“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.8 “Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear”

King High — Aiden is brooding over a sports magazine, and I doubt he's reading the articles.

By the way, I want to try something new. I'm really missing the bigger gay vibe of the first season of South of Nowhere, so I'm taking matters into my own hands. And no, I'm not making a sexy SON YouTube video.

I'm going to pretend that Aiden is a really butch lesbian and interpret the show from that perspective this week. Then everything will seem gayer, and his behavior with girls will probably make a lot more sense.

So just for today, he's "Adrienne" to me.

Kyla approaches her (Adrienne) and wants to know why she didn't pick her up at the airport or return any of her phone calls. Did she forget?

Adrienne: Maybe you should get a ride from your boyfriend.

Oh my God, this is already working. I think I've actually uttered those exact words before!

Kyla: Yeah, that's what I thought I was doing.
Adrienne: No, I mean your boyfriend back home. I guess the commute from Baltimore would be a real bitch. But it won't be the only one …

Nice passive-aggressive jab there, Adrienne. You are such a girl!

Motel Hell — The girls are standing outside of a motel and debating what to do with themselves.

Spencer takes the direct approach. “You know, we could always rent a room. You do have a credit card.”

And so it begins. I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger …

Ashley is thinking beyond the plastic. “Who's going to rent a room to two 17-year-olds? Not only that, but if you use a credit card, you might as well call your parents and tell them exactly where we're at.” She's right, and it's proof that I'm not the only one surviving on a constant drip of Law and Order reruns.

She adds, “Besides, we only need the room for less than a night.”

I'm not sure if she's talking about an hourly rate or what, but she tosses her jacket in the doorway of one of the rooms as a maid is exiting, conveniently jamming it open.

The girls grab their bags and scurry inside. Ashley teases, “Did you ask for the honeymoon suite?” as Spencer follows her in, and mischievously hangs the Do Not Disturb tag on the door.

Once inside, they do what any hotblooded runaway teen lovers would do. They jump on the bed and squeal like 12-year-olds.

What the hell?

Spencer looks around the sleazy-ish, mirrored room and says semi-seductively, “Mirrors, oooh …”

And Ashley inexplicably changes the subject to food.

Ashley: OK, I'll bet this place does not have room service, but I'm sure we can find a $5 candy bar.
Spencer: I am not paying $5 for a freakin' candy bar.

Of course not. That's what your girlfriend's credit card is for.

The girls check out the gas-station food on display in the room, and Spencer enthusiastically embraces it.

Yes, she passionately embraces a wire rack of generic Cheetos instead of Ashley. This bums me out.

Then we cut away to the exterior of the motel. What exactly is she doing in there with those Cheetos that necessitated cutting away?

Then we cut back to the interior of their room again. Ashley is walking out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, and Spencer has discovered Pay Per View, only “minus the pay part.”

Does the towel indicate that there really was a need to cut away? I dunno. Spencer doesn't seem to have bed-head. Maybe Ashley just needed a shower.

The noticeably unrumpled Spencer is enjoying her little crime spree, and I admit that I am, too. I kinda like her as an outlaw. But Ashley isn't happy with the horror movie that they aren't paying for.

Ashley: Could we please watch something that actually involves skin?

Hell to the yes. Thank you, Ash!

Spencer: This has skin. I mean, they're peeling it off the chick, but …

She looks at Ash and checks to see if she can capitalize on the fear factor, like Ashley did with her on their terrifying after-hours trip to the petting zoo.

Ashley scrunches up her face at the TV and says, “That's disgusting.”

Undeterred, Spencer takes the upper hand and tells Ashley to relax. Then instead of planting one on her or pushing her back on the bed, she begins brushing Ashley's hair.

Spencer says dreamily, “I wish we could stay here forever.”

Then they would never, ever, ever have to stop hugging junk food or brushing each other's hair.

Ashley reminds Spencer that they have to keep moving, then realizes that she hasn't yet called Adrienne to tell her that they're OK.

Cut to Adrienne, who sees that she's getting a call from the Starlite Motel. She smiles conspiratorially as she answers the phone. After all, sisterhood is powerful.

Adrienne: Well at least I know you're not calling me from jail, Ashley.

Adrienne tells Ash that the Carlins are worried about them. She adds, “And they're not the only ones. You said you were gonna call me from the road.”

Ashley: Yeah, yeah. Take it out of my allowance, Mom.

Adrienne ignores a call from Kyla and asks if the girls are at least being “safe.”

Ashley: You're so adorable when you're being protective.
Adrienne: Fine. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Ashley: Oh, I already did. Twice.

I'm not buying it.

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