t mean she wants to get back together with her. Instead: “It means that you need to figure out your life, and I need to figure out mine. Without you.”

Ashley says she’ll never stop trying to win Spencer back, and Spencer essentially tells her, “You do that.” And then she goes back to bed. Alone.

Dumb and dumber — Knuckleheads Aiden and Glen are brainstorming a way to keep Glen out of Army. And by “storm,” I mean more like a light mist.

Aiden suggests that Glen “shoot off” his foot, act like he’s crazy, and become a priest. Then he offers to beat Glen about the head with baseball bat. Yeah, brain damage would be a great idea if it weren’t already a factor.

Torn between two lovers — Back at school, Ashley is all blinged out in some fancy new clothes. She’s dressed for clubbing, not calculus. As she strolls through the halls she sees Spencer talking to some girl, then Aiden talking to some guy. The point is: They’re not paying attention to her. School’s. Out. Forever. — Ashley guts her locker of all things academic, tossing her books into a garbage bin. GED fever, it’s spreading through King High like a wildfire!

Ashley tells Aiden that unlike Kyla, she isn’t going on some spiritual retreat. She’s just going to do whatever she wants. She tells him, “Goodbye high school, hello world.”

I sense an E! True Hollywood Story in the making. Lindsay, meet your new bunnkmate, Ashley. Ashley, meet Lindsay. Rumor has it that she likes girls too!

Does Guitar Hero come with a carry-on case? — Back at home, Glen confesses his Army secret to Spencer. And he does it just as his father walks into the room. The ensuing family meltdown may just leave Glen a little more prepared for war than he’d like. Paula, Arthur and Spencer circle Glen like a pack of wild dingoes and berate him for enlisting. Paula stomps her foot, and her voice goes up a few octaves into the dolphin range before Arthur saves the day. He has a plan and whisks Glen away to the recruiting office, but not before Spencer whispers something into her brother’s ear. Hmmm. I wonder what possible Army-avoidance ploy his lesbo sister could possibly be whispering into his ear?

Retail therapy — Resourceful girl that she is, Ashley has transferred Spencer’s ticket to Cabo over to Kyla. Which is kind of like taking your old granny to Burning Man, but it beats going there alone.

She’s also trying to spend her whole inheritance today. She rattles off a list of all the different outfits they’ll be needing for their two-day stay in Cabo, then suggests that they go drop $1,000 on sushi. Kyla is appalled. She asks Ashley why they don’t just fly to Tokyo for lunch. Ashley thinks it’s a great idea, and says so as she loads her fresh purchases into a limousine. What happened to her flashy convertible from last season? It must have clashed with her new hat.

Don’t kiss, don’t tell — Glen and Arthur go to the Army recruiting office to have a little talk with The Count. And a little liplock. Glen grabs The Count and plants a big juicy kiss on his lips.

Glen: I just couldn’t stay in the closet anymore. I know the whole thing about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The Count: I know you’re not gay. Glen: Yeah I am. The Count: I just saw you checking out Sgt. Lindsey over there.
Cut to a cute girl in fatigues, sitting at a desk nearby.

Arthur reveals that Glen signed up for Army when he was underage, and he did so without his or Paula’s consent. Glen used his fake ID to enlist, and The Count quickly confiscates it and sends them packing.

Too bad. A crew cut would have looked pretty funny on that curly mop of his.

Sweet dreams aren’t made of this — It’s late, and Spencer is in bed talking on the phone to Ashley, who is across town in her own bed.

Ash assures Spencer that just because she’s leaving King High doesn’t mean she’s going away. She’s simply embarking on a new chapter of her life. Spencer likens it to a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but reminds Ashley: “Life doesn’t work that way. Everything moves forward; nothing moves backward.” In other words: I’m not getting back together with you.

Ashley sighs with disappointment, then wishes Spencer a good night. Then she rolls over and gazes at Aiden who is fast asleep next to her in the bed. I guess Ashley doesn’t do breakups well, either.

Next week on South of Nowhere Aiden calls Ashley out, someone throws Spencer up against a wall (no, not in a good way), and Spencer chooses her own adventure when she kisses a brand new girl.

Want more SON? Check out our new weekly South of Nowhere video blog!

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