“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.6 “Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are”

Hell’s Kitchen—Arthur is packing up some stuff for his trip to San Diego. Paula can’t join him, but she assures him that she will feed the children while he’s gone (after she chains them up in the basement). I don’t know who slipped who what, but these two are acting like total lovebirds. They even have to rein themselves in when Clay walks into the room.

Clay is doing a zombie walk of his own, but his is of the “I was a teenage daddy” variety. After he leaves for school, Arthur asks Paula if she thinks that Clay and Chelsea are doing alright. Paula snorts, “You’re asking me? Nobody tells me anything.”

Arthur tries to spin it like it’s not because Paula’s a raving bitch, but because “teenagers don’t confide in their parents.” Spencer passes through the room as he says this and adds, “Why should we when you can just read our journals or email?”

Paula wants to know what Spencer’s plans are for the weekend, or at least she THINKS she wants to know. I don’t think she can handle the harsh reality of all the hot and heavy girl-on-girl hair braiding that’s going on right under her nose! But Spencer tells her, "Mom, please. No blind dates, no surprise friends from back home. I just want some time alone."

After Spencer heads out for school, Paula tells Arthur, “She makes it sound like I’m torturing her.” Arthur says, “Well maybe it feels that way.” And he should know. If anyone has felt the sting of Mother Superior’s lash, it’s her whipping boy husband.

King High—Clay is fussing over Chelsea, and when he asks how she’s doing, she snaps “Still pregnant, thanks.” This unplanned teen pregnancy does not suit the normally sunny Chelsea. Now she’s just like all those other bitchy girls at King High. But with morning sickness.

Strange and Unfamilar Surrounding—I’m a little disoriented by this setting. Is this a…classroom? Spencer and Ashley are sitting in a classroom? This is a brand new phenomenon. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen them anywhere near a teacher or a blackboard. This is totally screwing with my denial around the fact that these two are high schoolers and I’m building my pathetic adult life around their impossibly glamorous teen world. I feel a little…dirty.

Luckily, they aren’t engaged in any learning (that would be REALLY weird for me), they are talking about Spencer’s problem with the closet, and they just happen to be doing it while sitting in those odd little desks.

Spencer tells Ashley, "I want to tell my dad first. Maybe he can help me break it to Mom."

Ashley doesn’t look so sure. It’s definitely in her best interest if Spencer just gets it over with and comes out, but Ash knows that Paula is probably going to come at her like a spider monkey when the moment arrives.

Spencer: I’ll tell him before he leaves town. God, they’re probably both going to hate me no matter what.
Ashley: It’s possible, look at my mom.
Spencer: I know, but you’re so worth that risk.

Bat bat go Spencer’s lashes, and Ashley suddenly has an idea.

Ashley: Okay, practice on me. I’m Paula, it’s a Sunday dinner, you see your opening and…
Spencer: Mom, I have something to tell you. Ashley and I are…in love.
Ashley/Paula: You guys are both gonna burn in hell. Would you pass the potatoes please?

Yes it’s hilarious, but if these two are going to engage in some role play, couldn’t they have done it a little sexier? Like playing Willow and Tara, or Shane and Carmen? Hell, at this point I’d take Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan. At least that would entail some physical contact!

Across Town In A Non-Classroom Environment–Kyla and Madison have skipped 6th period to go shopping and are traipsing about town with iced lattes in hand. I guess I’m as whipped as Aiden/Romeo, but I’ve missed Madison this season. She always brings some sizzle, and I prefer her in the foreground. And it’s nice to see her wearing something other than a cheerleading uniform.

Kyla takes a call from the mystery text guy, and it looks like it’s not Dr. Ben after all, but an age-appropriate boy she used to date back in Baltimore. Madison pretends to be window shopping but really she’s eavesdropping on their conversation. She presses Kyla for answers about the guy on the other line, and Kyla just offers it right up!

Could it be that Madison’s considerable powers of persuasion are just as effective on women as men? If that’s the case, think of where a spinoff show about her could go! Logo, are you listening?

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