Knocking On Heaven's Doorâ€”Continuing her ballsalicious bender from last week, Ashley pounds on Spencer's front door and practically pushes Mother Superior out of the way to get in.
Ashley: I want to see Spencer.
Paula: Well I'm afraid that's not going to happen.
Ashley: Really? Spencer!
She calls out to Spence as she barges through the door, but Paula shoves her back out again.
Paula: You are not welcome in my home, so just go.
Ashley: Don't you want her to be happy? Doesn't she deserve that?
No, not so much. Paula tries to shove her out again and Ashley shoves right back.
Ashley: I am not leaving. I will stay out here all night and day if I have to, but I'm not going anywhere.
Paula: Great! Then I'll just have you arrested.
Spencer finally gets off her ass and comes to the door. Maybe it was the mention of Ashley in handcuffs?
Ashley: Spencer, please, let's just leave.
Paula: Spencer, You are not going anywhere
Spencer: Mom, stop it!
Ashley: You can try to keep her away from me, but you cannot keep me away from her, Paula.
Paula: Watch me. (Then, to brainwash dude who arrives at the door) Hello!
Creepy brainwash guy introduces himself as Crawford Taylor and tells Spencer, â€œI'm here to get you through this.â€
Spencer looks confused. Maybe she thinks he's there to cart Paula off for some anti-bitch reparative therapy.
He tells Spencer, â€œWe'll get you back to a normal lifestyle.â€ Spencer sputters, â€œWhat?â€ while Paula gloats and Ashley's head nearly explodes.
Paula swings around and says, â€œGoodbye Ashleyâ€ before unceremoniously shoving her off the doorstep and slamming the door in her face.
Hey, couldn't that technically be considered assault? Or child abuse? Or lesbian abuse?
The homophobes and Spencer all sit down for tea and creepy man tells her, â€œThis is probably the worst day of your life.â€
He looks vaguely familiar.
Spencer: Oh I don't know. The other night sucked too when mom walked in.
De-Gayer: I have a lot of experience in this area, and I've helped a lot of people with your condition.
Spencer: What condition? Being in love with a girl or having a mother who can't accept that?
Paula: Spencer, I just want you to have the best life that you can.
De-Gayer: Your mother was crying when she called me on the phone.
Because the pain and humiliation you felt when your privacy was invaded and you were told you were disgusting by your own mother was really hard for her too!
De-Gayer: Your mother does love you. She just doesn't understand your choice.
Spencer: Love? Love is unconditional, it's not something you feel someone only when they act like you want them to.
De-Gayer: True. And is your love for Ashley unconditional?
Paula sighs and rolls her eyes. Because she's a master communmicator.
Back at Detoxâ€”A hip and sassy counselor is doing Glen's intake as Arthur looks on. They discuss what kind of drugs Glen is â€œturned onâ€ by. His answers tell her that this is Glen's first time with an addiction.
Maybe this mean's it's a fluke and now he can just be normal again!
Straightsvilleâ€”The De-Gayer wants to know if Ashley is Spencer's first girlfriend, and Spencer says that she is.
Maybe this means it's a fluke and now she can just be normal again!
De-Gayer: You mean when you first moved out here?
Spencer: What are you getting at?
De-Gayer: Paula, you moved out here for a job, right?
Paula: That's right. I'm an emergency room surgeon at county.
De-Gayer: Late days, long nights. More hectic than it was in Ohio.
Paula: I admit that I've been a bit absent.
Spencer: A bit?!?!
Then De-Gayer spins his creepy theory about what makes a girl (temporarily) gay.
You've heard of an Oedipus complex, and of course there's the Electra complex. But what do you call it when a girl just wants to get with her own mother? Aside from â€œdisturbing,â€ I have no idea. Maybe a Wynonna complex?
(Please don't send me hate mail over that Wynonna thing. Even Wynonna knows that I'm kidding.)
But the De-Gayer is delighted to go on about this freaky theory.
De-Gayer: You know, a lot of girls, when they feel their mothers have abandoned them or put them on the back burner, they turn to another girl for that maternal support.
Spencer: Maternal? (snorts) You SO don't know Ashley.
Can I get an amen?
Paula: You're saying this is my fault?
Oh HELL no. No excuse for bigotry that includes anything being Paula's fault is going to fly with her. And De-Gayer better get out while the gettin' is good because Mother Superior is a badass. (Which makes me wonder if maybe her own mother once put her on the back burner.)
De-Gayer: Experience shows us that it's more layered than we can imagine.
Paula: Spencer, if you're doing this to get back at meâ€”
Um, no. He was suggesting that she was doing it because she couldn't get AT you.
Spencer: Mom! Why can't you just accept that this is who I am?
Paula: Because who you are is not acceptable!
It's going to be tough to come back from that one.
So the De-Gayer â€œhelpsâ€ by adding, "Ashley is a predator who exploited your emotions when you were at your most vulnerable.â€
Spencer keeps the Judds vibe going by adding, â€œYeah, kinda like what my mom is doing now!â€
I hope that love really can build a bridge, because this is getting bad.
Grey â€“ Aiden is knocking back some fruit punch after getting more clueless text messages from Kyla. She doesn't know that Madison has been working her evil magic on Aiden while Kyla's been away. Ashley joins him at the bar to deliver the bad news.
Ashley: It's over.
Aiden: What happened?
Ashley: Her mom woudn't let her out of the house. I went over there and some brain-washer she hired showed up to â€œstraighten her out.â€
Aiden: Are you kidding me?
Ashley: I need her.
Aiden: Look, Spencer loves you and nobody can change that. Her mom's just freaking out. Give it some time, she'll calm down.
Ashley: God–you can be so stupid sometimes!
Aiden: What do you want me to say, Ashley? That you should kidnap her?
Ashley: Godâ€”you can be so smart sometimes!