“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.8 “Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear”

Highway to Hell — The girls have checked out of their seedy love den and are hauling ass down a deserted stretch of road. They are busy gloating over their freedom when a tumbleweed tumbles in front of the car, causing Ashley to lose control.

Hospital — A paramedic tells Paula that the patient they're wheeling in was unconscious when they found her. Paula takes a look at the girl in question and gasps …

King High — Clay is freaking out because he can't find Chelsea, and he's worried that she may have gone to the clinic to get an abortion without him. As usual, Sean is there to give him sound advice.

Clay: This whole thing's torn us apart. We don't even know what to say to each other anymore. It's like I can't even find the words.

When he tells Sean that he loves Chelsea regardless of their pregnancy drama, Sean sweetly tells him, “It sounds like you found the words.”

I love Sean. In fact, I demand more Sean! And while I'm at it, I demand more Chelsea too! Oh yeah, and some romance between Ash and Spencer wouldn't hurt either.

Stinky Gym — Adrienne is beating the crap out of a punching bag. She's probably picturing her two-timing girlfriend's face in the center of it.

Arthur and Glen enter, and Arthur is still fretting over not having heard from Spencer.

Glen the Genius assures him, “You guys don't know where we are half the time anyway. After you and Mom go to sleep we sneak out all the time — oh … I mean, not me, but …”

Arthur has had enough of the talking monkey and sets out to find Adrienne. When he finds her, he asks if she's heard from Spencer or Ashley. Adrienne lies (badly), and Arthur breaks it down for her.

Arthur: I know you're being a good friend by not telling me where they are. But a better friend would want to make sure they're safe.
Adrienne: They're safe.
Arthur: You'd better hope so. Because if anything happens to my little girl, it's on you.

Arthur means business these days. If he's willing to take on Tigress Carlin, he won't hesitate to mop up the gym floor with some pumped-up little dyke like Adrienne.

But Adrienne doesn't break and instead returns to pounding her rage-catcher. Arthur slyly swipes her cell phone, which impresses — and kind of scares — his dipshit son.

Arthur dials up the Starlite Motel and thus joins the ranks of bounty hunters everywhere.

Hospital — Paula calls Clay to tell him that Chelsea (the mystery patient and gasp-eliciter) was in a minor car accident but that she's OK. Chelsea has a hellacious bruise on her head and seems to be muttering to herself in a state of delirium. Perhaps Paula wouldn't think it was a “major” injury unless she had to install a shunt in Chelsea's noodle.

Paula would make a good battlefield doctor. Clearly, she could heal or she could kill — whichever was needed.

The Open Road — Ash's car is sporting a flat (I think it was a rare thorny tumbleweed) and she's indignant that no one is stopping to help “two hot girls.”

Spencer lightens the mood by blurting out, “I'm telling you Ashley, the hills have eyes. They probably think we're a decoy for some inbred psycho with a chainsaw for a hand.”

When Spencer learns that Ash has chucked the spare in favor of beach equipment, she insists that they start walking for help. “I think I remember a diner somewhere up the road from where we got lost.”

Ashley playfully pokes Spencer's nonexistent gut and tells her, “Good, you can work off some of that junk food.”

Spencer responds by hip-checking her, which is second only to hair-brushing in the realm of hot pseudo-lesbian sex.

Spencer and Ashley are taking their sweet time walking to civilization. Spencer is insisting on finding the bright side. “At least we're working on our tans!”

Ashley: Yeah, I just hope coyotes don't like dark meat.
Spencer: That is so not funny!
Ashley: Do you see me laughing? I just want to go back there and have someone fix our tire so we can be back on the road.
Spencer: And go where? We don't even know where we're going.
Ashley: That didn't bother you before …

Um, are we still talking about the road trip? Ashley wonders too. She whips off her glamorous shades and asks the inevitable question.

Ashley: Spencer, you regret coming with me, don't you?
Spencer: Ash, I don't regret coming out here with you. I just wish that we running to something rather than away from something.
Ashley: The Stereophonics have a song where they say, “You have to go there to get back.”
Spencer: What do the Stereophonics say about changing a tire?

Ashley doesn't know, and neither do I. I know what Chrissie Hynde said about changing tires, but I don't think she was talking about car maintenance.

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