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“South of Nowhere” Recap: Episode 3.16 “On the Precipice”

It’s hard to believe that this is the season finale of South of Nowhere. It seems like just yesterday that we all watched innocent little Spencer Carlin move to the big bad city and meet her destiny in the form of the tattooed teenage vixen, Ashley Davies.

It’s been a not nearly wild enough ride, and now, at the end of the third and final season of SON, we find Spencer, Ashley and the rest of the gang moving on to that next phase of their lives. The part where the wide road opens up before them, but their car insurance premiums are still really high.

So let’s join them as they, and we, so our last goodbyes.

Full house – Madison and Ash are hanging out looking at some papers and Madison is, as usual, voicing objections. As she flips through each of the pages she snarls, “Too slow, too fast, too country, too gay…”

Are these songs Ashley has written or personal ad print-outs from Eharmony.com?

They two of them start to snipe at each other when Carmen enters the room and, inexplicably, tries to maintain the peace. Though the house is flooded with morning light, they tell us that it’s late and Carmen offers to “bunk with Kyla” and let Madison spend the night there so that she and Ashley can take a break and resume squabbling first thing in the morning.

Ashley, suspicious of the offer, asks Carmen if she’s trying to “turn” Kyla, and Carmen leers, “not tonight.” Ugh. Then she tells them that Kyla has “a guy” in her room. Horrors!

The three of them peek through the beaded curtains into Kyla’s room, only to find her and Aiden sitting across from one another on the floor, hands interlaced and “Miming” in perfect harmony.

Tantric sex never looked so mundane.

Around the world in 80 days – Glen and Chelsea return to Chelsea’s studio after spending some time looking at Modern Art, which Glen claims to “get.” Chelsea ignores him as she sorts her mail then comes across a letter that makes her shriek “Oh my God! They said ‘yes’?” She’s talking about the French art school she turned down back when she was knocked up with Clay’s baby. You know, the Worthington of Paris!

She tentatively tells Glen that she contacted the school after she won the memorial contest, and they re-opened her file. Glen is thrilled for her, exhibiting none of the bratty behavior that we’ve seen from Ashley regarding Spencer’s eminent trek to college.

Chelsea seems a little torn, and she tells him, “I wish I could have you and Paris.” It’s not unthinkable. I’ve seen stranger pairings.

Glen is surprised and offers to come with her.

Later, he talks it over with Paula and Arthur, proclaiming, “If she’s moving to Paris, then so am I!” They think it’s a bad idea. Arthur tells him that they’re looking for a new basketball coach at the recreation center, and Paula tells him that McDonald’s is looking for new cashiers now that the McRib is making its final Cher-like goodbye tour.

Okay, I made that last part up. But the ego-crushing recreation center coach comment was real. Ouch.

Glen details his extensive plans for making the move to France (he’ll eat rice and beans!) and his parents are impressed by his uncharacteristic display of responsibility. Or, as Paula says after he leaves the room, “He can’t do his own laundry but he can plan a transatlantic migration?”

Fixing it in “post” – Spencer is having a meltdown in the video editing bay. She whines, “My senior project is due tomorrow and I don’t have a beginning, middle or end.” Oh honey, I know your pain. People say, “Fix it in post!” but they really have no idea what that means, or how much you want to kill them when they say it.

Editing expert Ashley assures her that just how “most films are” and advises her to dress in black for the screening so that everyone just thinks she’s a genius. Then, she suspects, some Hollywood hot shot will try to woo her and Spencer will ultimately leave her for Portia De Rossi.

Do you think Spencer would ever get away with giving her drama queen girlfriend advice that was equally glib?

Ashley than changes the subject of how awesome it is for them to be having breakfast together, and wonders how even awesome-er it would be if they could have breakfast together every day (i.e. “Don’t leave me and go away to fake college!”).

Spencer suddenly remembers that she has to conduct an important interview with Glen (about what, athletic cups?) and Ashley snaps at her for always changing the subject when they talk about “The Future.”

Spencer tells her that she does want to talk about their future, but could they please do it after Spencer finishes her work and graduates in two days? Ashley sighs and waves her away with a bejeweled hand.

The princess is displeased.

It’s not easy bein’ green – Aiden rolls up in his new green ride that runs on vegetable oil (but probably also has vibrating seats) in hopes of impressing newly turned do-gooder Kyla. He worries that she won’t think it’s as “sexy” as his bike (or the road rash he got when he wiped out on it a couple of weeks ago).

Tired of “cheating death” on his crotch rocket, Aiden has decided instead to become a Mercedes Boy. Do you wanna ride?

It’s the cheesiest – Glen returns to Chelsea studio full of excitement about the prospect of finding a job in France, living on the Left Bank, and enjoying some gnarly-smelling “fromage” with his soon to be beret-clad girlfriend. Glen thoughtfully bought her the beret, but Chelsea tells him she always dreamt of moving to Paris and buying one for herself.

Not understanding that “buying my own beret” is really code for “I want to go to Paris without you,” Glen dons the one he purchased and offers to make it his own.

She finally spells it out for him, telling him that the trip to Paris is a chance for her to become someone new, and that if he’s there with her then she’s just her old self. Having managed to stay his same old douche-y self when he moved from Ohio to California, Glen doesn’t really understand. But he does get the hint and is understandably upset. He leaves and Chelsea cries tears of joy.

Ready for his close-up – Back at Chez Carlin, Glen is sitting up straight and wearing a goofy smile for his big interview in Spencer’s documentary. Either he’s a really good actor or he’s already forgotten what just happened at Chelsea’s studio.

Ashley: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. We can name him after your brother! Aiden: Clay!

No dumbass, Sports Time, after Glen.

Spencer: Clay. That’s perfect. We’ll name him Clay. Ashley: I can’t believe that I’m going to be a mother, that we’re both going to be mothers. Spencer: It’ll be great.

They gaze at each other lovingly then begin to kiss. We get a good look at the wedding bands on their hands as they rest on Ashley’s blanket stomach.

Aiden clears his throat to remind them that he’s still there and watching, per the norm, then whines, “Can we please talk about the fact that I’m still single and need a wife?”

They ignore him. Dude, this is what happens when you hang out with lesbians. Didn’t they teach you that in stock broker school?

Oy. Five years later and the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Ashley: Some things are sacred. Madison: Your love life doesn’t interest me, but the song does. No wonder Ethan thinks you’re talented. Ashley: Oh please. Flirting might get you favors from jocks but it’s not going to work with me. I’m not going to do it. Madison: If you’re not going to give me your best material, I’m just going to find another songwriter who will.

It’s what J Lo would do.

Young hearts run free -Later, Glen finally slinks downstairs to find the coast clear. Arthur tells him that Chelsea had stopped by (duh!) and Glen tells him about the Paris fiasco. Then he tries to rush off to work so that he doesn’t have to process his feelings about all of it with his social worker dad. Arthur tells him to take a moment before work, and guides him into the dining room.

Arthur doesn’t really want to talk to Glen about his feelings, he just wants to make him taste his damnable salty food like everyone else has had to!

Not really. Arthur wants to tell Glen the history of his life with Paula, and the difficulties of young love. He tells Glen, “Son, you deserve to live your own life, not to be an accessory to someone else. And Chelsea deserves the same. Do you really want her to leave on a bad note?”

Then Arthur whips out a toothpick with an orange glob of food attached to the end, shoves it in Glen’s face and says, “Taste this.”

The letter – Ashley lets herself into the Carlin home and finds it uncharacteristically quiet. She takes advantage of the privacy to do some snooping of her own, and finds the Worthington acceptance letter tacked to the fridge. Heads will roll!

Kiss my grits – Back at the flophouse, Carmen is removing some crispy cookies from the oven when Ashley follows her nose into the kitchen. Ashley is impressed by Carmen’s baking skills, and Carmen smarmily tells her, “I’m a fountain of untapped talent.” Why does everything she says sound like it’s about to be followed by “Now take your top off”?

Carmen apologizes for giving Madison access to Ashley’s special song about Spencer, and Ashley forgives her, telling her the idea that she and Madison could ever work together in peace was the real problem.

Carmen encourages her to work alone, but Ashley explains the hidden benefits of life as a songwriter: endless royalties and no pesky paparazzi. Ashley confides that songwriting isn’t her biggest concern now, it’s the fact that Spencer got accepted into fake college at Worthington and didn’t even tell her.

Carmen snorts, “What, that she was going to ditch you to go to some fancy school in Boston? Is she going to take queer theory classes and write slam poetry? Whatever.”

Carmen scoots closer and tells Ashley that she doesn’t have to pretend to be okay with the Worthington scenario, then launches into the “You and I are a lot alike” speech that usually precedes someone making a pass at the listener.

Carmen touches Ashley’s hair then goes in a big, fish-mouthed kiss.

When Ashley objects, Carmen shrugs it off, adding, “Come on, she’s leaving anyway. You know you want to. No strings, easy.”

Ew.

Nice melons – Over at the Farmer’s Market, Spencer is picking out some fresh fruit when she’s greeted by a friend from the past, DJ Boz. He’s all decked out in a suit, and tells her that he’s now interning at CBMB. Spencer’s reality is so warped from being in Ashley’s entourage, she assumes that he’s talking about a record label. But alas, it’s an accounting firm. He tells her to think of him as C.P.A. Boz now.

I think we’re supposed to be happy for him, but I find it a bit depressing. It’s like watching that VH1 show Bands Reunited, in which all the rock stars of your youth are now dentists, guitar teachers and people who now look forward to Casual Friday instead of having groupies feed them the green M&M’s with their tongues. (Depressed after a breakup? Watch Berlin keyboardist John Crawford survive the reunion with singer and former girlfriend Terri Nunn and prepare to call your ex and thank her for only stealing your soul and not taking your livelihood along with it!)

But I digress. C.P.A. Boz tells Spencer that everyone changes, and warns her that all of us are ultimately “living on the precipice,” which is a lot like “Living On a Prayer” but with less Aqua-Net.

Spencer is inspired by his fatalistic little pep talk, whips out her video camera and asks for an interview. What a stroke of luck! This could be just the footage she needs to shape her Senior Project. It’s a good thing Boz got his life together, otherwise Spencer might have had to start shopping for a less prestigious fictional university.

What happens in Vegas really shouldn’t have happened at all -Over at the soup kitchen, Aiden is still mooning about after Kyla, who breathlessly tells him about her friend who just spent six months at “the Ashram.” Aiden’s intrigued until he learns that Ashram life entails a 4 a.m. wakeup call. She explains to him that an ashram is a place you go to when you feel lost. (Funny, I call that place Hardee’s.)

Aiden admits he feels lost, then starts to wonder how Clay felt about life before he was gunned down. Kyla wonders if Clay would have been better off if he had know he was going to die young. I think this is a weird question. If I received the tip off about an early departure, I would stay home, eat Funyuns, and watch Fantasy Island reruns behind closed curtains in hopes of giving The Reaper the slip!

Aiden and Kyla admit to one another that they really have no idea what the future holds, except that Kyla has had a vision of them being married. But other than that, no clue.

Aiden says that he’s having déjà-vu, but in his version, she was telling him all of this in Vegas! And they say lesbians move too fast.

What more in the name of love -Glen returns to Chelsea’s studio to apologize for being a jackass but chalks his jackassery up to being in love. He tells her that no matter where her travels take her, he will always love her. His romantic speech earns him an immediate shirtless make-out session, but I don’t think it will buy him a one-way ticket to gay Paris.

This is her confession -Spencer shows up to visit a pouty Ashley, who grabs her and hugs her in a death grip. Then she apologizes. This is never a good sign. She tells Spencer that Carmen made a pass at her so she booted her out to the nearest halfway house.

Ashley tells her, “Nothing happened between us. I mean, I thought about it, but only because I was mad at you for not telling me that you got into Worthington.”

Uh, what? Ashley sucks at confessions, and at reassurance.

Spencer, unlike me, focuses on the “Worthington” part of what Ashley said and not the “I thought about it” part. In my book, the insulting “I thought about it part” would be grounds for dismissal.

Spencer tells Ashley that she doesn’t know where she’s going yet, and wonders why Ashley didn’t just ask her about Worthington instead of making a hasty assumption. When Ashley whines about not “hooking up” with Carmen because of Spencer, Spencer asks her she’s suddenly being so “clingy” and tells her not to be afraid of change.

Spencer tries to tell Ash all about how C.P.A. Boz helped her figure out the point of her documentary, but Ash screeches at her for wanting to talk about the movie instead of “the future.”

Graduation day – Ashley and Kyla talk about how weird it is to be hosting Spencer’s graduation party when they both dropped out and got their G.E.D’s after inheriting millions of dollars. (Who says money can’t buy happiness?) Ashley says she regrets dropping out “a little” but when Kyla suggest that they go to college, Ashley giggles, “Let’s not get crazy!”

Yes, that ridiculous suggestion is completely out of control.

Spencer’s parents arrive and scope out Ashley’s gorgeous pad for the first time. Then Aiden arrives with Madison in tow, after “finding” her in the lobby. So let me get this straight: At this party, Aiden has had sex with every woman in the room except for Spencer and her mother (as far as we know). He is totally a lesbian.

Spencer stupidly gives Paula a tour of Ashley’s bedroom, where she spots Spencer’s robe hanging on the closet door. It’s awkward for a moment, but not half as awkward as it could be considering what other trinkets these two could have accidentally left lying around.

Ashley complains about Madison wanting to record the super special Spencer song, “Dirty Mind.” (I would normally make a comment here making fun of Ashley and lionizing Prince’s songwriting awesomeness, but now that he hates the gays, he can just piss off.)

Spencer encourages her to let Madison have it. And she’s right, why not let Madison make them some money? They can certainly donate it to a good cause.

Glen and Chelsea show up arm-in-arm. Both of them are happy again because she invited him to join her in Paris after all, and he declined. See, everybody gets what they want! Instead, Glen tells them that he will stay behind to go to community college and coach basketball. Then Arthur and Paula notice that the two of them are covered in green paint and cluelessly tease them about it. First the robe, then this? Paula and Arthur need to make some magic of their own instead of prying into the sex lives of their kids!

Kyla and Aiden are sitting together on the couch, giggling like schoolgirls. Madison tries to tease them about it, which is weird because Aiden has always acted like a schoolgirl. He tells Madison that they are planning a trip to Vegas. Because they are stupid.

Ashley tells Madison she can record the little gem “Dirty Mind,” but that she will retain the publishing, then Spencer announces that its time to screen her documentary.

She cues it up on the tube, and the brief clip reminds me of some of the best confessional moments from Real World, Top Model, and Scream Queens, complete with heartfelt voiceover and scantily clad young women. Spencer’s no Michael Moore, but I’m glad she completed her homework assignment and gets to graduate on time.

Spashley 4Ever – As the party winds down, Ashley pulls Spencer aside to make the last of her many apology speeches on SON. She tells her she’s sorry for being clingy and demanding and presents her with a sentimental graduation trinket, a little keychain from the beach emblazoned with the word “Spashley.”

Call me sentimental, but it’s a nice tip of the hat from the show’s producers to all the fans that have so supportive of the show (and so willing to make a feast of whatever lesbian crumbs were fed to them by the show over the last three seasons). Well done.

Of course, the chain is attached to a key, the key to Ashley’s swanky loft. She invites Spencer to move in with her whenever she’s ready, and Spencer tells her that she’s ready now because she’s decided to stay in Los Angeles and attend the very real UCLA instead of the fake Worthington. They kiss and whisper “I love you” to one another.

Then they rejoin the rest of the gang crowded around the table (and, most importantly, the chocolate fountain!) where Arthur raises his glass and proposes a toast, “To Ashley and Spencer.”

I can’t help but think that lesbians of all ages from around the world are raising their glasses joining in the toast, adding to it the word, “Finally!”

So that’s the end of the series, kids. I have had fun recapping it and sharing the SON experience with you. Thanks for your many kind and clever comments, I can only hope I’ve made you laugh half as often as you have me.

But before we go, let’s take a quick look at The N’s version of a crystal ball, the recent webisode they posted claiming to give us a glimpse into Spashley’s future. Gabrielle Christian herself recently described it as “cheesified”, which I interpreted as an invitation rather than a warning.

Minicap of SON Webisode “Five Years Later” – It’s five years in the future (so they are still babes in the woods at the age of 23?) and Ashley is knocked up and talking over baby names with her baby daddy, Aiden.

Should I just chalk this scenario up to “kids these days”? If I was going to have a baby with my woman (don’t worry, will never happen, fyi) I certainly wouldn’t ask her ex-boyfriend to make the donation. Too creepy. That’s what strangers are for!

Aiden suggests over-compensating, hyper-butch names like Tyson, Thor, and Hunter because he wants to guarantee that the kid will grow up to be a big homo like his two mommies.

Ashley’s baby bump looks like a rolled up blanket shoved under her shirt. She’s probably mitigating the damage he’s doing to her toned young body by wearing maternity Spanx.

A flirty Ashley suggests, “Stud Jr., after you” and proves my point. Too creepy!

Spencer comes home (just in time?) presumably from a hard day at work at the Documentary Factory. She is decked out in Contempo Casual and griping about the difficulties of making a film about Feliz Norgenborg, “the next big thing.” Isn’t that the real name of the Swedish Chef?

Spencer asks Aiden how “stock-broking” is going and he rolls his eyes and asks to change the subject. So they do, back to the baby, of course.

In just a few moments of exposition we learn that in addition to Aiden donating sperm, Spencer has donated the eggs. Ashley? Well, she’s subletting the space. So this little project truly is a group effort.

Ashley weirdly suggests they name the kid Spencer Jr., then has an even less-inspired idea.

Ashley: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. We can name him after your brother! Aiden: Clay!

No dumbass, Sports Time, after Glen.

Spencer: Clay. That’s perfect. We’ll name him Clay. Ashley: I can’t believe that I’m going to be a mother, that we’re both going to be mothers. Spencer: It’ll be great.

They gaze at each other lovingly then begin to kiss. We get a good look at the wedding bands on their hands as they rest on Ashley’s blanket stomach.

Aiden clears his throat to remind them that he’s still there and watching, per the norm, then whines, “Can we please talk about the fact that I’m still single and need a wife?”

They ignore him. Dude, this is what happens when you hang out with lesbians. Didn’t they teach you that in stock broker school?

Oy. Five years later and the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Spencer: Action. Glen: Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?

I’m as lame as Glen, because this makes me laugh at loud. Spencer tosses a pillow at him and he offers to do the “Hair Club For Men” commercial before arguing with her about being an over-achiever whose already shot enough footage to make multiple documentaries (and several reality TV pilots to boot).

I think she should post all of the Glen, Aiden and Carmen footage on Funny or Die so that we can watch it and vote “Die.” Because that would be amusing, obnoxious, and strangely empowering.

Tiny dancer – Downstairs, Paula is dusting and stops to gaze lovingly at an old picture of Spencer dancing. Arthur interrupts her reverie by making her taste another one of his concoctions, then the two of them reminisce about the good old days when their little girl never left the house without her tutu. These days they’d give their collective right arm to see her wearing even half that much clothing when she slipped out the window to visit her equally hoochied-up girlfriend!

The doorbell rings and Chelsea enters apologizing for having broken Glen’s heart. She soon learns that he’s been too busy working on his stand-up act with Spencer to have spread the word to his family about getting dumped. His parents call him downstairs and tell him Chelsea is there to see him, so Glen tries hide in Spencer’s room instead of dealing with it. She tells him that she thought he’d outgrown his “idiot stage” and sends him down to meet his doom, but not before giving him a lecture about why he should be cool enough to let Chelsea go to France without him.

He asks Spencer, “How do you walk away from the person you’re in love with?” It’s a relevant question for Spencer, who says nothing, but is silently thinking, “Backwards and very slowly, while doing a slow pan of the room to establish the shot location.”

Downstairs, Chelsea is explaining to the Paula and Arthur how amazing it will be when she goes to Paris, particularly as she now gets to leave about 165 lbs of dead weight on their sofa instead of claiming it at Customs.

Throughout the conversation, Arthur keeps feeding her his creations. As it turns out, he’s not just being annoying. He’s been charged with the responsibility of providing the food for Spencer’s graduation party at Ashley’s house. Cooking is fun, but when the pressure is on, I find it’s best to hire a professional caterer.

Your song – Per the norm, Ashley storms into her own house to find Carmen and Madison listening to a super-secret song she wrote for Spencer. Madison announces, “I found the song I want to record,” but Ashley snarls, “Find something else.”

Carmen, rudely snooping around at the fuchsia flophouse, found the disc in the CD player and decided to play it for her new BFF.

Ashley: Some things are sacred. Madison: Your love life doesn’t interest me, but the song does. No wonder Ethan thinks you’re talented. Ashley: Oh please. Flirting might get you favors from jocks but it’s not going to work with me. I’m not going to do it. Madison: If you’re not going to give me your best material, I’m just going to find another songwriter who will.

It’s what J Lo would do.

Young hearts run free -Later, Glen finally slinks downstairs to find the coast clear. Arthur tells him that Chelsea had stopped by (duh!) and Glen tells him about the Paris fiasco. Then he tries to rush off to work so that he doesn’t have to process his feelings about all of it with his social worker dad. Arthur tells him to take a moment before work, and guides him into the dining room.

Arthur doesn’t really want to talk to Glen about his feelings, he just wants to make him taste his damnable salty food like everyone else has had to!

Not really. Arthur wants to tell Glen the history of his life with Paula, and the difficulties of young love. He tells Glen, “Son, you deserve to live your own life, not to be an accessory to someone else. And Chelsea deserves the same. Do you really want her to leave on a bad note?”

Then Arthur whips out a toothpick with an orange glob of food attached to the end, shoves it in Glen’s face and says, “Taste this.”

The letter – Ashley lets herself into the Carlin home and finds it uncharacteristically quiet. She takes advantage of the privacy to do some snooping of her own, and finds the Worthington acceptance letter tacked to the fridge. Heads will roll!

Kiss my grits – Back at the flophouse, Carmen is removing some crispy cookies from the oven when Ashley follows her nose into the kitchen. Ashley is impressed by Carmen’s baking skills, and Carmen smarmily tells her, “I’m a fountain of untapped talent.” Why does everything she says sound like it’s about to be followed by “Now take your top off”?

Carmen apologizes for giving Madison access to Ashley’s special song about Spencer, and Ashley forgives her, telling her the idea that she and Madison could ever work together in peace was the real problem.

Carmen encourages her to work alone, but Ashley explains the hidden benefits of life as a songwriter: endless royalties and no pesky paparazzi. Ashley confides that songwriting isn’t her biggest concern now, it’s the fact that Spencer got accepted into fake college at Worthington and didn’t even tell her.

Carmen snorts, “What, that she was going to ditch you to go to some fancy school in Boston? Is she going to take queer theory classes and write slam poetry? Whatever.”

Carmen scoots closer and tells Ashley that she doesn’t have to pretend to be okay with the Worthington scenario, then launches into the “You and I are a lot alike” speech that usually precedes someone making a pass at the listener.

Carmen touches Ashley’s hair then goes in a big, fish-mouthed kiss.

When Ashley objects, Carmen shrugs it off, adding, “Come on, she’s leaving anyway. You know you want to. No strings, easy.”

Ew.

Nice melons – Over at the Farmer’s Market, Spencer is picking out some fresh fruit when she’s greeted by a friend from the past, DJ Boz. He’s all decked out in a suit, and tells her that he’s now interning at CBMB. Spencer’s reality is so warped from being in Ashley’s entourage, she assumes that he’s talking about a record label. But alas, it’s an accounting firm. He tells her to think of him as C.P.A. Boz now.

I think we’re supposed to be happy for him, but I find it a bit depressing. It’s like watching that VH1 show Bands Reunited, in which all the rock stars of your youth are now dentists, guitar teachers and people who now look forward to Casual Friday instead of having groupies feed them the green M&M’s with their tongues. (Depressed after a breakup? Watch Berlin keyboardist John Crawford survive the reunion with singer and former girlfriend Terri Nunn and prepare to call your ex and thank her for only stealing your soul and not taking your livelihood along with it!)

But I digress. C.P.A. Boz tells Spencer that everyone changes, and warns her that all of us are ultimately “living on the precipice,” which is a lot like “Living On a Prayer” but with less Aqua-Net.

Spencer is inspired by his fatalistic little pep talk, whips out her video camera and asks for an interview. What a stroke of luck! This could be just the footage she needs to shape her Senior Project. It’s a good thing Boz got his life together, otherwise Spencer might have had to start shopping for a less prestigious fictional university.

What happens in Vegas really shouldn’t have happened at all -Over at the soup kitchen, Aiden is still mooning about after Kyla, who breathlessly tells him about her friend who just spent six months at “the Ashram.” Aiden’s intrigued until he learns that Ashram life entails a 4 a.m. wakeup call. She explains to him that an ashram is a place you go to when you feel lost. (Funny, I call that place Hardee’s.)

Aiden admits he feels lost, then starts to wonder how Clay felt about life before he was gunned down. Kyla wonders if Clay would have been better off if he had know he was going to die young. I think this is a weird question. If I received the tip off about an early departure, I would stay home, eat Funyuns, and watch Fantasy Island reruns behind closed curtains in hopes of giving The Reaper the slip!

Aiden and Kyla admit to one another that they really have no idea what the future holds, except that Kyla has had a vision of them being married. But other than that, no clue.

Aiden says that he’s having déjà-vu, but in his version, she was telling him all of this in Vegas! And they say lesbians move too fast.

What more in the name of love -Glen returns to Chelsea’s studio to apologize for being a jackass but chalks his jackassery up to being in love. He tells her that no matter where her travels take her, he will always love her. His romantic speech earns him an immediate shirtless make-out session, but I don’t think it will buy him a one-way ticket to gay Paris.

This is her confession -Spencer shows up to visit a pouty Ashley, who grabs her and hugs her in a death grip. Then she apologizes. This is never a good sign. She tells Spencer that Carmen made a pass at her so she booted her out to the nearest halfway house.

Ashley tells her, “Nothing happened between us. I mean, I thought about it, but only because I was mad at you for not telling me that you got into Worthington.”

Uh, what? Ashley sucks at confessions, and at reassurance.

Spencer, unlike me, focuses on the “Worthington” part of what Ashley said and not the “I thought about it” part. In my book, the insulting “I thought about it part” would be grounds for dismissal.

Spencer tells Ashley that she doesn’t know where she’s going yet, and wonders why Ashley didn’t just ask her about Worthington instead of making a hasty assumption. When Ashley whines about not “hooking up” with Carmen because of Spencer, Spencer asks her she’s suddenly being so “clingy” and tells her not to be afraid of change.

Spencer tries to tell Ash all about how C.P.A. Boz helped her figure out the point of her documentary, but Ash screeches at her for wanting to talk about the movie instead of “the future.”

Graduation day – Ashley and Kyla talk about how weird it is to be hosting Spencer’s graduation party when they both dropped out and got their G.E.D’s after inheriting millions of dollars. (Who says money can’t buy happiness?) Ashley says she regrets dropping out “a little” but when Kyla suggest that they go to college, Ashley giggles, “Let’s not get crazy!”

Yes, that ridiculous suggestion is completely out of control.

Spencer’s parents arrive and scope out Ashley’s gorgeous pad for the first time. Then Aiden arrives with Madison in tow, after “finding” her in the lobby. So let me get this straight: At this party, Aiden has had sex with every woman in the room except for Spencer and her mother (as far as we know). He is totally a lesbian.

Spencer stupidly gives Paula a tour of Ashley’s bedroom, where she spots Spencer’s robe hanging on the closet door. It’s awkward for a moment, but not half as awkward as it could be considering what other trinkets these two could have accidentally left lying around.

Ashley complains about Madison wanting to record the super special Spencer song, “Dirty Mind.” (I would normally make a comment here making fun of Ashley and lionizing Prince’s songwriting awesomeness, but now that he hates the gays, he can just piss off.)

Spencer encourages her to let Madison have it. And she’s right, why not let Madison make them some money? They can certainly donate it to a good cause.

Glen and Chelsea show up arm-in-arm. Both of them are happy again because she invited him to join her in Paris after all, and he declined. See, everybody gets what they want! Instead, Glen tells them that he will stay behind to go to community college and coach basketball. Then Arthur and Paula notice that the two of them are covered in green paint and cluelessly tease them about it. First the robe, then this? Paula and Arthur need to make some magic of their own instead of prying into the sex lives of their kids!

Kyla and Aiden are sitting together on the couch, giggling like schoolgirls. Madison tries to tease them about it, which is weird because Aiden has always acted like a schoolgirl. He tells Madison that they are planning a trip to Vegas. Because they are stupid.

Ashley tells Madison she can record the little gem “Dirty Mind,” but that she will retain the publishing, then Spencer announces that its time to screen her documentary.

She cues it up on the tube, and the brief clip reminds me of some of the best confessional moments from Real World, Top Model, and Scream Queens, complete with heartfelt voiceover and scantily clad young women. Spencer’s no Michael Moore, but I’m glad she completed her homework assignment and gets to graduate on time.

Spashley 4Ever – As the party winds down, Ashley pulls Spencer aside to make the last of her many apology speeches on SON. She tells her she’s sorry for being clingy and demanding and presents her with a sentimental graduation trinket, a little keychain from the beach emblazoned with the word “Spashley.”

Call me sentimental, but it’s a nice tip of the hat from the show’s producers to all the fans that have so supportive of the show (and so willing to make a feast of whatever lesbian crumbs were fed to them by the show over the last three seasons). Well done.

Of course, the chain is attached to a key, the key to Ashley’s swanky loft. She invites Spencer to move in with her whenever she’s ready, and Spencer tells her that she’s ready now because she’s decided to stay in Los Angeles and attend the very real UCLA instead of the fake Worthington. They kiss and whisper “I love you” to one another.

Then they rejoin the rest of the gang crowded around the table (and, most importantly, the chocolate fountain!) where Arthur raises his glass and proposes a toast, “To Ashley and Spencer.”

I can’t help but think that lesbians of all ages from around the world are raising their glasses joining in the toast, adding to it the word, “Finally!”

So that’s the end of the series, kids. I have had fun recapping it and sharing the SON experience with you. Thanks for your many kind and clever comments, I can only hope I’ve made you laugh half as often as you have me.

But before we go, let’s take a quick look at The N’s version of a crystal ball, the recent webisode they posted claiming to give us a glimpse into Spashley’s future. Gabrielle Christian herself recently described it as “cheesified”, which I interpreted as an invitation rather than a warning.

Minicap of SON Webisode “Five Years Later” – It’s five years in the future (so they are still babes in the woods at the age of 23?) and Ashley is knocked up and talking over baby names with her baby daddy, Aiden.

Should I just chalk this scenario up to “kids these days”? If I was going to have a baby with my woman (don’t worry, will never happen, fyi) I certainly wouldn’t ask her ex-boyfriend to make the donation. Too creepy. That’s what strangers are for!

Aiden suggests over-compensating, hyper-butch names like Tyson, Thor, and Hunter because he wants to guarantee that the kid will grow up to be a big homo like his two mommies.

Ashley’s baby bump looks like a rolled up blanket shoved under her shirt. She’s probably mitigating the damage he’s doing to her toned young body by wearing maternity Spanx.

A flirty Ashley suggests, “Stud Jr., after you” and proves my point. Too creepy!

Spencer comes home (just in time?) presumably from a hard day at work at the Documentary Factory. She is decked out in Contempo Casual and griping about the difficulties of making a film about Feliz Norgenborg, “the next big thing.” Isn’t that the real name of the Swedish Chef?

Spencer asks Aiden how “stock-broking” is going and he rolls his eyes and asks to change the subject. So they do, back to the baby, of course.

In just a few moments of exposition we learn that in addition to Aiden donating sperm, Spencer has donated the eggs. Ashley? Well, she’s subletting the space. So this little project truly is a group effort.

Ashley weirdly suggests they name the kid Spencer Jr., then has an even less-inspired idea.

Ashley: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. We can name him after your brother! Aiden: Clay!

No dumbass, Sports Time, after Glen.

Spencer: Clay. That’s perfect. We’ll name him Clay. Ashley: I can’t believe that I’m going to be a mother, that we’re both going to be mothers. Spencer: It’ll be great.

They gaze at each other lovingly then begin to kiss. We get a good look at the wedding bands on their hands as they rest on Ashley’s blanket stomach.

Aiden clears his throat to remind them that he’s still there and watching, per the norm, then whines, “Can we please talk about the fact that I’m still single and need a wife?”

They ignore him. Dude, this is what happens when you hang out with lesbians. Didn’t they teach you that in stock broker school?

Oy. Five years later and the more things change, the more they stay the same.

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