“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.6 “Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are”


Carlin Home, Sans ‘Rents—Spencer, Ashley, Clay and Chelsea are preparing a sit-down dinner when Glen comes into the dining room. Spencer actually bars him from dining with them, so he shrugs it off and leaves to buy drugs.

Throughout the evening, Clay tries to find any opportunity he can to compliment, encourage, and generally smother Chelsea. He loves the meal she made, he wants to clean up the kitchen, he’ll go pee for her so she doesn’t have to get up. It is driving Chelsea up the wall and she is rolling her eyes at him like they’ve been married and hating each other for years. (Oh the dangers of heterosexual love.)

Abandoned Lot—Glen is scoring some drugs from a menacing looking guy in a grubby hoodie. If Glen seems like the badass (dumbass?) of the Carlin clan at home, he comes off like a Boy Scout when he’s hanging out with truly dangerous people. He even tries to explain his knee surgery and how it’s brought him here to buy drugs. But The Pusherman doesn’t care. Just as Glen says, “this will be my last round” the fuzz roll in and bust them both.

Animal House—Madison and Aiden are the first to show up for the party that Glen wasn’t supposed to have, and they’re followed by fifty or so people who look like folks Glen may have met at various abandoned lots across Los Angeles.

San Diego—Paula and Arthur are getting hot and bothered at an art gallery when Glen calls from jail. Paula revs up her turbo broom and flies back to Los Angeles with Arthur at warp speed.

LA County Lockdown—Glen, still wearing his sad clown makeup, takes the walk of shame past all the other criminals. Some scary looking dudes whistle at him, and his cell mate actually checks out his ass when the cops throw him in and lock the door behind him!

Delta House—Spencer is trying to evict the drunken teenagers who have invaded and trashed her house, and Ashley isn’t helping. She and Aiden have donned plastic cups and are using them as boxing gloves as they reenact scenes from Girlfight. Earth to Ashely—your girlfriend’s parents are out of town. You are spending the night with her. Maybe you could save the Michele Rodriguez act until after you’ve gotten laid?

Later, Aiden is doing a room check and finds Madison scouring Kyla’s MySpace profile. She makes sure that he sees that Kyla’s first love, “Rick” has sent her a ton of messages. But that’s not enough. Madison tells Aiden that Kyla had sex with Rick before she became a "born again virgin", and has now gone back home to see him. Aiden is crushed because, for some reason, he isn’t taking into consideration the source of all of this hot gossip. Instead, he buys it and leaves with Madison.

Paula, Arthur and their convict son return home later that night, and Glen is nervous that they’re going to walk in and find the wreckage of the party he “hosted”. But he’s shocked to find the place immaculate, and the suspicious, confused look on his face is priceless.

Paula heads upstairs to survey her kingdom. She looks in on Clay and finds nothing awry, but when she opens Spencer’s door, she gets an eyeful.

Which is more than I can say for the rest of us.

I fatigued my TiVo remote trying to slow down the scene to a frame by frame shot of what exactly unfolds after Paula opens the door. It looks like Spencer and Ashley are kneeling on the bed in various states of undress, and Ashley hops up and into her clothes as Spencer pulls on a pink (naturally) robe.

Paula is freaking, yet remains lucid enough to string together a coherent sentence.

Paula: Spencer, get Ashley to leave.
Ashley: I can hear you, Paula!

You’ve got to love a girl that gets walked in on by her girlfriend’s mother and still has the wherewithal to flip said mother some ‘tude as she’s scrambling to get back into her clothes. Jon Stewart would call this behavior “ballsalicious.” And I would concur.

Paula: Tell her to leave!
Ashley (to Spencer): Do you want me to leave?
Spencer: No!
Paula: Get out of my house!

In slow motion we see Paula tearing Ashley from Spencer’s arms and dragging her out by her hair. All the while, Kyla (I guess Dame Judi Dench was busy with the new Bond movie) is intoning the famous closing lines from Romeo and Juliet, but with a modern spin.

Kyla (voiceover): Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, some punished. Never was a story of more regret than this of Juliet and her fair Juliet.

I don’t know about you, but I was hoping we’d see a little more love since we had to endure all of that hate.

If you’re like me and still feeling that you didn’t get your weekly recommended allowance of Spashley, I strongly suggest you go over to The N and watch the webisode "Alone Together." Unlike other webisodes, which seem to require the presence of Aiden and an undercurrent of latent heterosexuality, this one is all Spashley all the time and is even a little racy!

While you’re there, watch the sneak peek scene from next week’s episode "That’s the Way the World Crumbles." Not only will you see what happened after Paula went all Mommie Dearest on Ash, but you’ll also get a better look at what Spencer and Ashley were doing when she so rudely interrupted them.

And no, they weren’t doing each other’s hair.

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