“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.8 “Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear”


Hospital — Paula tells Chelsea that she passed out while behind the wheel and drove her car into a pole. She assures her that she's fine, and “so is … the baby.”

Yep, Paula knows.

Chelsea starts to cry and sniffs, “I can't believe this has happened. This isn't me.”

Paula: Does Clay know?
Chelsea: Yes, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like there's no way out, you know?
Paula: Yeah, I do. I know how you feel.
Chelsea: How could you?
Paula: I got pregnant before we were married — with Glen.
Chelsea: So what should I do?

Paula tells her that the Catholic, mother and doctor in her all have differing opinions. Great. Thanks for that helpful input, Sybil.

Chelsea has to figure it out on her own, but Mama C. will hold her hand while she does it.

Stinky Gym — Adrienne is spotting Glen as he lifts weights. Kyla walks in to confront Adrienne, who almost does us all a favor by dropping the barbell on the dumbbell.

Kyla: Can I have a minute?
Adrienne: Yeah, if you can spare a minute from texting and calling your boyfriend.
Kyla: You know what? Go to hell! Calling me a bitch and then snubbing me and getting information from Madison? If you want to know about me, how about asking?
Adrienne: Would you have lied to me or would you have told me the truth?
Kyla: Yeah, I lied about why I went to Baltimore, but I never, ever lied about how I felt about you.
Adrienne: You didn't have to! You showed me. You know I'm really feeling stupid that I bought into all your crap, like dancing and Shakespeare.

Glen nearly busts a gut when he hears that one.

Glen: Dude, you're a total chick.
Adrienne: A chick that'll whup your ass! Just shut up!

Adrienne drags her girlfriend away to a more private fighting arena.

Kyla: So you want to know about the new girl? Did I sleep around too much? Yes. And I drank too much and I partied too much and I hurt my mom really bad. I almost got kicked out of school. And if I didn't make a really drastic change, I'm telling you that I would not be here right now!

Finally, some good old-fashioned dyke drama! Now this is what I'm talking about!

Kyla tells Adrienne that she liked the clean slate she got when she moved to Los Angles, and that Adrienne liked her for who she was and not the fact that she could get her into bed.

Adrienne suggests a do-over, that they start again as friends and see how it goes. Kyla tells her that she broke up with the boyfriend while she was home, but Adrienne doesn't budge. She tells her this means that now the really will have a clean slate.

On the Road Again — With the Children of the Night baying relentlessly in the background, the girls arrive at the diner and find it deserted. Ash notices a poster for a missing girl plastered to a window and decides that maybe they should head back to their car. And that's when a creepy, thuggish guy pulls up alongside them.

OMG — I think that it's Vin Diesel! He wants to know if they need a ride. Spencer immediately declines. She saw The Pacifier, and she's not about to hitch a ride on that train.

Vin's steroids kick in, and he gets violent. Either Spencer or Ashley uses her special genie powers to miraculously open the diner door, and they run inside and hide as Vin bangs on the windows and grunts at them. Spencer calls Arthur for help and gives him some half-assed directions to their location (“We're in some diner off of some road …”).

Hospital — Clay and Chelsea make up, and he doesn't even seem scared that Mama Carlin knows that he got his girlfriend pregnant. So much for the efficacy of that church-approved abstinence crap, Mother Superior.

Deserted Diner — The banging on the door continues, but this time it's Arthur. The girls run out to him, and he embraces Spencer. Before she can start making excuses, he apologizes to her. (Remember, he's had a lot of practice thanks to living with Mother Superior.)

He tells Spencer, “I'm sorry that you felt like your home was a place where you couldn't be yourself, a place you had to get away from. That stops right now. I'm gonna protect you — both of you — the best way I can. But running away isn't the answer. I raised a fighter, I'll be damned if I'm going to let you prove me wrong.”

Then poor little dadless Ashley leaps into his arms and says, “You're the best girlfriend's dad I ever had!”


The End of the Road — The girls are discussing their Starlite Motel keepsake (no, not bedbugs, the Do Not Disturb sign). Spencer wonders if they ever will have any privacy “now that we're out to everyone.”

Who are they, Ellen and Portia ducking the paparazzi?

Ashley: Your dad's cool, I just wish your mom could be. Spencer: Yeah, she's not gonna like it, but she's just gonna have to accept it.
Ashley: What?
Spencer: That I love you.

Spencer gives Ash a big old BFF hug as Mama Carlin opens the front door and steps outside the house to eyeball them.

More hugs? Cripes. Well, at least they didn't drive off a cliff.

Spencer tells Ash, “Well, you gotta check out sometime,” and then exits the car to hug Paula. Ashley watches from the car, and Mama C. even makes an effort by hesitantly waving in Ashley's general direction.

Next Week — The Carlins spend some quality time together as a family. Because this includes a friendly game of paintball, Paula is armed and dangerous. And that's hot.

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