“Skins” Retro Recap (3.07): “JJ”


On his way out, JJ pauses because he hears an unfamiliar sound behind him. Is it the rustle of angel’s wings, he wonders? Has God, in his infinite mercy, opened up heaven to send a celestial creature here to earth? Yes, JJ, he has. Behold the seraphic face of Emily Fitch.

He is surprised but delighted to see her — as all mortal beings are in the presence of the divine — but stops himself from asking why she’s there. She tells him anyway: She was looking for a little help learning to be more honest. (Which is like: Only a kitten is cute enough to ask for help being even cuter, you know?) They bond over the STUN pills their counselors gave them. JJ thinks they must be magic if they can calm one down and help one be more honest. She asks if he needs help calming down, and JJ says out loud the internal dialogue that’s been racing through Naomi’s head since she turned her own personal ICMBs to Target: Emily. "Believe me, I do. I’m getting overstimulated just talking to you."

He tries to backtrack, but she smiles her ethereal smile and says not to worry, that it’s hard telling people stuff about yourself, but that she’s going to try. Because of course she is. Because she’s got a collection of fannies under her bed that she keeps stuffing back into a box, but she’s made love to Naomi now, which opened up a whole other thing, and she’s never going to be able to tuck that away and hide it.

I want to have sex with girls. Yeah. I like girls. I like sex with girls. I like their rosey lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft thighs. I like tits and fanny, you know? There I said it!

JJ passes out. I kind of felt like passing out the first time I watched this too because when have you ever seen a lesbian character on a network TV show getting to embrace the sexual part of her sexuality? Um, never.

Rophy says: LOL, yeah okay, Hogan. We’ll see who believes you felt lightheaded because of that. Not at all because of Emily screaming, ‘TITS AND FANNY!!!!!!’

Emily and JJ go to the park because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic. Their picnic of pills. He lays it all out there for her, including his vitamin C which he pops all the time because it’s nice and fizzy. Emily decides to give at a go, but I guess you guys don’t have Pop Rocks in England because if you did Emily would know not to try to wash that thing down with a carbonated beverage. At this summer camp I went to one time, the campers swore a kid’s head exploded because he chased three packs of Pop Rocks with a Sprite.

Luckily that fate does not await Emily Fitch. Freddie, on the other hand — nah, too easy.

JJ swoops in and saves her life, and for his reward he cops a feel. Emily is like, "Dude, you’re copping a feel." And he’s like, "Yeah, I know."

She thinks it’s time to bounce, but JJ loses it and starts bashing himself harder than even Rophy has ever done — and that’s saying something! Emily flashes her breasts at him and he shuts it down. Which: Maybe you’re a gold star lesbian, so let me just tell you — guys do not get calmer when you show them your naked breasts. But whatever. He zips it up. She tells him to start asking for the things he wants — which is kind of awesome because you can totally tell this a new thing she’s decided to do in her life too — and he asks to see her breasts again. She says no, and even though it’s not her problem, she agrees to help him on his quest anyway. Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee did the same thing. Hobbits stick together! Ducks never say die!

Rophy says: *slow building chant* Quack…quack…quack…

Emily and JJ go to Freddie’s house where JJ plans to tell him to make up with Cook and stop ruffling his hair. Karen answers the door and the look on her face when she sees Emily, I just — If she’s from heaven and you hate her, Karen, what does that make you? Emily is like, "Do I even know you?" And Karen’s face when she works it out is deliciously sinister. She walks JJ and Emily to Freddie’s door and pulls out a tub of popcorn. JJ knocks; Freddie doesn’t answer. JJ requests an audience with Freddie; Freddie tells him he’s a bit busy. Emily is like, "Fuck’s sake," and she comes crashing in to find Katie surfing Freddie’s turf.

"Now," Karen says, "Does everyone know each other?"

Katie’s face behind the covers. I die every time.

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