The Ferengi Hutâ€”The De-Gayer is trying to give Spencer the â€œbig picture.â€ Does she really want to be a big ugly man-hating lesbian for the rest of her life, or what?
That's when Arthur, Glen, and Clay roll in and Arthur starts kicking ass and taking names.
Arthur: Who's this?
De-Gayer: My name is Crawford Taylor and I specialize in reparative sexual therapy.
Arthur: Get out of my house!
Mother Superior tries to push Arthur around, as usual, but this time she's gone one toke over the line.
Arthur: You invite this person into our home without even telling me? Are you completely out of your mind? Spencer, you don't have to sit through this anymore.
Paula: Arthur, she was finally considering what her life wouldâ€”
Arthur: You want her to do therapy? Fine. But it's all of us. In an office at an appointed time that we all know about.
De-Gayer: Can I say just one thing?
Arthur: That is one thing! Now leave my house before I throw you out.
A few minutes later, there's a knock at the door and Arthur assumes it's the De-Gayer daring to come back and taste his wrath.
But it's not. It's just Clay's birth mom.
Clay's birth mom!?!?!
Yes, Clay's whackanoodle mother has dropped by to say hidee ho. Even though her timing is lousy, Clay takes a risk and confides in her about the Chelsea situationâ€”â€˜cause, you know, she has some experience in this department. She flips her wig at first, but then she softens up. And then Mr. Man (aka The new Arthur) invites her to stay for dinner.
She'd better say yes, or he might just kick her ass too.
Desperation Alleyâ€”In the kitchen, Paula is trying to worm her way back into Spencer's heart. And, you know, still convince her to be straight.
Paula: Do you remember when you were six and we went to the county fair and that little boy took your cotton candy and rubbed it in your hair?
I'm already getting misty.
Paula: And you started crying and you said â€œwhy is that boy being so mean to me?â€ And I told you â€œBecause he likes you.â€ I miss that little girl.
Yeah, I could see how she would. The little girl that bought into Paula's lame-ass romanticizing of patriarchal b.s. is so preferable to the newly queer teen with the hot(head) girlfriend.
Paula: I'm just afraid that all the dreams I had for you–
Like the dream of Spencer finding a nice guy who shows affection by roughing her upâ€¦
Paula: A wedding, kids, family vacations with usâ€”that will all just disappear.
Spencer: Your dreams for me? What about my dreams?
Paula: I just want what's best for you.
Spencer: Fine! It's Ashley.
Paula: Spencer, you're 16! You have no idea what it's like for people who make that choice. And I have no idea if it's a life I can be a part of.
And on that note, Spencer heads back up to her tower.
Spencer's Roomâ€”Spencer hears a noise at her window, and when she opens it she sees Ashley and Aiden standing below. Aiden is holding a ladder (he's good for heavy lifting) and Ashley is holding a sign that reads, â€œWe're running away!â€
The girls race away in Ashley's 8-cylinder carriage, whereâ€”I hopeâ€”they'll finally have some privacy.
Next Weekâ€”The Spashley honeymoon takes a frightening turn when a sinister-looking tumbleweed appears to flatten Ashley's tire out in the middle of nowhere. Then the girls take refuge in a dumpy abandoned trailer. Maybe you never promised Spencer a rose garden Ash, but this is ridiculous!