“Skins” Retro Recap (3.01): “Everyone”

In the Roundview gym, Freddie and JJ are yammering on about Effy again — this time about which one of them she bestowed a smile upon when she turned around — but my interest in their plight just decreased by precisely 100 percent, because Cook is, "Blah blah blah hair on his balls," and then it happens. Out of the darkness, Naomi Campbell’s caustic voice says, "Nice."

Don’t look at her jacket, you guys. Just close your eyes and pretend it’s a t-shirt or something. One that fits her. She calls Cook a tosser, but also is charmed by him and, frankly, I can’t blame her. I think there was a time I hated him, too, but I can’t even remember it now. [Rophy says: It was probably during that brief, unnerving window where it looked like he might actually be going to steal the Naom out of Naomily. Just saying.]

With a few notable exceptions — the Fitches, for example; and Naomi’s mum — I think adult characters steal precious sceen time from the real reason this show is awesome, so here’s what you need to know about the Roundview opening assembly: These kids are going to get some qualifications or they will be burned at the stake/mauled by a wild pack of koala bears.

So, this timid little guidance counselor calls out the names of the students in form BD1. Cook, Freddie and JJ make the cut, preserving the integrity of the unit. Emily and Katie are together because all red-haired kids get sorted into the same house, which I learned from Harry Potter. Effy’s name is called. And then " … Naomi Campbell?"

Everyone laughs and laughs like no one has ever shared a name with a notorious celebrity model before, and Naomi roles her eyes and raises her hand because this again? Cook asks if she has anger management issues and she says only when she talks to wankers. Nice. Cook thinks so too.

After the dust settles, Naomi takes a deep breath — I mean, it seems impossible that her thin shoulders could bear such a breath — and scowls over at Emily, as if she hates her from some place way back. But the thing is: a) Naomi knew exactly where Emily was sitting, and b) She knew Emily was staring at her, like she’s got some kind of Emily-specific lezzer-sense or something.

(Spider-Man’s spidey-sense starts in the base of his skull and alerts him to trouble with tingling in proportion to the severity of the danger. If that’s how Naomi’s lezzer-sense works, her head must be about to f-cking explode.)

"Oh, Christ," Naomi says. "Same f-cking form."

Emily meets Naomi’s eyes, looks away, looks back.

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