“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.5 “That Is So Not Mom”

King High – Ashley is tying Spencer up in the girls’ bathroom!

Well, she’s tying up the laces on the weird backwards, mini-vest that Spencer is wearing.

I’m just trying to sex things up for us here, people, because these two aren’t getting very far on their own.

Our girls are, however, bold with their words. Spencer is fretting over looking like an “Ashley-wannabe” in the borrowed top, but Ash is relishing the thrill of seeing Spencer wearing her clothes.

Ashley: You look great, Spencer. I like you wearing my clothes. Maybe you’ll think about me all day. Spencer: I already think about you all day. I tanked my history final the other day because you’re all I ever think about.

This is the part where any other TV teenagers (straight or gay and on Showtime) would start climbing all over each other as they stumbled into a bathroom stall for a quickie. Instead, Ashley just adjusts Spencer’s wacktastic vest like she’s a salesgirl at The Gap.

Chelsea emerges from a stall, and because she’s Chelsea she’s completely un-freaked out by their patter. Or maybe she’s just as surprised as me to find them NOT making out after all of that verbal foreplay. She is friendly in a cursory way, but she’s just not her usually bubbly self. She makes a quick exit as Spencer’s phone starts ringing.

Spencer: It’s my mom. She’s called me like 800 times today, telling me to come home right after school.

Ashley: Why? Spencer: I don’t know. It’s gotta be drama. Ashley: Maybe her alien spaceship came back and she just wants to say goodbye.

If an alien spaceship has landed at the Carlin’s, they are most definitely looking for Spencer-or at least her new hairdo.

Glen’s Apothecary Chest- Glen is popping pain pills at his locker, and Clay catches him. When he expresses concern, Glen gives him the usual lip. He tells Clay, “Doctors’ studies have proven that if you mind your own damn business it can actually decrease your heart rate.”

Is it wrong that I like Glen better as an addict? Most people just think that they’re funnier, smarter and more interesting when they’re high. Glen actually is!

Clay doesn’t have time to stand around trying to come up with a snappy comeback. He’s totally stressed because he’s been called in to the Principal’s Office. For the first time. Ever. Glen is psyched to hear this and limps along behind Clay like a gimpy little puppy, barking “What? Why? What for?”

Can we get a choke chain for that thing?

Clay says that his mom is there and needs to see him, and I think we all know where this is going. Remember that Clay has two mommies, and not in that fabulously transgressive Leslea Newman kind of way.

As Clay and Fido walk into the office, Clay’s birth mother breathlessly says, “Well hello, Clay.”

The funnier, smarter and more interesting Glen says, “That is so not mom!”

The Office- Clay is understandably shocked to find his birth mother at his school. After his last meeting with her, he didn’t really expect to see her again. Or maybe he was hoping he wouldn’t because she is about 10 times more irritating than his adoptive mother (who we could call his “afterbirth mom,” if we really wanted to).

Birth mom has relocated to Los Angeles to be closer to him and she gives him all of her new contact information. She wants to be a part of his life if she’ll let him.

Clay: I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to say to all of this. Mom: Just say you’ll call me. Soon!

Judging by her desperate tone, I think she may need a kidney.

Glen is slightly impressed that Clay has a secret from “the ‘rents” and he agrees to help keep the birth mom information from them until Clay is ready to say something about it.

King High Parking Lot— Kyla is making yet another futile attempt to get a ride home from Ashley, who blows her off per the norm. Spencer tries to get Ash to play nice, but it’s not happening.

Maybe if she pulled a stun gun out of that giant beehive hairdon’t that she’s sporting she could zap Ashley into submission. And then she could…braid Ashley’s hair or tie her shoelaces or do some other non-sexual thing to her while she’s in that defenseless position.

Aiden roars up in his SUV just in time to rescue Kyla from the horrible fate of a school bus. Not only does he offer her a ride home, he offers to teach her how to drive!

Carlin Home— Ashley and Spencer roll in and Dr. Feelbad (aka Paula) is standing right there in the foyer to greet them. “Greet” is really too strong of a word for what she does with Ashley. It’s more accurate to say that Paula “regards” her. Paula has fallen down in an Edith Wharton novel, and she can’t get up.

Spencer: Everything okay, Mom? Your calls kinda freaked me out. Paula: Your look is kinda freaking me out.

Word!

Then, out of nowhere, a screeching blonde whirlwind tears into the room and attacks Spencer. It’s like the black smoke swarm that kicked Mr. Eko’s ass last week on Lost, but with highlights.

The dervish in question is, Deb, Spencer’s BFF from her old life in Normalsville. Paula has flown her into Los Angeles in an emergency attempt to resuscitate Spencer’s heterosexuality. The two blondes leap about and emit Mariah Carey-esque dolphin squeals as Ashley looks on in dismay. When Spencer introduces Deb to Ashley, Deb gives our little lesbo the big brush off.

Dipstick Glen comes home and is positively thrilled to see Deb back in full effect. She is the anti-Ashley, which means she is dumb, boring and might sleep with him. He invites himself along to hang out with her and Spencer, then gets into a power struggle with Paula over his physical therapy schedule. It seems that Paula is his physical therapist, which makes me think of the film Misery. Actually, it conjures scenes from the French and Saunders (from Absolutely Fabulous) parody of Misery — which is even better than the real thing.

While Glen and Paula bicker, Spencer and Deb begin a bizarre, silent cheer routine that involves a lot of pelvic thrusting and hair flipping. It’s a bad mime act that would have Marcel Marceau clubbing them both over the head with an invisible hammer.

Ashley looks like she’d like to use an actual hammer. Not even Spencer’s enticing hip swiveling is going to make Ashley unfold her arms and participate in a group hug with these two spritzheads. Compared to them, Ashley resembles a teen Hothead Paisan.

Aiden’s Gas Guzzler — For a born-again virgin, Kyla sure has a dirty mouth. She is playing fast and loose with sexual metaphors while thrashing Aiden’s transmission with her novice driving skills. But Aiden must be accustomed to this treatment by now. That guy is like a human cat toy, tormented, teased and battered about as he is by all those King High strumpets.

Aiden makes a futile attempt to escape the death mobile, but Kyla unleashes her inner Madison and barks, “Get in the car and shut up!” He obeys and mutters that she’s bossy, but then says, “That’s hot.”

I’m not going to cry for you, Argentina. You like your women hot and hateful, just like I used to, so what do you expect?

Chelsea’s Art Studio— Clay is freaking out because his birth mother has dropped the bomb of her arrival in his lap, and Chelsea is trying to cheer him up. Sort of. Chelsea has a bit of an edge about her, and she soon becomes exasperated with Clay’s complaints. Chelsea reminds him that his mother was just a girl when she put him up for adoption, and Clay thinks this means that Chelsea is taking his mother’s side over his. (No, it just means that maybe you should have considered birth control when you got laid last week, dude.)

Glen’s Romper Room – Paula has, of course, noticed that Glen is running out of pain pills way too quickly, and she confronts him while he’s playing a video game. He tries to blame it on Spencer, but Paula’s not buying it. She calls for back-up in the form of Arthur and tells Glen that if he’s having a problem with addiction to the pills that he needs to tell her—and she doesn’t mention penance or sin or hell or anything! Paula tells Glen that she’s going to start rationing his dolls as Clay wanders into the room.

Glen: That’s crap! Paula: Excuse me?!

Clay: What’s going on? Arthur: We’re discussing Glen’s pain medication. Clay: It’s about time. Paula: What does that mean?

Clay: Nothing. Glen: Nice, man! While you’re at it, why don’t you tell them about that other mother you have stashed away here in town.

One day Glen will make amends to Clay for that little outburst. But only because his sponsor will make him do it.

The Heart-to-Heart Section of the Carlin Home— Paula, Arthur and Clay are sitting down for a rational discussion of the birth mother news.

Clay: You’re not mad? Arthur: Why would we be mad? Paula: Honey, she’s your mom. It’s only natural that you’d want to meet her.

Clay: You’re my mom. I just don’t want you to think that I’m trying to replace you.

They tell him that they love and support him no matter how he decides to handle the situation. Unless, of course, he decides to handle it in any gay sort of way. Then all bets are off—at least for Paula.

Spencer’s Bedroom— Deb, Spencer and Ashley are sitting on Spencer’s bed as they flip through the yearbook from Spencer’s old high school. Or should I say the OLD Spencer’s high school. Old Spencer is running this shriek fest, and the New and Improved Spencer who likes cutting class and kissing girls is nowhere to be found.

The squealing blondes reminisce about their cheerleading squad and Ashley’s “Oh My God—Awesome!” snark is totally lost on them. They even start to—gasp—fuss over boys.

Paula comes in to deliver some wholesome snacks to these two wholesome girls—and Ashley—then says, “It’s gonna be a little crowded in here tonight, isn’t it?”

Ashley takes the hint and stands up to leave, and Paula doesn’t stop her. Spencer begs her to stay but it’s obvious that Ashley is through with both of them. She politely says goodbye to Deb, who blows her off AGAIN.

Spencer follows Ashley to the bedroom door and asks if she’ll see her tomorrow, then they share a sweet little goodbye kiss on the lips, which Deb TOTALLY sees.

And then ignores.

Huh?

Let’s talk for a moment about denial. I have this idea for a book called, The High Cost of Denial. In it, I would calculate the actual dollar amount that I’ve blown each time that I have refused to address the obvious. This would include student loans for that extra year of grad school, the rebuilt engine for that car that just needed to be junked, the house bought with that special someone who soon after decided they didn’t want to be special anymore. You know, the little things.

It’s a cautionary tale.

But back to Deb. How does this conventional twit watch these two exchange an obviously romantic goodbye kiss and then stupidly ask, “What was that about?” I mean hasn’t she seen The L Word? Or an ad for The L Word? Or even that bi-curious storyline on The O.C.?

Wouldn’t a more informed question be, “So when did you go all gay?”

Spencer dodges the dumb question and fawns on Deb, who then whips out a giant bottle of booze that she stole from Ashley’s house. Spencer is appalled and refuses to drink with Deb, who settles in to drink the whole bottle herself.

I just hope Spencer refuses to hold her hair when she pukes.

Spencer’s Locker— Ashley is waiting for Spencer at school and immediately gives her a hard time about her stupid old BFF. (And let’s take a moment to note that our little lesbo works a tie so much harder than that Avril Lavigne.)

Ashley asks Spencer, “So how was your little slumber party? Did you stay up all night roasting marshmallows and doing cheers in your underwear?”

Well now we know what Ashley was thinking about last night while they were apart, don’t we?

Spencer: Actually, Debby downed a half a bottle of vodka and passed out on the floor. Ashley: Wow. Go team.

Spencer: Thanks for being so chill with her. She was kind of weird. Ashley: Were you like that in Ohio? Spencer: No! Neither was she. Believe it or not, she was really cool. I don’t know, maybe she was just freaked out about being in L.A. for the first time, maybe it’s jet lag— Ashley: Or jet bitch…

Spencer: She’s been weird. But hey, could you give her another chance? I mean if my two best friends could get along, that would be great.

It always makes me nervous when Spencer calls Ashley her “friend”.

Why not say, “If my girlfriend and my best friend could get along, that would be great”? Yes, I know that they were friends first, but why not update the roster?

Ashley is clearly not as hung up on semantics as me, and agrees to give her another try. Then she adds, “But you’re gonna owe me. Big.” She says it with a raised eyebrow and a husky growl, and I get the feeling that this particular debt repayment is one that we viewers will never actually get to see. Well, maybe on YouTube. Someday.

Chelsea’s Studio— Sean is hanging out with Chelsea, doing a little refurb work on a piece of his grandmother’s furniture. What he’s really doing is giving Chelsea a gentle reminder that Clay’s having a hard time and that she should just be nice to him. Chelsea hears it.

Gray Bar — Spencer, Ashley, Glen and Deb are hanging out in a booth at Gray. Aiden walks in and Deb immediately begins acting out a scene from Pretty Woman with him. Only she’s not acting. Accustomed as he is to being strung along and rejected by girls, he is put off by her brassy, overt come-on that could actually lead to sex.

Debby takes the rejection hard and falls back into her soulmate’s Glen’s lap.

Debby: What is it, homos get in free night? Ashley: Hey, WalMart, why don’t you grow up? Not everybody’s as small minded as you are. Debby: Excuse me? What are you queer too?

Ashley looks like she’s taken a blow to the gut and gathers her things to leave. Spencer tries to stop her and Ashley gives her the hand and a “Don’t.”

Glen snickers and starts thinking about where he and Debby will spend their honeymoon.

Deb: Good! We got rid of the freak. Spencer: Who are you? Deb: Your oldest, bestest friend. Duh! You just need some help picking out your new friends.

Spencer: Yeah, because obviously I did a really bad job of picking out the old ones.

Spencer runs out of the bar and Glen makes a big dumb sloppy move on Deb, who eats it up.

Ashley is storming through the parking lot when Spencer calls after her.

Spencer: Stay! She’s drunk.

Ashley: Stop making excuses for her Spencer. It’s okay if I don’t like her. But what’s not okay is that I don’t like you when you’re with her.

Spencer watches Ashley walk away and mutters to herself, “Neither do I.”

Anonymous Fancy Theatre to Which Kyla Somehow Has a Key— Kyla and Aiden leave Gray to do some mysterious thing that Kyla wants to do, and that something turns out to be a tango lesson for Aiden on the stage of an empty theatre. She is Swayze to his Baby, and before you can say, “spaghetti arms” they are dirty dancing up a storm.

Spencer’s Lonely Bedroom— Glen and Deb stumble into Spencer’s room, still buttoning up their clothes after an impromptu dalliance somewhere in the Carlin household. Spencer is understandably grossed out.

Spencer: My brother? Deb: Oh come on, get over it!

Spencer grabs Deb’s suitcase and begins packing it in a fury, telling her “It is time for you to go!”

The next morning, Deb makes a last ditch plea to smooth things over.

Deb: I can’t believe you’re kicking me out. Spencer: I can’t believe I didn’t do it any sooner. I just sat there while you treated Ashley like crap. Have you always been this way? Deb: What way? Spencer, you’ve changed.

Spencer: Yeah, thank God.

Paula is shocked to find out that Spencer has sent Debby DownYourLiqour packing. Spencer tries to keep it simple with “we don’t have that much in common anymore,” but Paula suspects something far, far more sinister.

Paula: Did Ashley hurt her feelings? Because if she did, I’m gonna— Spencer: Mom! Deb hurt Ashley’s feelings. She was a total drunken nightmare this whole trip, and Ashley was being really cool to her and I just let her down over and over again.

Paula: I had no idea— Spencer: It doesn’t matter who you fly out here. Ashley’s my best friend, and she’s going to be… whatever you think about her.

Random City Park — Clay and his birth mom make small talk while sitting on a park bench. It’s awkward.

Ashley’s House— Spencer finds Ashley lounging on her back porch, reading a magazine. Ashley has not yet finished giving her shit about being friends with a shrew like Debby. She asks Spencer, “Did Kyla let you in, or did little Miss Ohio swipe a set of keys the last time she was here?”

Spencer gazes down at Ashley, and it’s obvious that she’s thrilled to finally get some one on one time with her “best friend.” She tells her, “Debby’s gone. I sent her home this morning.”

Spencer settles into the sofa next to Ashley and admits, “I’ve been totally lame these last couple of days.”

Ashley: Thank you. I really needed to hear that. But she’s your friend, and I get it.

Spencer: No, you’re my friend. And I really haven’t been a good friend to you. I don’t know, I was just freaked out that she’d go home and… Ashley: That she’d say you’re gay? Spencer: Yeah. Ashley: She might have. But at least she’d say you have a totally hot girlfriend.

Spencer smiles seductively and says, “I know.” She crawls across the sofa and kisses Ashley passionately as Ashley’s hands—

Whoops. That’s not what happened. That’s what SHOULD have happened.

What REALLY happened is this:

Ashley: She might have. But at least she’d say you have a totally hot girlfriend.

Spencer: (grabbing the magazine and playfully throwing it back at Ashley) Who’s SO full of herself!

Spencer shakes her head in disbelief and Ashley picks up her magazine and starts reading it again.

Yeah. I know.

Chelsea’s Studio (But We Don’t Care Because We’re Still Reeling From the Fact That Spencer and Ashley Didn’t Get a Make Up Kiss Even Though Aiden and Kyla Did the Forbidden Dance and Glen Had Casual Sex With Some Dumb Girl) – Clay and Chelsea are making nice after their tame little tiff. They take turns apologizing to each other and Chelsea admits that she’s going through some serious stuff. When Clay asks if it’s about her going to Paris for school, Chelsea confesses that she’s pregnant.

Clay’s going to need a lot more than his protractor to figure this one out.

Next Week — Paula approaches Spencer’s bedroom in slow motion—like The Terminator hunting down Sarah Connor (complete with Soundtrack of Impending Doom)— and when she opens the door she sees something that makes her scream “Oh my God!”

If we’re lucky we’ll also see what Paula sees, and it just may have us screaming “Oh my God!” too.

But in a good way.

Check out a juicy sneak preview (Kyla and Aiden walk in on Spencer and Ashley!) for next week’s episode here.