It’s not exactly a news flash when I remind you that this is a Very Special Episode of South of Nowhere. Yes, I know that all episodes of SON are inherently special, you obsessive freaks, but this one’s a doozy. So strap yourselves in and remember that you’re going to have to sit throught a lot of Kyla/Aiden, Arthur/Paula, Clay/Chelsea, and Glen/Demerol
drama in order to get to Spencer’s big gay moment of truth. That–and not Spencer and Ashely’s LA teen couture–is why they call the show an "ensemble" drama.
Kyla’s Dressing Room—Aiden and Kyla are in her bedroom running lines from Romeo and Juliet. At least I hope that’s what they’re doing. We don’t need another ounce of couple drama on this show this week, so can you two please just work it out, whatever it is?
Kyla is throwing diva tantrums as if she’s already a professional actress, and Aiden understandably requests a break. Kyla flips and goes all Faye Dunaway on him, then flips back to the "normal" setting and tells him that he makes a cute Romeo. Aiden proclaims that Romeo is “whipped” (so he’s clearly been doing some method acting). As Kyla exhorts all the ways in which Romeo is not “whipped” she gets a mysterious and romantic text message from someone, and lies about it to Aiden.
Maybe text-happy Dr. Ben has found a way to get over Paula?
Kyla tells Aiden that she’s going home for the weekend to visit her mom. He says that it’s cool, but the look on his face says otherwise– probably becaues he’s a big girl and his intuition is telling him something he doesn’t want to hear. (He should read my book on denial.)
Then they share a long passionate kiss, with a close up on Aiden’s hands as they travel down to the small of Kyla’s back.
International House of Lesbianism—Ashley and Spencer are also mid-clinch. Sort of. Ashley is hovering over Spencer and tenderly pushing her hair aside, ostensibly so she can plant one on her. Only instead, Ashley just keeps… grooming her. They do this for a few seconds before Kyla mercifully bursts into the room and thereby saves us from having to watch Ashley give Spencer a facial.
Ashley completes a flawless dismount off of Spencer (I give it a 9.8) and Kyla is embarrassed that she has walked in on them, and Aiden just hovers in the doorway in a near catatonic state. He tells them, “Don’t mind me. Just go along with what you are doing.” You know, because lesbian hair styling is the new lesbian sex. Kyla leaves and yanks him out of the room with her, and the girls are finally alone again.
Ashley: He’s so pathetic.
Spencer: No, he just thinks we’re hot together. And he’s right.
Ashley: Do NOT encourage him.
A phone call from Spencer’s mom interrupts another non-kissing moment. As Spencer concocts a plausible lie about where she is and who she’s with, scallywag Ashley lets her fingers do the walking across Spencer’s thighs.
I think I might have to stop and smoke a cigarette. This may be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen these two do!
Spencer pushes Ashley away and gives her the “Stop trying to feel me up, I’m on the phone with my mother!” look. When Spencer hangs up, Ashley is impressed with her honey’s new bad girl ways.
Ashley: You lied?!?! I like it.
Spencer: I don’t. I just feel so terrible lying to my parents. And I hate lying about us. It really hurts.
Ashley: So tell them. There’s never going to be a good time to do it. Just expect hell, because once you tell them and they know for sure, they’re probably going to want to send you to some gay detox camp.
Spencer: You’re kidding, right?
Ashley: I wish I were.
Spencer: They have those places? God! Why does everyone care so much about who I’m in love with?
Ashley: Or who I’m in love with.
Gads! Ashley said the L Word. Speaking of The L Word, remember a similar moment at the end of season two when lothario Shane told Carmen that she loved her? And remember all the good stuff that naturally came before and after that moment?
Yeah, that doesn’t happen here. Instead, Ashley gets up and walks away as Spencer smiles.
Glen’s Room—Glen is stumbling around in his room, tearing it apart looking for his pill stash. Either he has gone full tilt junkie or someone at the MAC counter got a little ambitious when giving him smoky eyes. When he picks up his cel and makes a call, I half expect him to drone, “I want to eat your brain” into the phone.
But he doesn’t. Instead he just sets up a drug deal. Because he’d rather eat his own brain.