“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.5 “That Is So Not Mom”


The Heart-to-Heart Section of the Carlin Home— Paula, Arthur and Clay are sitting down for a rational discussion of the birth mother news.

Clay: You’re not mad?
Arthur: Why would we be mad?
Paula: Honey, she’s your mom. It’s only natural that you’d want to meet her.

Clay: You’re my mom. I just don’t want you to think that I’m trying to replace you.

They tell him that they love and support him no matter how he decides to handle the situation. Unless, of course, he decides to handle it in any gay sort of way. Then all bets are off—at least for Paula.

Spencer’s Bedroom— Deb, Spencer and Ashley are sitting on Spencer’s bed as they flip through the yearbook from Spencer’s old high school. Or should I say the OLD Spencer’s high school. Old Spencer is running this shriek fest, and the New and Improved Spencer who likes cutting class and kissing girls is nowhere to be found.

The squealing blondes reminisce about their cheerleading squad and Ashley’s “Oh My God—Awesome!” snark is totally lost on them. They even start to—gasp—fuss over boys.

Paula comes in to deliver some wholesome snacks to these two wholesome girls—and Ashley—then says, “It’s gonna be a little crowded in here tonight, isn’t it?”

Ashley takes the hint and stands up to leave, and Paula doesn’t stop her. Spencer begs her to stay but it’s obvious that Ashley is through with both of them. She politely says goodbye to Deb, who blows her off AGAIN.

Spencer follows Ashley to the bedroom door and asks if she’ll see her tomorrow, then they share a sweet little goodbye kiss on the lips, which Deb TOTALLY sees.

And then ignores.


Let’s talk for a moment about denial. I have this idea for a book called, The High Cost of Denial. In it, I would calculate the actual dollar amount that I’ve blown each time that I have refused to address the obvious. This would include student loans for that extra year of grad school, the rebuilt engine for that car that just needed to be junked, the house bought with that special someone who soon after decided they didn’t want to be special anymore. You know, the little things.

It’s a cautionary tale.

But back to Deb. How does this conventional twit watch these two exchange an obviously romantic goodbye kiss and then stupidly ask, “What was that about?” I mean hasn’t she seen The L Word? Or an ad for The L Word? Or even that bi-curious storyline on The O.C.?

Wouldn’t a more informed question be, "So when did you go all gay?"

Spencer dodges the dumb question and fawns on Deb, who then whips out a giant bottle of booze that she stole from Ashley’s house. Spencer is appalled and refuses to drink with Deb, who settles in to drink the whole bottle herself.

I just hope Spencer refuses to hold her hair when she pukes.

Spencer’s Locker— Ashley is waiting for Spencer at school and immediately gives her a hard time about her stupid old BFF. (And let’s take a moment to note that our little lesbo works a tie so much harder than that Avril Lavigne.)

Ashley asks Spencer, "So how was your little slumber party? Did you stay up all night roasting marshmallows and doing cheers in your underwear?"

Well now we know what Ashley was thinking about last night while they were apart, don’t we?

Spencer: Actually, Debby downed a half a bottle of vodka and passed out on the floor.
Ashley: Wow. Go team.

Spencer: Thanks for being so chill with her. She was kind of weird.
Ashley: Were you like that in Ohio?
Spencer: No! Neither was she. Believe it or not, she was really cool. I don’t know, maybe she was just freaked out about being in L.A. for the first time, maybe it’s jet lag—
Ashley: Or jet bitch…

Spencer: She’s been weird. But hey, could you give her another chance? I mean if my two best friends could get along, that would be great.

It always makes me nervous when Spencer calls Ashley her “friend”.

Why not say, “If my girlfriend and my best friend could get along, that would be great”? Yes, I know that they were friends first, but why not update the roster?

Ashley is clearly not as hung up on semantics as me, and agrees to give her another try. Then she adds, “But you’re gonna owe me. Big.” She says it with a raised eyebrow and a husky growl, and I get the feeling that this particular debt repayment is one that we viewers will never actually get to see. Well, maybe on YouTube. Someday.

Chelsea’s Studio— Sean is hanging out with Chelsea, doing a little refurb work on a piece of his grandmother’s furniture. What he’s really doing is giving Chelsea a gentle reminder that Clay’s having a hard time and that she should just be nice to him. Chelsea hears it.

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