Festering Yet Festive Vat of Germs (aka A Pool Party) — Aiden is prancing around shirtless again. I guess it’s to be expected at a pool party, but still, I thought he was getting professional help for that.
All teen female personnel have been summoned poolside to jiggle about wildly in their bikinis. Across the lawn Arthur and Paula are playing badminton. He gently taps the birdie over the net, and she spikes it back at his face at top speed in a match that is less a game than a metaphor for their entire relationship.
Glen is splashing around like an idiot in the shallow (naturally) end of the pool. He completes an ill-advised dive and splashes water all over Chelsea, just to remind all of us at home how lucky we are not to have to hang out with the Glens of the world anymore.
Poolside, Ashley innocuously applies lotion to Spencer’s back. Well, innocuous to anyone but a paranoid little creep who’s been knocking back pain pills with his lemonade all day. Glen tells Ashley, “Just keep your hands inside the rails. This is a family day, not Homo Happy Hour.”
I loathe him.
Arthur tries to convince Glen to fire up the grill with him but Glen declines, as it would involve getting up off his ass and being useful. Actually, the excuse he gives is, “A guy’s got to watch to make sure things don’t get all NC-17.”
Paula: (terror-stricken) What does that mean?
Glen: (looking over at Ashley and Spencer) Well these girls are—
Aiden jumps in and changes the subject, and even throws Glen back into the pool for good measure. It shuts Glen up, but only temporarily.
Paula chats with Clay and Chelsea, then gloats, “I love seeing them together. Now that is a real relationship,” deftly making a dig at three different people (Arthur, Spencer, Ashley) with one well-chosen zinger. She’s a pro.
Kyla overhears, and is compassionate despite the fact that Ashley torments her non-stop.
Kyla: It must suck to be Ashley and Spencer.
Aiden: What do you mean?
Kyla: They have to sneak around while Clay and Chelsea can just be.
Aiden: I didn’t know you cared so much about your sister.
Kyla: Love is hard enough in a perfect world. It must be so painful for them in theirs.
Spencer and Ashley are doing a good job of keeping their hands off of each other, but Paula still stares menacingly over her glasses at them. A seasoned expert at outfoxing concerned mothers of queer daughters throughout the Greater Los Angeles Area, Ashley is amused and tells Spencer, “If your mom keeps looking at me that way I’m going to start thinking she wants to date me too." (Which really wouldn’t be so bad because aside from her tedious self-righteous morality, Paula is a total MILF.)
Glen has no sense of humor, but–like a dog–he does seem to posses a keen sense of hearing. He interrupts them with a blustery (not to mention obvious), “Mom doesn’t swing that way!” Ashley snaps back with, “Get a life, ass-eyes” and takes leave of the boring and relentlessly hetero party.
With Ashley out of the picture, Glen turns on Spencer.
Glen: She just makes me feel all funny inside. You?
Spencer: What’s your problem?
Glen: I’m not the one with the problem.
Spencer: You know what Glen, you are really starting to piss me off.
Glen: Maybe this is a conversation we should have with (loudly) MOM AND DAD.
Spencer: Yeah and maybe we should talk to them about all the pills you’re taking.
They agree to an uneasy “truce” that Glen is certain to break.