The Scene of the Crime—This week's episode opens with another look at the tragic lesbos-interruptus scene that jarred our queer psyches just a few days ago.
This time, we get some fresh angles–like a quick close up of Spencer almost kissing Ashley. Then it's more of the same drama. Mama Carlin is casting lesbi-Satan from her home as Spencer runs after them both screaming, “I love her!”
Squishy Dad is beside himself trying to contain all of these crazy women at once. He tells Spencer that it's all going to be okay, but she knows better. She screams “No it's not, I just want to be with her!” The Defiant One comes back for one last embrace with Spencer before Paula exorcizes her completely. Then, as if that's not enough, Paula turns to poor little wrecked Spencer and hisses, “You disgust me!”
And we all know that the only reasonable response to that crap is, “I hate you!” So that's just what Spencer says.
The Breakfast Table—Because he's only committed a felony and not a Crime Against Nature, Glen is being lovingly encouraged to eat a normal breakfast rather than his daily regimen of pain pills. He's whining about how the smell of the food is enough to make him puke, then Paula comes in. Uh oh. She might grab him by his hair and tell him how his junkie bullshit disgusts her.
Whoops. Wrong kid.
Instead, she just tells him, “Sweetie, the withdrawal effects will go away within a couple of days…As the dopamine levels balance out, don't be surprised if you feel really depressed over the next couple of days.”
Mama's boy is getting the royal treatment, and even Arthur tells him to come home from school if he needs to. Everyone is hugging on Glen when Spencer comes into the room. She is clearly suffering from Ashley-withdrawal, and her dopamine levels are dangerously low as well.
And they take another hit when Paula tells Spencer that she's keeping her home from school.
In unison, Arthur and Spencer respond to this statement with a neck-snapping, “What?!”
Paula: I don't want you seeing Ashley, which means until we figure this all out you're staying home from school.
Arthur: Yes she is.
Paula: No she's not. And I'm not going to work either.
Paula looks over at her slack-jawed sons and barks, “You two, go!”
Jesus she's scary!
Arthur: Why are you doing this?
Paula: Because I love you Spencer and you're sick.
Spencer: I'm sick? Mom, Glen was so addicted to pain killers that he wound up in jail, and I'm the one who has to get better?
Arthur pulls on his big boy pants and tells Spencer to wait while he talks to Paula.
Arthur: Why are you doing this, Paula?
Paula: I'm trying to help our daughter.
Arthur: Well, you're pushing her away and we're gonna lose her.
Paula: Oh open your eyes Arthur! We already have.
Does anyone ever win an argument with her?
Smelly Gym—Across town, Madison's Million Dollar Baby is taking his aggressions out on a defenseless punching bag. Madison asks if he's imagining the bag is Kyla. No, Maddy, the bitch slap is your thing. Aiden's just cheering himself up with an adrenaline rush and the comfort pretty boys like him get from body sculpting.
Madison pretends that she didn't mean to start the whole Aiden/Kyla shit-storm, but Aiden doesn't care.
Aiden: I learned my lesson. I'm done.
Madison: With what?
I missed the next couple of lines because they were drowned out by the spontaneous, collective shriek of delight that rumbled over the hill from West Hollywood. I think every gay bar in town just announced a new Aiden-related drink special.
I have the good sense to back up and listen again. While the boys in WeHo are clinking glasses, Aiden tells her, "I'm going straight for women. They know what they want, they don't play games, and did I mention MILF is my new favorite four-letter word?”
Aiden's first stop? My guess is Chez Paula.
But he'd better not tell Ashley, who is suddenly standing right behind him. She wrestles Aiden away from Madison's desperate clutches in order to fill him in on her big dyke drama.
Ashley: Spencer's mom walked in on us.
This is the part where Aiden would usually say, “That's hot.”
But he doesn't.
Ashley: She kicked me out of the house and now Spencer isn't even answering her cel. Why does this hurt so much?”
Aiden: I don't know. But I do know something that might help.
He picks up a punching pad and tells her, “Pretend this is Paula.”
Ashley wails on it without much prompting, and when Aiden tries to get her to lighten up, she snarls, “It's either you or the bag, so put it back!”
And again he resists the urge to coo, “That's hot.”