South of Nowhere: Recaps: Episode 2.9 “Love and War and Love and War”

Gray—The sage blonde barkeep is tallying up Madison's numbers, and something ain't right. She confronts Madison about altering the credit card charges. Just as she drops a Donald on her and tells her, “You're fired,” and Madison protests “You can't fire me!” we cut to Maddy at school the next day, getting the same bad news from her former cheerbitch minion.

Minion: Yeah we can, and we just did. We took a vote.
Madison: You're high. I AM the squad.

Minion tells her that they can't have a thief (ouch!) representing the squad, and then she promptly promotes herself to head cheerbitch.

But wait, there's more.

Kyla appears and Minion pointedly tells her that there's an opening on the squad. Madison walks away and Kyla follows. She knows that Madison gave Aiden an earful about her trip home to see her ex-boyfriend. She tells Madison, “I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but me and Aiden are still friends. You and I aren't!”

King High Quad—Madison tries the “Hey, baby” approach with Aiden, and he's not having it either. He accuses her of purposely ratting Kyla out to him in order to hurt her. Madison tells him in a sultry voice that she wasn't thinking about Kyla when she did it, she was thinking about Aiden.

But this is the new, non-whipped Aiden. The lack of sex has cleared his mind and these girls are not going to play him anymore. He tells her that if she thought her little game was going bring them back together again, “You screwed it!”

You'd think after strike four, Maddy would be down for the count. But this final insult seems to have emboldened her, or maybe orchestrated some sort of psychotic break. She smiles and says to Aiden as he walks away, “All's fair in love and war, baby.”

Oh boy. As Amy Ray once said, don't give that girl a gun.

Paintball—A guy in a uniform announces to the Carlin squadron that they are playing “total elimination” paintball, which means their goal is to “eliminate the entire personnel of the opposing team.”

Everyone is standing stick-straight and in some sort of formation, and a few of them are even sporting camouflage (sadly, no sign of Ashley's camo bikini. I'm sure Spencer is as disappointed as we are). But the “This-Is-A-Good-Day-To-Die-So-I-Might-As-Well-Look-Fierce" Award goes to Mother Superior. She is sporting some kind of wacktastic—yet, strangely sexy—flower child meets Lara Croft with pigtails getup. Jeez, Paula, stay away from the brown acid!

Glen is so hyped up that he's practically peeing his pants. He's gone all Apocalypse Now on us, having rubbed some brown stuff (I really hope that it's shoe polish) all over his face—I'm assuming because the blood of an ox was not readily available.

In fact, Glen looks like a really bad drag king, the kind that uses face powder and a brown crayon instead of fake hair and spirit gum to make a passable “beard.”

The whole effect is just wrong, and I don't think he could salvage it even if he broke into his own bad drag rendition of “Sharp Dressed Man.”

Paula is rightly freaked out by Glen (presumably his gung-ho-ness, and not the bad king thing), and actual hippie Arthur tries to calm her down. He tells her, “It's great for Glen. He's trying in his own Glen way to reconnect with the family.”

Paula snaps, “How? By killing us?”

If loving Paula is wrong, I don't want to be right.

They guy in charge of the paintball place barks at the platoon leaders to assume their positions and Arthur, Glen and Clay scramble to the front of the line. Arthur is giddy with excitement, it's like he's signed up for his first Robert Bly men's retreat and he's feeling positively Neanderthal. He's screaming in a decidedly un-butch manner and flailing about with his “gun,” and Paula chuckles because a.) she thinks he's kinda cute when he pretends to be a guy or b.) she knows she can kick his ass. And she will.

Arthur pressures Glen to pick Paula (“Yay! First picked!”—she's so competitive!), and Arthur picks Ashley (who immediately starts working on him to pick Aiden. And not Spencer? WTF?). Madison sprints onto the field and Clay immediately snaps her up. Sean questions his judgment, but Clay's onto something. He watches her as she scowls at the lot of them and caresses her gun, and tells Sean, “Look at her! She's ready to take everyone out!” Guess Clay really is the brains of the Carlin operation.

Are You Not Entertained?—The games begin, and, as fate would have it, Paula comes face to face with Ashley. She has a clear shot, but hesitates. Ashley whips around and sees what's about to happen, and she gives Paula an indignant “You were going to shoot me, weren't you!?!?!” look. Paula seems just a little ashamed of herself, and Aiden pulls Ashley to safety before Mother Superior can change her mind.

Across the way, Clay has just rejoined his team after a time out incurred when teammate Sean accidentally shot him. Sean and Clay team flub yet another murderous opportunity, and Madison's had it. She shoots them both at point blank range, effectively rendering herself a solo Rambette. Without all of that dead weight to haul around, my money's on Maddy.

Madison then runs into Glen, who stupidly holds fire when she suggests that they “Make love, not war.” Spencer sneaks up on them, but instead of taking out Maddy, she splatters Glen with globs of pink goo. Madison gets the hell out of there, and Spencer taunts Glen “Eat paint, G.I. Jerk!”

I'm getting the distinct feeling that this game is going to boil down to a battle of the Amazons.

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