All along the watchtower – Ashley and Kyla are surveying their territory (that would be all of Los Angeles) from their loft in the sky. Kyla is thrilled with the fact that they have valet parking (is she even old enough to drive?), while Ash is excited about the most important amenity of them all: the loft’s top-of-the-line mother disposal system.
Ashley: You can look for miles and still not even see my mother’s zip code. Kyla: It’s official – we’re grown-ups.One of the main perks of being a “grown-up”? Having lady or gentlemen callers whenever you want.
Enter Aiden.
Aiden is all pumped up and ready to heave about some heavy objects when he sees the moving guys exiting the apartment. Whoops. Ash forgot to tell him that she used a portion of her millions to hire movers. Rather than be relieved that he won’t be slathering Tiger Balm all over himself in a few hours, he pitches a mini-fit over the fact that he isn’t needed.
Oh no, Ashley assures him, he is most definitely needed. Cue the porny music as she drags him into her bedroom and begins ripping his clothes off. But wait – before Ashley can tear him to shreds, Aiden whips out a photo of them together and proudly presents it to her.
Ashley: Ew. You look so “boyfriend” in this. Aiden: Well, that’s what I am, right? Ashley: Come here, whatever you are.Aiden looks crestfallen – but just for a second. He surrenders pretty quickly to the temptation of being a boy toy. Cue the nosy sister/ex-girlfriend who barges into the room to tell Ashley that they’re “famous.” Aiden scrambles to cover his nakedness as Kyla, seemingly unfazed, yammers on about how some guys have made a website dedicated to her and Ash – the new “It Girls” – and how the site has gotten 10,000 views in two hours.
Those stats get Ash’s attention, and she joins Kyla for a trip down Self-Centered Lane. The two check out the pictures of themselves on the website while Aiden stands around with his, um, pillow in his hand. He finally asks them to please hand him his clothes, and when they turn to look at him, you can see that they have the glazed-over eyes of the power-mad.
Hanging on the telephone – Spencer calls to check in on her ex and is greeted with a brusque “What!?” when Ashley answers. She takes it on the chin, per the norm, and breezily asks Ash about her new pad. Ashley gripes about not being able to find her toothbrush. But at least she’s found her vital organs telephone.
Spencer: Now we can finally talk. Ashley: We talked last night. Spencer: No, I mean talk talk.In Ashley’s world, talk talk is not a euphemism for having an intimate conversation. It’s not even a reference to a popular English New Wave band from the olden days. No, it’s just an invitation to go on and on about her new favorite subject: herself. She tells Spencer all about the website, the pictures of her and Kyla at Ego, and how everyone now wants them. Spencer is visibly disappointed. Ashley is not the person with whom she once fell in love.
Paula peeks into Spencer’s room and finds her on the phone with Ashley. Not realizing that the girls are simply having a really boring one-way “conversation,” she scurries back down to the kitchen to grill Arthur about the girls’ “pillow talk.” How long will it go on, she wonders?
The sad part is that Spencer’s probably asking herself the same question.
Like a bat out of hell – Aiden is tearing up the pavement on his crotch rocket with some hapless female holding on to him for dear life. When they finally come to a stop and take off their helmets, we see that his passenger is – gasp! – Spencer. Despite the fact that Aiden is now dating her ex, Spencer is rekindling their friendship. Because that’s just the kind of girl she is.
After some obligatory bickering over his (lack of) driving skills, Spencer sincerely thanks him for the lift, and Aiden admits he’s surprised – but glad – that she asked him for a ride. “Life’s too short to hold grudges,” she tells him, “especially against you.”
They exchange “laters,” and before you can say “Miss Right,” a hot brunette in a frumpy green dress approaches him and flashes a big, impossibly white smile. (Can someone please tell me how/why the empire waist came back into fashion, and then tell me which queeny designer’s ass I need to kick in order to get rid of it again?) Hot brunette’s a former King High student who recognizes him from that blasted MTV documentary. But now she’s a College Girl. Ka-ching!
Aiden’s about to embark on a spontaneous coffee date with her when he gets a “911” text from Ashley. He’s whipped enough to bail on the date, but College Girl gives him her digits and requests a do-over.
So you think you can blog? – Madison is back at the Farmer’s Market dining with the Owen Wilson-alike blog boy. He makes a point of bragging about his travels abroad and how he writes about his adventures in any given city, then just moves on. Something about the idea of this dude being über temporary is enthralling to her. Madison is going to show him her Los Angeles (which last season would have included the bathroom stall at Gray and a room at the county hospital).
She asks him if he can dance, and he admits that he really can’t. “You will by the time I’m through with you,” she tells him with a leer. Can you get detention for doing the “forbidden dance”?
Paint a picture, it’ll last longer – Carmen shows up at Chelsea’s studio unannounced, and now that Chelsea no longer finds her annoying (maybe because she stopped flirting with Chelsea and is now aiming at Spencer), she invites her in for a tour. Glen is on his way out after helping Chelsea move some of her paintings.
Chelsea introduces them, and Carmen – in a brilliant moment of lesbian authenticity – gives him the head-cock acknowledgment. You know, dude to dude. Maybe that’s why Glen speeds away.
Carmen admires Chelsea’s workspace and wonders what sort of magical artistic powers might manifest for her if she had a studio of her own. Chelsea hands her a blank canvas and encourages her to find out.
Torn between two lovers – Aiden is over at Ashley’s loft attending to her 911 situation (moving a bureau a few inches over against the wall). She’s bossing him around in a decidedly unromantic manner, and he skips out as soon as he can to “meet somebody.”
Because the phrase “I’ve gotta meet somebody” doesn’t include the words “you” or “Ashley,” it goes right over her head. She doesn’t ask who he’s going to meet or why he’s suddenly being so vague. Or maybe she doesn’t really care. As soon as he exits the room, she pulls a framed photo of Spencer from the drawer and gazes at it longingly. Kyla bursts into Ashley’s room (is she the teen Kramer or what?) and asks “Which one?” Ashley plays dumb, so Kyla lays it out. Which one is Ashley thinking about? Rather than answer the question, Ashley throws her out.
When she paints her masterpiece – Spencer drops in at Chelsea’s studio and is surprised to find Carmen there, tucked behind an oversized canvas. The two haven’t officially met (anonymous flirting doesn’t count), so they take the opportunity to get acquainted. Carmen hints that her vagabond past is due to family and money problems, and then quickly changes the topic to something we rarely hear about: Spencer.
Carmen: So tell me about you. I wanna hear your story. Spencer: Me?! Carmen: You’re the only other person besides me in the room. Spencer: It’s just that I’m usually the one doing the listening.Carmen eyes Spencer knowingly. Yep, this is a girl who has not been treated right, and Carmen is getting that.
Carmen: Well, too bad. You’re talking; I’m listening.Because she’s Spencer, she talks all about her family, not just herself. And she tells Carmen about Clay’s death.
Carmen: I’m really sorry, Spencer. Spencer: It’s OK. It’s actually really nice to be able to talk to someone about this. The person I used to talk to about everything is kinda on her own planet these days. Carmen: Self-absorbed, huh? Sounds like my last girlfriend.What, what, what? That got Spencer’s attention!
Spencer: When you say “girlfriend,” do you mean the kind of girl you get together with to talk about boys? Carmen: No. I mean the kind of girl you get together with to not talk about boys.Meow! The look on Spencer’s face is priceless.
If you could read my mind – With his non-911 safely out of the way, Aiden catches up with College Girl in that damnable dress for a coffee date. As they walk together, they talk about him surviving the shooting and what his life is like now. Like Spencer, he’s not used to being listened to, so her psychology major is coming in handy right about now.
College Girl: So you’re the same guy that you were before the shooting? Aiden: Yup, same guy. No, I take that back. I’m better in every possible way. College Girl: Wow! My professor said that you guys would be stressed and in denial. So I’m glad that you’re not like that.Aiden gets the panicky “Um, am I in denial?” face.
A little somethin’ like this, like this – Across town, Madison is teaching the blog dude how to dance.
Madison: See? You’re a natural. Blog Boy: You’re a good teacher. Madison: I think you’re ready for the L.A. scene. Blog Boy: I think I’m ready for something else.Then they make out. A lot.
Don’t call us, we’ll call you – Spencer stands behind Carmen in the studio and evaluates her painting. She’s clearly impressed with the skill and pathos needed to pull off this gothy little number. The painting looks like a storyboard from an Evanescence video. Or a production still from The Ring.
Spencer: It’s really deep; it’s like this woman is tied up by her own hair. Like she’s bound by her own femininity. Carmen: Wow. I just thought it was me having a bad hair day. But I like your version better.They check out Spencer’s painting of a “big bird with a stupid yellow beak.” Carmen encourages her–really sees her–and Spencer doesn’t quite know what to do with herself. She makes a lame attempt to exit, and Carmen sweetly takes her hand and asks, “Do you really have to go?”
Spencer is bowled over by the subtlety and tenderness of the gesture. It’s been awhile since anyone (i.e., Ashley) treated her that way. But before she can answer, her phone rings. It’s Ashley, who wants her to come over and frolic in her fancy new Jacuzzi. And probably wash her back and administer some WATSU while she’s at it. There was a time (like maybe 15 minutes ago) when Spencer would have dropped everything to be with her. But tonight she tells Ash, “Now’s not a very good time.” Ash launches into a recitation of her own busy social schedule but then hears Carmen’s voice in the background. Spencer unceremoniously hangs up, and Ash gets that “oops, I did it again” look on her face. Yeah, Ash, you blew it.
You can’t do that on television — Across town, things are heating up between Madison and Blog Boy. They’re making out and beginning to undress when Madison sees a tiny little light flickering behind him. Her face morphs like one of the Buffy demons and she says in a near-growl, “Is that a camera?”
His lack of an answer earns him a stinging slap across the face. She goes to check it out. Yep, it’s a camera.
As she begins to storm out, he asks, “Would it have been okay if I’d asked first?” Kapow! She clocks him with her purse, which I hope is full of rocks. “Ow! I’m kidding! I didn’t even know it was on,” he protests lamely.
Madison bets that he says that to all the girls. “What are you, some creepy sex blogger?” she demands.
He makes another pitiful excuse (“my camera must have accidentally turned on when I was checking my email”), but she’s not having it. “I lied to you too,” she says with a snarl. “You can’t dance for crap!”
I love it when Madison plays rough.
Kissing to be clever — Back at Chelsea’s studio, Spencer and Carmen are making out too. (Wow, that was quick. See how great it is once you’re done with all that pesky coming out? Then you can move right into, uh, making out.) Nobody’s clothes are coming off (like with those promiscuous heterosexual kids), but still, it’s kinda hot. Chelsea interrupts them with a saucy, “Well hello, you two.” They act all cute and busted. Aww.
Egoiste! — Aiden shows up at Ashley’s and is greeted with an exasperated, “What are you wearing? We’re already gonna be late!”
Poor Aiden. He doesn’t even know where he’s supposed to be going because Ashley didn’t bother to tell him. I guess she expected him to get that information from her new BFF, Perez, just like everybody else. She’s blabbering about how Lily Allen is going to be at Ego, and how she’s “so hot.”
As Ashley waxes lustful, Aiden notices the picture of Spencer on the bureau next to the picture of him and Ashley. Before he can even have a proper epiphany, Ashley is bossing him around again: “Hand me that clutch”; “Hang that picture”; “Leave your dignity at home”; etc. Then she whines, “Aiden, let’s goooooo!” And Aiden snaps.
Aiden: Do you have any idea what I’ve done for you today? I set up your plasma, I hooked up your surround sound and moved around all your furniture. Ashley: OK! So you don’t want to go tonight. Aiden: No, I don’t want to go tonight. Or any other night. I’m done. I’m done being your handyman; I’m done being your back-up date. I’m done. Ashley: Where is all of this even coming from? Aiden: People got shot, Ashley! People got hurt; people died. You walked away from it, and none of it — none of it even touched you. Ashley: Of course it did. Aiden: Look at you. You’re the same person you were before this happened. You didn’t stay around long enough to see who was standing and who wasn’t. Spencer may have forgiven you, but I haven’t. Ashley: Oh, wait a minute! When Spencer dumped me, you came to me and you knew exactly who I was. Aiden: And that makes it OK? Ashley: OK, I’m sorry! I suck. I’m a terrible person. What more do you want me to say? Aiden: Sorry isn’t good enough.Ashley mumbles that she has to go; people are waiting for her. That just throws some gasoline on Aiden’s fire.
Aiden: Yeah, go. Leave, because that’s what you do best. You leave because you can’t deal. You’re gay when it’s convenient; you’re straight when you want me around. Ashley: It is so not even like that. Aiden: It is like that! Wear your little dress, go to your stupid club, have sex with Lily Allen or whoever else, I don’t care. But do me a favor. Next time you have an emergency, call 911.I think that somewhere across town, a girl in an unfortunate green dress is about to get a phone call.
Next week on South of Nowhere: Spencer’s new girlfriend plays parlor games with the Carlins, then flips her bang-adorned wig.
Want to see scenes from this episode reenacted with an egg and a boxing nun? Check out our new weekly South of Nowhere video blog!
