“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.5 “That Is So Not Mom”

King High Parking Lot— Kyla is making yet another futile attempt to get a ride home from Ashley, who blows her off per the norm. Spencer tries to get Ash to play nice, but it’s not happening.

Maybe if she pulled a stun gun out of that giant beehive hairdon’t that she’s sporting she could zap Ashley into submission. And then she could…braid Ashley’s hair or tie her shoelaces or do some other non-sexual thing to her while she’s in that defenseless position.

Aiden roars up in his SUV just in time to rescue Kyla from the horrible fate of a school bus. Not only does he offer her a ride home, he offers to teach her how to drive!

Carlin Home— Ashley and Spencer roll in and Dr. Feelbad (aka Paula) is standing right there in the foyer to greet them. “Greet” is really too strong of a word for what she does with Ashley. It’s more accurate to say that Paula “regards” her. Paula has fallen down in an Edith Wharton novel, and she can’t get up.

Spencer: Everything okay, Mom? Your calls kinda freaked me out.
Paula: Your look is kinda freaking me out.


Then, out of nowhere, a screeching blonde whirlwind tears into the room and attacks Spencer. It’s like the black smoke swarm that kicked Mr. Eko’s ass last week on Lost, but with highlights.

The dervish in question is, Deb, Spencer’s BFF from her old life in Normalsville. Paula has flown her into Los Angeles in an emergency attempt to resuscitate Spencer’s heterosexuality. The two blondes leap about and emit Mariah Carey-esque dolphin squeals as Ashley looks on in dismay. When Spencer introduces Deb to Ashley, Deb gives our little lesbo the big brush off.

Dipstick Glen comes home and is positively thrilled to see Deb back in full effect. She is the anti-Ashley, which means she is dumb, boring and might sleep with him. He invites himself along to hang out with her and Spencer, then gets into a power struggle with Paula over his physical therapy schedule. It seems that Paula is his physical therapist, which makes me think of the film Misery. Actually, it conjures scenes from the French and Saunders (from Absolutely Fabulous) parody of Misery — which is even better than the real thing.

While Glen and Paula bicker, Spencer and Deb begin a bizarre, silent cheer routine that involves a lot of pelvic thrusting and hair flipping. It’s a bad mime act that would have Marcel Marceau clubbing them both over the head with an invisible hammer.

Ashley looks like she’d like to use an actual hammer. Not even Spencer’s enticing hip swiveling is going to make Ashley unfold her arms and participate in a group hug with these two spritzheads. Compared to them, Ashley resembles a teen Hothead Paisan.

Aiden’s Gas Guzzler — For a born-again virgin, Kyla sure has a dirty mouth. She is playing fast and loose with sexual metaphors while thrashing Aiden’s transmission with her novice driving skills. But Aiden must be accustomed to this treatment by now. That guy is like a human cat toy, tormented, teased and battered about as he is by all those King High strumpets.

Aiden makes a futile attempt to escape the death mobile, but Kyla unleashes her inner Madison and barks, “Get in the car and shut up!” He obeys and mutters that she’s bossy, but then says, “That’s hot.”

I’m not going to cry for you, Argentina. You like your women hot and hateful, just like I used to, so what do you expect?

Chelsea’s Art Studio— Clay is freaking out because his birth mother has dropped the bomb of her arrival in his lap, and Chelsea is trying to cheer him up. Sort of. Chelsea has a bit of an edge about her, and she soon becomes exasperated with Clay’s complaints. Chelsea reminds him that his mother was just a girl when she put him up for adoption, and Clay thinks this means that Chelsea is taking his mother’s side over his. (No, it just means that maybe you should have considered birth control when you got laid last week, dude.)

Glen’s Romper Room – Paula has, of course, noticed that Glen is running out of pain pills way too quickly, and she confronts him while he’s playing a video game. He tries to blame it on Spencer, but Paula’s not buying it. She calls for back-up in the form of Arthur and tells Glen that if he’s having a problem with addiction to the pills that he needs to tell her—and she doesn’t mention penance or sin or hell or anything! Paula tells Glen that she’s going to start rationing his dolls as Clay wanders into the room.

Glen: That’s crap!
Paula: Excuse me?!

Clay: What’s going on?
Arthur: We’re discussing Glen’s pain medication.
Clay: It’s about time.
Paula: What does that mean?

Clay: Nothing.
Glen: Nice, man! While you’re at it, why don’t you tell them about that other mother you have stashed away here in town.

One day Glen will make amends to Clay for that little outburst. But only because his sponsor will make him do it.

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