TV

“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 2.3 “Guess Who’s Coming Out to Dinner”

Nightfall at the Petting Zoo An animal Petting Zoo, you perverts. Turtles, ponies, the occasional potbelly pig.

Anyway, Spencer and Ash are slipping about in the foliage with their mini-cooler of beer, hopefully avoiding goat droppings (and the resulting threat of E. Coli) on their romantic date in the wild. Spencer seems to be worried that this rendezvous is going to end up like The Descent; she is creeped out by Nature and the terrifying bleats and hoots of sheep and owls.

Or maybe she’s just pretending to be a helpless damsel. I’m sure it’s worked on her dates with boys. It’s working on this date with a girl too.

Spencer: Scared? Ashley: That’s what makes it cool. But if you’re scared you could move a little closer.
Spencer does, and then kisses Ashley for exactly 2.5 seconds before pulling away to fret over getting caught. I wish someone would tell Spencer that the “Three Second Rule” refers to eating food that’s been dropped on the floor and not lesbian kisses.

Ashley assures her that no one else would be at the Petting Zoo at this unholy hour, but before she can begin plying Spence with liquor in earnest, the crackle of twigs signals that someone is there with them after all. I’m hoping its Lauren, finding her way home from The Amazing Race. The Petting Zoo with Ashley and Spencer is probably a “sequesterville” beyond her imagination.

But no, it’s Aiden. It has to be Aiden because Spencer and Ashley were about to touch each other in a non-platonic way. Aiden and Kyla have miraculously appeared at the same part of the Petting Zoo, on the same night, and with the same intentions as Spencer and Ashley. I sure hope no one interrupts them!

Ashley and Spencer scurry away to spy on the straight lovebirds-which is what any self-respecting lesbian would do while on a date with her girlfriend, right?

Ashley: This is where Aiden and I used to come. I can’t believe he’s recycling our old places! Spencer: And I can’t believe you’re doing the same thing!
Aiden blathers on about him being Tarzan and Kyla being Jane, and Kyla tells him to quit being an idiot but rewards him with a kiss anyway. Their kiss lasts a lot longer than 3 seconds. Kyla makes a point of telling Aiden that their date isn’t going where he thinks it is-which I’m assuming means to sex, and not the Reptile House. This is because, gasp, Kyla’s a virgin! I thought Clay was the only virgin at King High.

Before Aiden can even begin to consider the possibilities with this whole “virgin” thing, Ashley runs over to dissent.

Ashley: That is such bullcrap!
I’m intrigued, but baffled. If these two just met and are too ornery to even discuss hair care products, how would Ashley know anything about Kyla’s status as a virgin?

Carlin Family Chapel – Spencer and Ashley are headed out for school.

Spencer: I got your 40 million text messages. Why do you care who Aiden dates?
Red Flag. Repeat, Red Flag. Run, Spencer, run!

Ashley: Okay, it’s a rule. You don’t date your sister’s boyfriend. Spencer: Ex-boyfriend.
Red flag that has been soaked in kerosene and set on fire! Abort, Spencer, abort!

Spencer: As your girlfriend, I’m telling you that you need to stop obsessing over this. Ashley: As your ride to school in my brand new convertible, I’m telling you that you really need to start taking my side.
My momentary delight at Spencer’s breakthrough with the word “girlfriend” is interrupted when Paula enters the room. She gives Ashley a terse, obligatory greeting then tells Spencer that she needs a favor from her, but she thinks that it is one she’ll like.

Paula has set Spencer up on a blind date with a guy named Patrick. He’s the son of some woman from their church, and Paula’s sure that Spencer could have a very vanilla good time with this altar boy.

Spencer is indignant, but Ashley finds the situation hilarious. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until your girlfriend is renouncing her lesbian “experiment” at the Catholic Youth Convention.

Paula doesn’t understand why Spencer isn’t screaming in ecstasy at the prospect of dating a boy, even some random boy that she’s never met before.

Paula: He’s really cute. You’re not dating anyone, right? Spencer: No. Why? Paula: Because I invited him to dinner, tonight.
Ashley no longer finds the situation hilarious. She gives Spencer the “Oh. My. God. How could you?” look and Spencer whispers a sheepish apology.

King High School Art Room — Chelsea is pleading with Clay to open a letter sent to her by an art school to which she’s applied. She can’t handle the suspense, so Clay obliges. Chelsea’s been accepted to an art school in France! This means that Clay’s been accepted to One More Year of Virginity University!

He’s disappointed, but a nice enough guy to congratulate adorable Chelsea as she bounces around in glee and practices saying, “Non, je suis le Canadien.”

KHS Lockers — Clay tells Sean about Chelsea’s possible departure to France and Sean is, as usual, philosophical about the whole thing. He gives him a modern variation of the “If you love something, set it free” pep talk. Sean is really mature for his age. Why doesn’t he have a girlfriend?

Across the way, Glen is Angry Addict Boy, slamming his locker and pinching up his face. Is he out of pills again? Madison witnesses the outburst and deigns to speak to him. He tells her that his ligaments haven’t healed yet, and that he won’t be eligible for his basketball scholarship unless he passes his physical exam.

Madison, who apparently thinks one can buy “answers” to a physical online, like term papers or Lip Venom, takes her standard “What’s the big deal if it doesn’t apply to me?” approach. For some reason, this is a bit of a turn-on for Glen and they banter a little about their old relationship. She walks away and he pops a pill.

KHS Schoolyard — Aiden is griping about the fact that he didn’t get to date Kyla when she was a slut. She explains why she changed her ways and how she considers herself a “born again virgin.” She tells him she wants to get to know him before she sleeps with him. I’m thrilled that we are getting this thoughtful heart to heart about sex and relationships from the straight kids and not Spencer and Ashley, because who wants to hear that, right?

Spencer’s Bedroom — Don’t get your hopes up.

Ashley is bitching about Kyla (“She’s just so fake. Even her hymen is faux.” Ha!) Spencer is sitting on her bed, not being ravished by Ashley. She looks just as irritated by this fact as I am.

Ashley: That’s it. I’m making a new law. He can’t see her anymore. Spencer: You’re what? Ashley: She wants to save herself for marriage, and I’m saving him from her. Spencer: I think we’re all sort of adults. I mean, we should be able to choose who we go out with.
Right on cue, Paula drops by Spencer’s room and announces, “Your date should be here any minute. Good night, Ashley.” Ashley gets an even crankier look on her face.

Spencer: I’m sorry about tonight, I mean, what was I supposed to do? Ashley: I don’t know, Spencer, maybe you could come out to your parents. Spencer: You know I can’t do that. Ashley: Well maybe I can’t be your dirty little secret anymore! Spencer: Well maybe that’s because you already have one. You still have feelings for Aiden.
Him again? Really? Ashley stomps out of the house and walks into Spencer’s date at the front door. He looks like he could be William Mapother‘s son. Which would make him Tom Cruise‘s cousin. This can’t be good.

Patrick: I’m Patrick. Are you Spencer? Ashley: No. But you might want to come in because she’s not coming out.
The only good thing about a Spencer and Ashley quarrel is watching Ashley storm away. She’s just really good at it. Hmm…that might be a red flag too.

Carlin Dinner Table (Spencer’s Last Straight Supper) — Paula has trotted out the fine china for Spencer’s big arranged date. The table is set with flowers and candles, and the whole Carlin clan (and Patrick) have joined hands and bowed their heads in humble prayer. Paula is so grateful for her daughter’s heterosexuality that she just keeps praying. And praying. Everyone else exchanges “What the hell?” looks until she finally shuts up.

Patrick inquires about their move to Los Angeles, and Paula tells him that they came to LA for all the opportunities for career and meeting new friends.

Arthur: Or staying close to old ones.
He’s talking about Dr. Ben, of course. The old flame with whom Paula has been canoodling. It’s a good thing Arthur has a napkin so he can wipe up those drips of sarcasm. He gives Paula a look that tells her just how much he hates her, and he doesn’t even hide it from the kids. Or Patrick.

Is that scotch in Arthur’s glass?

Paula blathers on about how she wants her kids to have the right sort of friends, and this includes Clay’s Chelsea.

Paula: We’re really lucky that Clay found such a nice, normal girl like Chelsea.
When she says “normal” she shoots Spencer a look. This is Spencer’s reminder that Ashley is not “normal,” because Spencer has probably forgotten that Paula feels this way. Clay looks horrified to be used as a pawn in Paula’s homophobic patter, but he looks even more upset when she tells him that he’d better not let Chelsea “get away.”

Gray Nightclub — Madison apparently did “work something out” with the bartender at Gray, because now she’s waiting tables. Madison complains about her crappy tips and Ashley breezes by to tell her, “You could always go back to pole dancing.” (This is Ashley’s N-approved version of “You are a whore, darlin'”.

Ashley sidles up to the bar and gripes about her “damaged day” to the barkeep, Cat.

Ashley: So my new sister’s dating my old boyfriend, which must be like incest or polygamy or something that causes babies to come out with three of everything. Meanwhile, my new girlfriend thinks I’m jealous of my old boyfriend and new sister and their three-headed baby, so she’s going on a date with a guy–yeah, a guy. Some church boy that her mom, who isn’t exactly ‘Yay Gay’ set her up with. Because she won’t tell her that she prefers girls, not guys. I know, it’s confusing.
Cat is not confused. She may have had extensive therapeutic training and may actually be an LCSW. She points out that Ashley just talked about everyone else, but that she hasn’t mentioned anything about herself.

Cat: What’s important to you? To Ashley?
Ashley has an “I’ve Never Been to Me” moment, and sits in stunned silence. Like most teenagers, Ashley really hasn’t spent enough time thinking about herself and what she wants. It’s a problem.

Carlin Household — Paula is cleaning up the dinner dishes and closes the door to the other room, giving Spencer and Patrick some privacy. Compared to how she treats a visit from Ashley, it’s as if she’s put fresh sheets on the bed and cued up a Barry White CD. Spencer and Patrick commiserate about how lame parents can be, and he tells her that he actually already has a girlfriend — one that his parents don’t like. Paula’s right, they DO have a lot in common!

Gray Nightclub—Glen finds Madison bitching about how her crappy tips are going to keep her from Being Someone in Los Angeles. Glen tells her that she’s already a total rock star, and that she doesn’t need to buy her way back “in.” The compliments are foreplay for Madison, and the two stumble into a bathroom stall for a quickie.

Chelsea’s Art Studio — Chelsea is painting her little heart out on a giant mural, and Clay watches in amazement. Seeing her in her element makes him decide that he will let her go to Paris without begging her to stay there with him. The whole “if you love someone, set them free” bit finally gets Clay laid!

Gray Bathroom Stall — Madison bursts out of the stall in a huff, while Glen fumbles with his zipper (and his crutch), telling her that “it” has never happened before. Madison takes “it” very personally, and suggests that maybe Spencer isn’t the only homo in the Carlin family. Glen reminds her that he’s on medication, which, as we all know, can have a certain unfortunate side effect. (Yet another perk of being a lesbian–“it” never happens to us!)

Carlin Kitchen — Spencer merrily tells Paula that Patrick has left the building, apparently “not interested” in her at all. Paula is really bummed. But it’s okay.

Paula: A lot of my friends at church have sons your age.
Spencer finally realizes that she’s just going to have to keep blowing off church boys unless she comes out to her family.

Gym Exterior — Aiden has brought Kyla to the gym for a date. She makes fun of him for being “such a guy” but we see Aiden signal a janitor (or creepy serial killer or whoever the guy in the shadows is), and this probably means that there is more to this gym date than meets the eye. He and Shadow Man must have set up some kind of lavishly romantic scenario in this unlikely location.

Gym Interior — Aiden leads Kyla into the gym, where he reveals the big surprise: a few candles, some flowers, and a blanket in the middle of an empty gymnasium. Kyla is overwhelmed by this intricate, imaginative, and daring gesture.

Kyla: How did you do this? Aiden: You spend enough time on these courts, you make a few friends.
They passionately embrace, and this grand display of love just might convince Kyla to kill off her virginity one last time. What’s the big deal? It’s like in Re-Animator – dead tissue can always be reborn.

Gray Nightclub – The bar has shut down, and Madison is tallying her paltry tips. Low on moral fiber, but high on ingenuity (like her dad?) Madison fudges the numbers on some credit card slips to make her night of work worthwhile. And for now, she gets away with it.

Ashley’s Bedroom — Kyla slips into Ashley’s room to return some borrowed clothes, but Ashley is lying in wait. They argue over Aiden because he’s “not that important” to Ashley, but are interrupted when Ashley’s Bitch Mother waltzes in. She tells Kyla that she has two tickets to a Victoria’s Secret runway show.

Bitch Mother: There’ll be tons of cute boys there, and their new line is so classically feminine. Sound like fun?
Yes, another potshot at Ashley for being so damn butch. Am I the only one who’s noticed that this girl lives in miniskirts and slinky tops? When the SON moms aren’t out cruising young boys (for their daughters, of course) they are policing the gender border like a couple of Minutemen!

Ashley reminds her Bitch Mother that she exists and asks if she can go to the Victoria’s Secret runway show. And really, wouldn’t gay Ashley appreciate a lingerie show a lot more than straight Kyla—who can always buy from the catalogue? Bitch Mother archly tells Ashley that she didn’t think she would be interested in such feminine trifles, but Ashley takes a stand.

Ashley: Come on, Mom. We both know what this is about. Bitch Mother: Ashley, I don’t think we should bring this up in front of Kyla. Ashley: Why not? She’s part of the family now, right? Kyla: Um, I’m going to go to bed now. (She skedaddles away to her wing of the mansion.) Bitch Mother: You have no right to make her feel uncomfortable just because we have problems. Ashley: We don’t have problems. You do. Ever since you find out I was gay. It’s like I’m invisible. Like you don’t even have a daughter anymore. Bitch Mother: That’s not true! You’ve just grown up, and we’ve gone our separate ways. Ashley: Well I haven’t gone anywhere Mom! I think it’s time for me to stop waiting for you…to love me again.
Her Bitch Mother doesn’t deny anything Ashley has said, and scuttles back to her lair. Poor Ash.

Carlin House of Pain — Paula is ruminating about all of the eligible teenage boys that Spencer can date, while Arthur stews in a pungent mix of agony and bitterness. And scotch. He all but tells her to shut up, then adds that her matchmaking is simply a distraction from their rapidly decaying marriage. He suggests they focusing on fixing their relationship instead.

Paula experiences a fleeting moment of vulnerability and asks, “What if we can’t?”

Ashley’s Convertible — Spencer slips out of her house into Ashley’s fancy new ride. They sweetly apologize to one another for the fight.

Ashley: You had every right to be mad at me. And I don’t have feelings for Aiden anymore. I only have feelings for you. Spencer: Thank you. I really need to do something. I need to come out to my parents. I’m tired of keeping us a secret, but I’m so scared about how they’re going to react. What should I say? Ashley: Nothing. I know that I gave you a lot of crap about it earlier, but I look at the way my mom treats me because I’m gay—like I’m less of a daughter somehow. And I don’t want you to go through that. Spencer: That sucks. What am I supposed to do, never come out to my parents? Ashley: No, that’s not what I’m saying. You’ve just changed a lot since you’ve come here, Spencer. And your parents…not so much. You just have to pick the right moment, ’cause you only get one. Spencer: Why does it have to be so hard? Ashley: It has to be. Otherwise we wouldn’t realize how important it really is.
They feel a surge of great importance and kiss—for four whole seconds! It’s a new record y’all! Glenn watches from his bedroom up above, and slams his window shut in a hissy fit of homophobic disgust. If only he were on the right medication, maybe he would think he could fly…

Preview of next week – A bikini-clad Ashley slathers lotion all over a bikini-clad Spencer. I think some other stuff happens too, but who cares?

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button