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“South of Nowhere” Recap: Episode 3.12 “Love and Kisses”

We didn’t start the fire – Let’s rejoin the sister-fight from last week, already in progress.

Ashley is beside herself with rage after watching a video of Kyla defaming their father and his music and calling Ashley a whore. But mostly she’s just mad about the “whore” part.

Ashley rifles through her drawers for, oh I don’t know, a gun? Kyla is working up some tears and apologizing, and when that doesn’t get Ashley’s attention, she blames the fact that she was wasted on her video bitchfest. And when that doesn’t work, she blames Jake.

But Ash isn’t buying any of it.

Ash: Did he hold a gun to your head to make you say all those awful things about our father and about me, how I’m a whore? Kyla: I know I made a mistake. What can I do to get you to forgive me? I’ll do anything. Ash: You know what you can do? You can take your Soy Chips, and your yoga mats and your fashionista wardrobe and you can get out. Kyla: Come on, Ashley, I’m begging you.

But Ash just gives her the death glare.

I know she’s pissed at Kyla, and I’d want to get rid of her too. But why blame the Soy Chips? Those things are tasty!

Let my love open the door – A perky Spencer shows up later, greeted at the door by a very glum Ashley. But she should be used to that by now. Because her girlfriend is such drama, Spencer’s good moods are as short-lived as Spashley kissing scenes.

Ash tells Spencer that she needs a new phone number and maybe even a new address. Maybe in Belize. Ash has to run away to tropical locations because all she owns is skimpy hooch-wear. Wait, do they make a slutty parka?

The ever-chipper Spencer smiles and gives an oh-golly-things-are-just-bound-to-get-better “hmmph,” and invites Ash to go to Ego with her. Thanks, but I think she’s already there.

Drama queen Ash replies with great solemnity, “I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”

Spencer tells her that this is “perfect” because they can have coffee together at Ego! It’s where Lily first took her for their career-counseling session (which turned into a gay-off.) Ever since, Spencer can’t seem to stay away from the place. I feel that way about Target.

Spencer: They have these Sunday brunches, and Lily and Jonica are gonna be there.

Ash: Wait, did they put you up to this?

Spencer: What?

Ash: Lily didn’t ask to do an interview?

Spencer: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Ash: My stupid sister and her ex-manager decided to do a video and now it’s all over the internet

Spencer: Oh my god, is she naked?

Ha. Good guess.

Ash: (starting to cry) No. I wish she was only humiliating herself instead of humiliating me with a pack of lies.

Spencer: It can’t be that bad.

Oh Spencer, don’t you read D-Listed.com? It really can be that bad.

Ash: Easy for you to say, you haven’t seen it.

Spencer: If it’s lies –

Ash: If?

Spencer: Okay, that’s not what I meant. But Ash –

Ash: (pushing her out the door) go to brunch with your friends

Spencer: Ashley –

Ash: Bye.

She shuts the door in Spencer’s face. Doesn’t it seem like she’s always doing that?

Meanwhile, Kyla has been hovering in the corner like a vulture, watching it all play out. Ash tells her, “If you’re not out of here in 24 hours, I will be.”

This is not an effective threat. She should have said, “If you’re not out of here in 24 hours, I’ll call the law.” Though I think “calling the law” is only something people do where I’m from.

Jump, jump – Aiden is showing off his baller moves to Sasha. What this really means is that we are forced to endure treated to a montage of Aiden’s muscle flexing and making out with her between shots.

It’s called “crap filler.”

Just as they’re about to have a shallow conversation about something lame, Sasha notices a tabloid featuring Kyla and Ashley on the cover. It’s been conveniently left there with a stack of newspapers.

What are the odds?!

Sasha: Looks like more trouble for the notorious Davies sisters. Aiden: I don’t know how this stuff gets out. Sasha: Hey, aren’t you friends with Kyla or Ashley?

Well if by “friends” you mean “sex partners”…

Aiden: Both Sasha:well it’s too bad. I heard ash can really sing. Too bad she’s stuck with such a shallow no-talent sister. Aiden: Actually, Kyla’s really smart and she’s a good person. Don’t believe everything you read. Sasha: Honestly, I don’t really care about any of this, I’m just really worried about this paper I have to finish.

Me too.

Aiden: You want help?

Not necessarily a good idea, unless the paper is about doing squats.

Sasha: You can buy me a mocha. Aiden: And what do I get in return? Sasha: Well buy me one, and you’ll find out.

That’s the oldest trick in the book.

SOS – Kyla is on the phone with her mother, begging to come home for a visit.

Kyla: Yes, Mom, I was high in the video… Rehab? Mom, no! Mom, you’re not a last resort. I don’t even have any friends, they’re all Ashley’s friends. Never mind. Forget that I called.

She looks for some leftover dolls, but it looks like Jake took those, along with her dignity.

Bottoms up – Over at Ego, Spencer arrives alone (can you say “meat-tagged”?) and Jonica is up on her in a flash and prepping to pounce.

Spencer asks for Lily, and Jonica tells her, “She’s around her somewhere. But let’s not rush off to find her. I want you all to myself. There’s nothing like a Bloody in the morning to get a buzz going. What are you drinking?”

Oh dear. This girl is not going to be a good influence on our little princess. But she’s right about the Bloody Mary. In fact, I had the best Bloody of my life here.

Spencer: Me? I’m not… Jonica: Come on…I’ll buy. Lily: Jonica, are you trying to liquor up our underage friend here? Jonica: (with a creepy, stilted laugh) Huh huh. Of course! How else am I going to get her to make out with me? Lily: Shameless! Jonica: That’s my middle name.

No, it rhymes with your middle name, “lameness.”

Spencer: I think I’m just gonna have a latte. Lily: Ok, but first…you have to share. Spencer: What? Jonica: (who suddenly develops a conscience) You never stop working, do ya? Lily: I’m just making conversation, totally OTR. (To Spencer) Off the record. Spencer: Oh, is this about the video that Ashley was freaking out about?

Duh!

Jonica: Uh…yeah. Spencer: How bad was it? Lily: You haven’t seen it?

We’ll let’s take care of that right now, shall we? Lily pops open her phone, cues up the video and does the big reveal.

Spencer watches in horror as Kyla slams Ashley on the internets and tells all about her sexual proclivities.

Lily wants to know if it’s true that Ashley slept with the record producer, Ethan. Spencer is probably wondering the same thing, but, like a good girlfriend, she says, “Of course not!”

Then Lily and Jonica began their Campaign of Doubt, asking Spencer if she’s sure about Ashley’s fidelity, and wondering why Ash is so upset if it’s all a big lie. Spencer begins to reconsider the facts, as well as that Bloody Mary.

Let’s get it on – Over at Chez Carlin, Arthur and Glen have returned from their camping trip. As if Glen hasn’t suffered enough humiliation, he now has to watch the two of them make out like a couple of teenagers. Actually, their make-out scene is pretty tame, so instead I’ll say that they are making out like a couple of lesbian teenagers on The N.

Glen is proudly wearing his “Sports Time” shirt, after having successfully won his job back. He brags to his horny parents, “They said that when I actually showed up, I was one of the most successful salesmen that he ever had. Which is good, because I’m gonna have to pay for those SAT prep classes I signed up for. I think I’m pretty good on the math, but the verbal -“

Holy Coitus Interruptus! Paula is so thrilled by the news that Glen will be getting his flat ass off of her sofa, that she actually takes her tongue out of Arthur’s mouth to encourage her son.

Friends in low places – If Spencer is considering her third Bloody Mary, and I’m considering calling Glen to come over and join her, Lily and Jonica. With his natural ability to diminish sexual arousal, I think he might actually do some good with these girls.

Spencer admits that she’s a lightweight (she omits the fact that’s she’s also a puker), and as soon as Lily leaves the table to go talk to “Cynthia Stegner,” and Jonica scoots closer to Spencer.

Spencer asks Jonica about Sylvia, and is told that she’s a “major studio power player. Way hooked into the lesbian mafia.” Spencer’s eyes widen in terror, “Lesbian mafia?”

This could be fun. Can someone please Photoshop and send to Spencer a picture of Ilene Chaiken with a tommy gun? Or, in modern (TV) mafia tradition, eating some gabagool?

Johnica bares her teeth hungrily and growls, “You are so cute!” at Spencer just as another girl walks by and asks Jonica if she’s robbing the cradle.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Johnica ignores her and asks Spencer what kind of drunk she is. Wait, There are types? Projectile vomiting? Prone to ill-advised sexual encounters? Regretful?) Spencer says she’s not, a drunk, she’s more of a “play it safe” kind of girl.

Jonica practically licks her chops as she raises her Bloody glass and says, “Here’s to playing it a little less safe.”

Heard it through the grapevine – No one is above watching Kyla’s trashy confessional video, not even the usually noble Chelsea. Glen visits her at the studio and they gossip about it a little before Chelsea begins to complain about being behind in her work. Glen offers to help and knocks over a big bucket of supplies.

That’s it. Nothing else happens. What was the point of that scene? I guess the station needed to take a break for heterosexual identification.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em – Back at Ego, Jonica is stepping out for a smoke break when Spencer stops her. Jonica says she wants to quit (she’s down to two packs a day, what a nicotine-gobbling stud!) but she needs to find something else to do with her hands.

How come every time Johnica throws down a smarmy line I feel the urge to take a shower?

A tipsy Spencer reminds her that there are “other options,” then the two of them kiss. I don’t see much chemistry here, and their make-out seems like more of a matter of convenience. It’s like when you’re not really hungry but there’s a bag of Pirate Booty sitting right there on the counter, and somebody’s already opened it and had some anyway, so why not have it?

No matter. The lip-lock lasts all of 3 seconds and then Spencer starts apologizing and Jonica the Jackass back-pedals and says she was just kidding around all of the 800 times she hit on Spencer. She admits, “I totally have a girlfriend.”

Jonica slinks away for her cigarette, blaming the whole awkward kiss situation on “mixed signals.” Spencer is far too gracious about it and totally let’s her off the hook.

A flustered Spencer tries to make her escape, but not before running into Lily. She correctly guesses that Spencer has just been played by Jonica, and then tells her (um, a little late!) that Jonica does this kind of crap all the time. Spencer had no idea. As with the lesbian mafia, she had no idea that there’s a lesbian douche-brigade too. (Please don’t Photoshop any pictures of Jonica that bring that term to life.)

Spencer is shocked that a grown up (ha) like Jonica can act so “high school” and this sets her off on a rant about being the only gay in the village at King High.

Spencer laments, “I can’t even believe a place like this exists! I want to come here every week for Brunch, and come here every day to talk about movies and life…”

Lily listens earnestly, and we’re treated to a little listening montage.

Lily replies, “It’s all about observing, and you’re already good at that … And when it comes to romance, we’re all still in junior high. And you have a girlfriend who really cares about you, and she could use a little TLC right now.”

What the hell is she talking about? What is “all about observing”? Do I even want to know?

After Lily’s sobering little pep talk, the two of them put Ego aside and head out.

Don’t fence me in – Aiden and Sasha are studying together at a cafĂ©, and Aiden can’t keep his hands off of her. Aiden takes a grope break to check his email on her computer and finds out that his application to UCLA has been rejected. Cue somber folk rock.

Say it right – Spencer gets home and before she can even get that terrible taste out of her mouth (meaning Jonica, not the undoubtedly delicious Bloody Mary) she’s greeted by Ashley. No, she didn’t break in. Arthur and Paula let her in on their way out for a dinner date.

An unusually contrite Ashley apologizes for being such a rejecting drama queen earlier in the day, and gives Spencer a red rose.

Ashley wants to “explain” something. Oh god. Now I need a drink!

She admits to Spencer that she used to lie about Ethan the Producer being her boyfriend so that others would be jealous, but she never “hooked up” with him.

Then Spencer feels the need to confess her own minor sin, because Ashley is already having an awesome day.

Boulevard of broken dreams – Later, Aiden and Sasha are taking a walk together and he’s explaining to her all the reasons why going to community college for a couple of years and then transferring into UCLA is way better than that just going to UCLA. Actually, I think the best argument for this plan is the fact that he was rejected. So keep it simple, Aiden.

Sasha looks bored and disappointed, and then bails on the date they had planned for that night because she has so much work. When he offers to call her the next day, she tells him that she’s busy all week. Aiden does the math (those scores probably kept him out of UCLA) and realizes she’s blowing him off because he’s not going to be a Bruin anytime soon.

Sasha claims that they won’t have much in common now that he won’t be going to UCLA, which makes me wonder how much they have in common now, as he is currently not enrolled at UCLA. Because he’s a girl, Aiden snaps at Sasha and tells her that she didn’t seem to worry about their common interests while they were in bed.

That argument is the death knell of a casual relationship. And the stench of desperation that usually goes along with it tends to send the other person off in search of a lower-maintenance, less clingy prey. I think Aiden needs to go buy a pint of Cherry Garcia and rent The Notebook, because this fight ain’t gonna go his way.

They agree that things aren’t working between them, and Aiden makes a big speech about how “glad” he is that it’s over.

Maybe he should rent Titanic while he’s at it. He’ll never let go, Sasha. He’ll never let go!

Sweet forgiveness – Over at the parent-free Carlin residence, Spencer and Ashley kiss (in poor lighting) for about three seconds and Spencer asks, “Are you sure you aren’t mad at me?”

I’m glad she didn’t ask me. I am angry because I didn’t get to hear her explanation for why she kissed Jonica the Jackass. It’s bad enough to cheat, but to cheat with a poser? Unforgiveable.

Ashley assures her, “If our relationship cannot survive a few slutty, embarrassing, would-be indiscretions, then what’s the point?”

Before Spencer can think to ask Ashley about her own slutty, embarrassing, would-be indiscretions, Ashley changes the subject. She has a belated birthday gift for Spencer. She tells her, “It’s really cheesy and romantic, but I wrote this for you. And I was gonna play it live but I was afraid that I was gonna mess it up or you were gonna make me laugh, so I recorded it.”

It’s probably been mastered in the studio by the same engineer who made Kyla a star.

Ashley cues up her song (which really doesn’t sound like her at all) and we are treated to a montage of her dancing with Spencer, Glen finally hooking up with Chelsea (eww, his brother got her knocked up last year and that’s just creepy), and Aiden arriving at Kyla’s house and trying to convince her not to leave town.

So as the brand new couple Glen and Chelsea kiss, and the exes Aiden and Kyla hug, Spencer and Ashley, the longest standing couple on the show, do some sort of awkward prom bear-hug shuffle. It’s just awful.

Attention The N: We’re in the final stretch of this show. Are you planning to starve us to death before you pull the plug?

In a somewhat redeeming moment, Paula and Arthur come home to see them dancing and smile approvingly. You’ve come a long way, Paula.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Chelsea tries to forget she kissed Glen, Ashley worries about being an 18-year old has been (who just happens to be a millionaire).

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