Upstairs, after dinner, Katie’s like, “Whew, close call.” And Emily is so disgusted that she calls Katie a slut in about eleven different ways. Katie goes to sleep crying. The next morning they wake up speaking twin, like from when they were kids — gah! I need more time to talk about it! — and Katie coerces Emily into going to the Love Ball.
Oh, but wait! The house, it has known magic! Was Santa here? No, in fact; it was Naomi Campbell. She came by to love Emily out loud, but Jenna chased her off talking about, “She and Katie are two halves of a whole. A heterosexual whole. Now scram before their father wakes up and attacks you!”
Outside of the only vintage shop in Bristol, apparently, Panda is returning her dress. Katie says they’ll just all go together since Thomas is still pissed about the cheating. Panda screams, “GO GIRLS!” And Katie awesomely goes, “Yeah … uh … GO GIRLS! … right.” Freddie and JJ have come to shop, too, and Katie decides that the four of them will go to the ball together because Freds owes it to her. (And he does.) Freddie lets slip about JJ and Emily and their cute socks and the pity shag, and Dark Katiekins flashes behind Katie’s eyes.
She and Emily claw at each other on the way home. Katie’s like, “You have to ask if you want to shag someone!” And Emily’s all, “The hell you say!” And somewhere Naomi is phoning and phoning and phoning with no answer. Finally, she does get an answer. Emily says to meet her for coffee, but then: that twin thing works both ways. Surprise! At coffee is Katie! Katie literally says, “She’s mine. You’ll never love her as much as I do.” Which: Both true in their own ways, but not how Katie thinks it. Naomi says, “She can’t help what she is, Katie. And neither can I.” Dark Katiekins is in full-effect, word vomiting about how Emily could “help it when she was f–king JJ.”
At the ball, where Katie and Emily are wearing matching dresses, Naomi arrives and calls Emily right out about JJ. “She’s a great shag, isn’t she JJ?” Emily says she was going to tell her, and Naomi — just dragons clawing at her insides — goes, “But you didn’t, did you, hun?”
And then there is a brawl. Naomi attacks Katie and then Emily attacks Katie and they bang around in the classrooms and through the hallway and into the gym. Finally Emily gets her shit together, helps Katie to her feet and shakes it down thus: “I love you. I’ll never leave you, not really. But I like girls. No. I like a girl. No. I love her. Her.” She points to Naomi and then takes off her Katie dress to reveal an Emily dress. Emily walks over to Naomi, takes her hand, and leads her away.
On the way out the door, Naomi says, “I love you, too.” And Emily says, “I know.”
I could say a million more things. A million billion gazillion more things. But, then, I’d just be Naomi, telling you something you already know.
See you in 2011, thirsty for more.