Spencer and Ashley's Lockers â€” Ashley is waxing poetic about the fancy new apartment she's going to get, when Spencer reminds her that she won't inherit her millions until she's 18.
Ashley: Thanks for completely destroying my fantasies.
Spencer: I can help you with some of your other fantasies if you'd like.
Ashley: (with husky voice) Spencer Carlin, you're gay?
Spencer: (shyly) Only with youâ€¦
And just when things are finally starting to get interesting, it becomes â€œall about the dramaâ€ once again.
Ashley opens her skanky, lock-less locker to findâ€”gaspâ€”that her priceless leather vest has been stolen. She blows a gasket in the schoolyard, screaming â€œWhat is wrong with you people?!? That is the last thing my dad ever gave me!â€ at no one in particular as her baffled classmates scoot away in horror.
Spencer dutifully hugs the now regularly hysterical Ashley, and probably wonders if she's ever going to get laid again.
The Carlin Household â€” Glen, Clay, Chelsea and Spencer sit around the dining room table doing homework together while Spencer tells them about Ashley's meltdown. Chelsea wonders what is up with the rash of locker break-ins and Glen butts in with a braying, â€œI know! It sucks!â€
Everyone turns to look at him, baffled. Glen realizes that they don't know about his dolls getting stolen, and lest he sound like a pill-head, he'd better shut up about it.
Since everyone pretty much expects Glen to spout nonsense, they ignore him and go back to their conversation. Spencer is really worried about Ashley's fragile emotional state, and her loving brother Glen reaches out to her in the best way he knows how.
Glen: Is Ashley heading to Crazy Acres? Maybe they can fix that whole gay gene while she's there.
Could someone please sedate him? Stat?
Spencer chastises him, and then plays the concerned friend card. Sweet, naÃ¯ve Chelsea buys it.
Chelsea: You're such a good friend, Spencer. She's lucky to have you.
Spencer: I'm lucky to have her.
Glen: Everybody's gettin' lucky but me!
Okay, that was funny.
Clay takes a phone call from Sean, who has somehow cracked The Case of the Looted Lockers, and even knows where to recover the stolen goods. Spencer and Glen set out to recover Ashley's vest andâ€”unbeknownst to Spencerâ€”Glen's stolen stash.
Later That Night â€”Paula brings Arthur a stack of pillows and blankets for his new bedâ€”the couch. He takes them from her with one hand, as his other hand is holding a highball.
Remind me why he has to sleep on the couch if she's the one who's been screwing around?
Glen sees it all go down and wants to know what's going on. Arthur tells Glen that he and Paula are â€œhaving some trouble.â€ Luckily, Glen is probably the only Carlin kid dumb (or high) enough to actually get some new and useful information from Arthur's lame answer. So it's a good thing that he's the one who asked.
Ashley's House, the Back Porch â€” Kyla is on the phone with her mother, crying over they way she's being treated by both her wicked step-mother and her wicked step-sister. Then Prince Aiden appears and offers to take her out for a burger.
Well at least someone is being nice to her, even if it is Aiden.
Ashley's Room â€”Spencer gets to play the hero card when she returns the leather vest to a teary and grateful Ashley.
Ashley: Thank you. Thank you so much for not letting me disappear or be alone.
Spencer: You're not alone. I'm not going anywhere.
If the previews for next week are any indication, it looks like the only place Spencer might be going is to court to get an injunction. Because Ashley's dad was famous, she and Spencer apparently make for good TV. The paparazzi get video footage of them kissing, and Spencer tries to talk them out of using it. She even calls one of them an â€œassâ€!
Let's hope she has a few other tricks up her (mostly) wholesome little sleeve.