“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episodes 2.11 & 2.12

Smackdown on the Lido Deck—Once outside, Spencer confronts Aiden about his connection to Ashley. And like any other misguided, cuckolded little dyke, she blames the guy instead of her girlfriend for the situation.

Spencer: I don’t want to have to tell her to choose.
Aiden: What are you talking about? She’s in love with you, Spencer. You two are solid.
Spencer: I can’t compete with the kind of history you two have.
Aiden: It’s not a competition! Where did this come from? Did I do something wrong?
Spencer: No! If you could just back off it would really help. If I lose her, I don’t have anything.
Aiden: I have my own thing with a Davies sister.
Spencer: Yeah, but I’m a little about which one that may be.
Aiden: Whatever! I’ll back off and you’re gonna see that you’re paranoid over nothing.

King High—Madison is lunching with Aiden, telling him all about the “spa” her parents sent her to because they could just tell that she needed a break. From the looks of the giant green-tinged bags under her eyes, I’m thinking she should ask for a refund.

And don’t even get me started on her hair. What kind of granola spa was this? Madison has never looked so sloppy. Or so wacky. Her eyes practically bug out of her head when she tells him, “People look at us. They like us together…I’ll take you back.”

Somewhere, a bunny is boiling.

Ash and Spencer come over to invite Aiden to join them for lunch. Actually, it’s Ash who invites him, and when she does Spencer puckers up into a giant, pissy, pout. And I don’t blame her.

If your girlfriend is Spencer, do you really invite some guy to spend your precious lunch break with you? You could be making out in the car! You could be making out at Taco Bell! You could be cutting out for the rest of the day and making out in your own bed because you have a neglectful parent who won’t notice anyway.

There are just so many other options.

Aiden declines the invitation and Spencer notices that he’s trying to disentangle himself from Madison’s cuckoo-pants clutches.

The Davies Estate—Aiden is telling Kyla that Madison has lost her damn mind, and she has the appropriate response. She says that she feels bad for Madison because she’s obviously having a difficult time. (This is how we know that she and Ash aren’t full sisters. The chromosomes that make her worried about Madison are the same ones that Ash doesn’t share.)

Aiden demands some of that compassion for his pain—pain he claims to have endured when getting a new tattoo. Kyla wants to see it, so Aiden (gasp!) rips off his shirt to show her. Only it isn’t really a tattoo. Aiden has written in black ink on his torso a checkbox invitation to Kyla to be his date to the prom. She giddily uses a black marker to check the “Yes” box just under his right nipple. Then they kiss and hug, like normal teenagers in the throes of passion usually do.

Kyla’s Room—Ashley comes in for another weirdly chummy sister moment with Kyla. In fact, I think Ashley is using some of her girl pick-up techniques on her sister—not to pick her up, of course, but to get what she wants from her—whatever that may be.

Ash even offers to go get a tattoo with Kyla. When Kyla balks because it’s so permanent, Ashley earnestly declares, “So is having a sister.” I think Ash is smoking some of the same stuff that Helena smoked last season on The L Word. It’s that crazy personality-changing ganja. (And for the record, it’s beginning to look like Ashley may have dipped into Tina’s stash.)

King High Girls Bathroom—Ash and Kyla are showing off their new hip tattoos for Spencer. Spencer says very sweetly to Ash that maybe they could go get tattoos together too. Ash glibly blows her off with, “I dunno, Spencer. If we get tired of each other, these won’t just wash off.”

Ouch.

Spencer is shocked that Ash is so not hearing her today. She says, “I didn’t mean like getting names or anything.”

Even Kyla registers some shock at how careless Ash is being with Spencer, and she gets the hell out of there before the fireworks can start. Ash suggests to Spencer that they get matching bracelets instead of some new skin ink, claiming that it would “hurt a lot less” than a tattoo. Spencer is decidedly underwhelmed by the suggestion—and by all of Ashley’s bullshit—and says icily, “I’m down for anything that involves less pain these days.” Then she exits.

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