King High School Art Room â€” Chelsea is pleading with Clay to open a letter sent to her by an art school to which she's applied. She can't handle the suspense, so Clay obliges. Chelsea's been accepted to an art school in France! This means that Clay's been accepted to One More Year of Virginity University!
He's disappointed, but a nice enough guy to congratulate adorable Chelsea as she bounces around in glee and practices saying, â€œNon, je suis le Canadien.â€
KHS Lockers â€” Clay tells Sean about Chelsea's possible departure to France and Sean is, as usual, philosophical about the whole thing. He gives him a modern variation of the â€œIf you love something, set it freeâ€ pep talk. Sean is really mature for his age. Why doesn't he have a girlfriend?
Across the way, Glen is Angry Addict Boy, slamming his locker and pinching up his face. Is he out of pills again? Madison witnesses the outburst and deigns to speak to him. He tells her that his ligaments haven't healed yet, and that he won't be eligible for his basketball scholarship unless he passes his physical exam.
Madison, who apparently thinks one can buy â€œanswersâ€ to a physical online, like term papers or Lip Venom, takes her standard â€œWhat's the big deal if it doesn't apply to me?â€ approach. For some reason, this is a bit of a turn-on for Glen and they banter a little about their old relationship. She walks away and he pops a pill.
KHS Schoolyard â€” Aiden is griping about the fact that he didn't get to date Kyla when she was a slut. She explains why she changed her ways and how she considers herself a â€œborn again virgin.â€ She tells him she wants to get to know him before she sleeps with him. I'm thrilled that we are getting this thoughtful heart to heart about sex and relationships from the straight kids and not Spencer and Ashley, because who wants to hear that, right?
Spencer's Bedroom â€” Don't get your hopes up.
Ashley is bitching about Kyla (â€œShe's just so fake. Even her hymen is faux.â€ Ha!) Spencer is sitting on her bed, not being ravished by Ashley. She looks just as irritated by this fact as I am.
Ashley: That's it. I'm making a new law. He can't see her anymore.
Spencer: You're what?
Ashley: She wants to save herself for marriage, and I'm saving him from her.
Spencer: I think we're all sort of adults. I mean, we should be able to choose who we go out with.
Right on cue, Paula drops by Spencer's room and announces, â€œYour date should be here any minute. Good night, Ashley.â€ Ashley gets an even crankier look on her face.
Spencer: I'm sorry about tonight, I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Ashley: I don't know, Spencer, maybe you could come out to your parents.
Spencer: You know I can't do that.
Ashley: Well maybe I can't be your dirty little secret anymore!
Spencer: Well maybe that's because you already have one. You still have feelings for Aiden.
Him again? Really? Ashley stomps out of the house and walks into Spencer's date at the front door. He looks like he could be William Mapother's son. Which would make him Tom Cruise's cousin. This can't be good.
Patrick: I'm Patrick. Are you Spencer?
Ashley: No. But you might want to come in because she's not coming out.
The only good thing about a Spencer and Ashley quarrel is watching Ashley storm away. She's just really good at it. Hmmâ€¦that might be a red flag too.
Carlin Dinner Table (Spencer's Last Straight Supper) â€” Paula has trotted out the fine china for Spencer's big arranged date. The table is set with flowers and candles, and the whole Carlin clan (and Patrick) have joined hands and bowed their heads in humble prayer. Paula is so grateful for her daughter's heterosexuality that she just keeps praying. And praying. Everyone else exchanges â€œWhat the hell?â€ looks until she finally shuts up.
Patrick inquires about their move to Los Angeles, and Paula tells him that they came to LA for all the opportunities for career and meeting new friends.
Arthur: Or staying close to old ones.
He's talking about Dr. Ben, of course. The old flame with whom Paula has been canoodling. It's a good thing Arthur has a napkin so he can wipe up those drips of sarcasm. He gives Paula a look that tells her just how much he hates her, and he doesn't even hide it from the kids. Or Patrick.
Is that scotch in Arthur's glass?
Paula blathers on about how she wants her kids to have the right sort of friends, and this includes Clay's Chelsea.
Paula: We're really lucky that Clay found such a nice, normal girl like Chelsea.
When she says â€œnormalâ€ she shoots Spencer a look. This is Spencer's reminder that Ashley is not â€œnormal,â€ because Spencer has probably forgotten that Paula feels this way. Clay looks horrified to be used as a pawn in Paula's homophobic patter, but he looks even more upset when she tells him that he'd better not let Chelsea â€œget away.â€