Ashley's Bedroom — Aiden and Kyla are looking through one of Ashley's scrapbooks. She's forgiven him for lying, and now she's looking for the back story on the Aiden/Ashley hook-up — and also any reasonable explanation for those photos of Aiden's old poofy hairdo.
Ashley storms into the room, and she's pissed that Aiden and Kyla are about to make out in her bed. Kyla tries to stick up for herself, but Ashley starts with the "Don't call me Ashley" routine again.
(What is she supposed to call her? "Mistress"? That's Spencer's thing.)
Ash makes some vaguely threatening catty remarks and brings up the inheritance — again. Kyla insists that it was never about the money, she just wanted to get to know Ashley so that she could better understand their dad.
Ashley tells Kyla that she can just learn about him from the Behind the Music episode, and dramatically tosses the Camera Dude's DVD into the player. But she's quickly humbled when she watches the clip and hears her father express regret about not spending more time with his family.
(His actual words were, "More hugs, less drugs." Yes, the lead singer of Poison is quoting Nancy Reagan. The lion has lain down with the lamb.)
When he mentions his daughters, the girls look at each other and have simultaneous epiphanies without ever exchanging a word.
Aiden and Kyla leave Spencer there to comfort Ashley, who still doesn't want to be comforted.
Ashley: That's the only way I'll ever see my dad
again. Old video footage and album covers.
(Which sounds a hell of a lot better than the faded Polaroids that most of us are left with.)
Kyla's Room — Aiden is giving Kyla puppy dog eyes and begging her to stick around despite all the hate she's getting from Ashley.
Ashley walks in on them again, but this time she's slouching in the doorway and looking a little contrite. Aiden splits and the girls start to negotiate a truce. Ashley is willing to try to "work it out" with Kyla for the sake of their father, but admits she'll probably still be a bitch (which I think automatically calls into question the definition of "working it out").
Kyla wishes her a happy birthday, and Ashley tells her that it wasn't really her birthday after all.
Ashley: My birthday is next month. But Aiden and Spencer went to so much trouble that I couldn't bear to tell them.
Kyla: Well good. I'll have another month to figure out how to ruin that one too.
The episode ends with them sitting together on Kyla's bed, not scratching each other's eyes out.
Then we get a preview for a webisode in which Ashley is crying and making a Top Model-style confessional video. In it, she's sniffling, "Tell me that you loved me more than anything, tell me that I meant more to you than her."
At first, I was worried that this was about her and Aiden (they've been hinting that she might still like him), but when I watched the clip at The-N.com, I realized that the confession was all about her father. (It helped that the clip was entitled "Letter to Daddy.")
But then that immediately conjured images of a 50-something Bette Davis (in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane) in pigtails and a Courtney Love-style children's dress singing "I've Written a Letter to Daddy." Shudder.
In order to dispel that image, I checked out the online SON preview for the next episode, "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner". It's a brief clip of the girls slipping about In Nature (okay, at a petting zoo after hours) with what looks to be a cooler full of booze. Just as they begin to kiss they are — surprise! — interrupted.
I'm beginning to think that Spencer's mom has inserted some sort of chip in Spencer's brain that operates like a variation on the movie Speed. The chip will make her head explode if a girl kisses her for longer than 3 seconds.
And I know the chip only works with girls because I watched Spencer maul Aiden last season while on their big Hollywood Bowl date for what seemed like hours, but with no negative consequences.
I know it sounds outrageous, but Spencer's mom is a nurse. So, as Judy Tenuta used to say, "It could happen!" Besides, what other explanation for all of this Spashley kissus interruptus could there possibly be?