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“South of Nowhere” Recap: Episode 3.13 “Better Late Than Never”

Use me up – Glen and Chelsea are getting down in her studio and she takes a call in the middle of it.

It’s Sean and Chelsea sounds relieved to hear from him. Much to Glen’s dismay, she tells Sean that she’s doing “nothing special,” which is good because he’s on his way over! Chelsea tersely tells Glen to please put his shirt on “now.” Ouch! I’m sure her haste to get him clothed has nothing to do with that gnarly farmer’s tan he’s sporting. Don’t they have tanning accessories at Sports Time?

Glen wants to know if she’s willing to talk about “what just happened” and after getting a puzzled look he reminds her of the lovin’, touchin’ and squeezin’ that just took place about 30 seconds earlier. Oh, that!

Chelsea tells Glen that she’s “glad” that “it” happened because she hasn’t kissed anyone since Clay died and she’s glad that it was him, Clay’s brother. Because it’s was so “friendly…and fun! Totally fun!” She’s also glad that it was no-strings-attached because Glen surely doesn’t want strings either, right? Right? The she tells them that they shouldn’t tell anyone because they won’t hear the end of it. Right? Right?

Glen glumly gets dressed as she nervously darts around him. He asks what her hurry is, then finds out when she opens the door for Sean, who is holding a big bouquet of flowers.

Good morning, starshine – Over at Chez Carlin, two other teenagers are having a more successful illicit hook-up. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see any of it.

I have no proof, but I’m willing to bet that neither Ashley nor Spencer have any tan lines to speak of.

Spencer is trying to sneak her tawny girlfriend out of her bedroom before anyone else at her house wakes up.

But as she’s tip-toeing out, Ashley runs into Paula in the stairwell. You know what they say about the early bird catching the dyke!

Spencer makes a pathetic attempt to cover up their sleepover by blurting out, “Ashley, when did you get here?” And Paula gives her a “don’t EVEN” glare. Ashley chuckles and skips away to her parent-free abode, and Paula tells Spencer that they will talk about what just happened later.

Behind the wall of sleep – At Kyla and Ashley’s place, Kyla wakes up to some temporary peace (Ashley, the Hoochie Witch of the West, is pedaling her Porsche over there right about now) and finds Aiden asleep next to her bed. He knew she was distraught, so he spent the night by her side. Because he is God’s hand-sculpted Aiden, he has neither a crick in his neck or bed-head.

Kyla gets up and immediately begins packing, and Aiden can only stare mouth agape at her green booty shorts. As it turns out, the look of shock and disappointment is supposed to communicate his surprise that she’s still planning to leave. (I thought it was the “that’s all I get?” face.) She explains that she doesn’t really have any choices after humiliating herself and incurring Ashley’s wrath. Aiden tells her not to worry, that it simply “wouldn’t be Ashley if she didn’t totally wig out.” Charming. And yet Ashley is never single!

Aiden ask Kyla to give him a day to try to straighten things out between her and Ashley, and I think she speaks for all of us when she asks him, “Why do you care so much?”

He soulfully replies, “I just do,” and none of us are buying it. I’m trying to decide which sister he has reset his sights on. I’m going with Kyla as, statistically speaking, his odds are better with the straight sister than the bisexual one.

Out of the frying pan – Back at the Carlin’s, Paula has sublimated her rage about Spencer’s all-nighter with Ashley, and is in the kitchen watching Arthur cook pancakes as Spencer videotapes him. They’re making an audition tape for a new Food Network show, Iron Dork.

Arthur and Spencer are laughing and horsing around, but Paula isn’t amused. She asks Spencer if the camera will “ever” be turned off, and ads, “Maybe it’s better to live in reality than on reality TV. Food for thought.” She’s just saying that because she’s never seen Hole in the Wall or Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane.

Glen joins them in the kitchen, interrupting Arthur’s babblefest just before Paula makes her own audition tape for Snapped.

She asks Glen when he came home and where he was, and when he tells them he was at Chelsea’s until 4 a.m., Arthur tells him, “That’s nice.”

Spencer protests the double-standard for her and Glen when it comes to staying out all night with girls.

Her tone suggests that this is all about sexism, or perhaps even homophobia, but it’s neither. It’s not because they favor your brother, honey, it’s because they forget he exists!

Paula starts to grill Spencer about what exactly she was doing with Ashley all night in her bedroom and Spencer immediately runs off to school with her camera in tow, muttering something about “the memorial.” Effectively distracting her parents from her horny teenager activities by reminding them of their son’s impending memorial service.

Speaking of Clay’s memorial, Arthur wants to know how Chelsea is doing with its design. Glen gives them some general information and mentions that Sean is back in town to help her with it. Paula snorts, “Yeah, I’ll bet that’s what he’s here for!” Suddenly, Glen looks like he’s been kicked in the gut.

Arthur joins in, adding, “Yeah, haven’t you noticed? Even Clay noticed that Sean had something for her.”

He did? I didn’t. Did you? I think this is just more runoff from the identity crisis outbreak of last season.

Work is a four-letter word – At home in her hot pink bedroom, Ashley is sifting through a pile of overdue bills. She whines that it’s hard to be a grown-up. Aiden asks if she has the money, and she tells him that she does, “for now. But eventually it will run out, and then what?” Um, I don’t know. Then you get a job? You could even get really anal and plan ahead by getting a job now! I can’t imagine that being overexposed on the internet for not really doing much of anything is as time-consuming as she would have us think.

Eventually, Ashley admits that it’s not about the money, it’s about college. Or, rather, college girls. What? She’s afraid Spencer will dump her pampered ass and upgrade to some random 19-year old Kinesiology major who sleeps in a bunk bed under a Pink poster and cooks Ramen on a hot plate?

She whines that she can’t believe that she’s only 18 and already a has-been, and Aiden’s protests to the contrary do little to console her. She reminds him that Kyla ruined everything, and is offended by Aiden’s defense of her.

Heavy lifting – Over at Chelsea’s studio, Glen, Sean and Chelsea are loading her memorial sculpture into the back of Sean’s truck.

And though it’s only three feet tall, it’s somehow too heavy for three people to carry. Did she sculpt it in lead?

Glen almost drops it, giving him his recommended daily dose of self-loathing. Sean and Chelsea flirt openly and Glen decides to let them ride together to the memorial without him. This could be enough stress to drive him back to using Guitar Hero. When Sean and Chelsea deliver the sculpture to King High, Sean gets all romantic and then she blows him off too!

We’ll fix it in post – Sean wanders around his old high school and finds Spencer in the editing bay. He’s impressed that she’s taken an interest in film and she asks him what it’s like to work with Spike Lee. He tells her it’s great, and that Lee is just like them, only “more rich, more famous and more of a genius.”

Spike Lee? Only on television do people graduate from high school and immediately begin working with Spike Lee. In real life, a recent high school grad with cinematic aspirations would more likely be working with these people.

Sean sees Kyla’s image on Spencer’s editing screen and asks if she’s making a sequel to Kyla’s infamous “Ashley is a Whore” video. He tells Spencer that the controversial clip was probably produced by someone with the kind of sneaky editing skills that can magically put words in another person’s mouth. Together they begin some video sleuth work to repair what’s left of Kyla’s reputation.

He shoots, he doesn’t score – Across town, Glen is shooting hoops with Aiden, and sharing the tragic story of his tryst with an unnamed girl. Aiden wants to know the identity of the “unlucky lady” but Glen keeps his trap shut. He tells Aiden it was just a “one-time thing” because that’s how the girl wanted it.

Suddenly the ever sensitive Aiden goes all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Tool on us. He sneers, “Even better!” and tells Glen that “girls don’t really know what they want. They want what they think they’re supposed to want. So tell her how you feel and let her know that what she wants is you!”

Yes, Glen, by all means take advice from the guy who’s currently stuck in the friend zone with every single woman in his life.

Spurred on my Aiden’s amazing insight, Glen hustles over to Chelsea’s studio where he finds Sean. Sean explains that he’s looking for a copy of Chelsea’s speech, but having practically moved in with her, Glen knows exactly where it is. They have a brief, subdued grabbing match for the papers and eventually Glen wins out. He heads off to deliver Chelsea’s speech to her at King High.

The kid stays in the picture – Over at Ash and Kyla’s place, the whole gang is hovering around Spencer’s computer monitor watching Kyla’s “Ashley is a Whore” video. Surrounded once again by females, Aiden has reverted back to his sensitive persona and is trying to convince Kyla that Jake “tricked” her into saying all of those terrible things. Ashley walks in and sees them watching the video and flips her wig.

Spencer tries to calm Ashley down with a half-hearted, “She wasn’t really saying those things.” Then Ashley steals my joke when she snaps, “Let me guess, she was lip synching?”

Kyla and Aiden sense Ashley’s rage and leave in a hurry, leaving Spencer to tend to her pissy-pants girlfriend.

Once they leave, Ashley resurfaces for a heart-to-heart with her woman. She knows that the Scooby gang totally wants her to forgive Kyla, but she just can’t. Spencer reminds Ashley (and the rest of us) that when she first came out, Glen was a total idiot. Ashley agrees, “Yeah and he still is.” I think my work here is done. Ashley should be recapping this show, not me.

Spencer continues her little “family first” speech, reminiscing about all of Glen’s lewd comments about lesbianism and how Paula ripped Ashley’s hair out when she caught her in bed with Spencer. The moral of the story? According to Ashley, the moral is, “Family sucks!” But Spencer’s interpretation is that, “Family can surprise you.”

Can’t they both be right?

Ashley tells her that she can deal with all the whore/slut accusations, but Kyla’s public trash talking of their father is unforgiveable. Their mutual private slamming of their dad was fine, but the viral video version? Not cool! Spencer pleads with her to give Kyla another chance, but Ashley’s not having it. Poke her with a fork, because I think she’s done!

Thanks for the memories – At the memorial, Paula and Arthur are all dolled up and gazing admiringly at Chelsea’s statue.

It looks like a giant’s necklace holder!

Still, they thank her for creating it, and also for babysitting their ne’er-do-well son, Glen. Then they ask her if she’s been able to “spend time” with Sean. Wink, wink, nod, nod. Chelsea looks around nervously, because that’s just a weird thing for her dead boyfriend’s parents to say. But they let her know that they are cool with her moving on after losing Clay. They encourage her to “find happiness with someone new,” not knowing that “someone new” could be their second favorite son.

Glen arrives to deliver Chelsea’s speech, and then pulls her aside to make one of his own. He butchers Aiden’s already nonsensical “what a girl wants, what a girl needs” speech and succeeds only in confusing her further.

He tells her she can’t deny “it” and when she says that yes, she can deny “it” he tells her “deny this!” and awkwardly kisses her. I haven’t seen kissing this dispassionate since the last episode of South of Nowhere!

At that very moment, Ashley happens to walk by and sees them making out.

Meanwhile, Kyla is having a meltdown at the memorial about how everyone hates her. She heads off to the bathroom, ostensibly to pop some pills. On her way, she bumps into an ultra-hooched up Ashley (she’s wearing black, aka somber hooch). Ashley tells her that while is still totally mad at her, she needs to share some juicy gossip. They giggle over the Glen/Chelsea make-out session, proving what all of us already knew: talking about other people really does make you feel better about yourself!

After getting in a few cackles, someone cues up the epiphany soundtrack (piano solo) and Kyla earnestly tells her sister that she wishes she could take back all the terrible things she said. Ashley surprises her when she tells her, “I’m sure you do. But…it’s not like it’s the end of the world. Just because I asked you to leave, it doesn’t mean that I wanted you to be gone.” That kind of crazy double-talk should be reserved for girlfriends only, but, with Ashley, even sisters are not immune! Kyla eats it up and tells Ash that she’s “the best sister in the universe.”

Ashley agrees, and they head over to the memorial ceremony.

That’s a wrap – After the ceremony and back at Chez Carlin, Spencer is screwing around with her video camera again, attempting to shoot a “documentary” of the Davies sisters making up. That’s not a documentary, its evidence. Who knows when Ashley will flip out again and decide that Kyla’s the devil?

Spencer switches her focus to Ashley’s pretty face, while Aiden does some lesbian processing with Kyla. She asks him again why he cares so much about what happens to her, and he confesses that in between nightmares of being shot and attacked, he has beautiful dreams of Kyla. Oh brother. I hope he remembers to pass that line along to his pupil, Glen.

The Carlin family, along with Chelsea, Aiden and the Davies sisters are just about to sit down to a big dinner of roast beast when Sean enters the room and attempts to take the empty seat next to Chelsea. Glen stands up to him and tells him he can’t sit there because it’s his seat. Sean makes a bitchy comment about “assigned seating” and I yell “Hell no!” at the tv scream. While I’m sure that Glen is not paying any rent, this is still technically his home and he should sit wherever he damn well pleases.

Chelsea senses that a fight over her is about to happen and tries to give up her seat to either of them just to keep the peace. But Glen blows his own cover and tells her, and the whole family, that it’s not about the seat, it’s about her.

The room gets very quiet, and just as Spencer’s about to shut down her video camera and preserve her family’s privacy, viral video queen Ashley urges her to keep it running. Oh the irony!

Glen professes his love for Chelsea in front of everyone, and the room gets very quiet. Everyone at the table sits very still and lets the silence pass like a bad storm.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Grab your body armor, because Bangs is back!

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