And if you think that meeting went poorly, wait until Lara meets JJ’s parents. But first: "Your friends are weird," she says. (Remember last year, what JJ said to Freds when he found him shagging Katie? "I’m the normal one!")
And maybe he is. And maybe so is Lara. And maybe JJ’s mum could have liked her. She liked Emily, after all, that morning with the toast. But the baby throws her, and even JJ’s dad looks up from his newspaper. They both kind of accidentally call Lara a slut, so she leaves to change the baby, but can’t get into the toilet because the Hairless Bandit is in there shaving his chest.
Lara bounces, and JJ’s mum is like, "James, aren’t you supposed to be in prison?"
The second best love story on this show has always been Freddie/JJ/Cook. It’s something we never get to see on TV, guys just adoring each other and sacrificing for each other and taking care of each other. Yeah, they all fell under Effy’s Dark Magic and that cracked things up for a long time, but even so, they always loved each other best.
Cook is wearing JJ’s pajama pants, the ones with the bears on them.
Cook: You’re a man, aren’t ya, Screaming J? A man of flesh and blood and fight — spunk. hair. fists. J, you find this Liam twat and you have it out with him, man-to-man.
JJ: Like you and Freddie did with Effy? A lot of good it did. She went mad.
Cook packs up and leaves for The House of Fun, and JJ takes his advice and goes to StuffMart to beat the crap out of Liam. Shockingly, Lara doesn’t find this attractive in the least.
Back at home, JJ’s dad gives him a pep talk that’s slightly better than Cook’s, but Cook’s speech apparently included some excellent shagging tips, so we’ll call it a wash. Michael Jackson sings a little about starting with the man in the mirror, which wakes JJ’s dad out of his decades-long slumber, and JJ radios home: "Let’s refuel this g-d d–n ship!"
Apparently JJ’s mothership is the headquarters of the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain. They heed his call and come to his aid, and outside Lara’s window late that night, they perform a pretty excellent rendition of Spandau Ballet’s "True," which is not only the single greatest song of the ’80s, but is 100 percent guaranteed to get you laid if you put it on a mix CD.
Lara is annoyed, impressed, moved, and she runs out into the street and kisses JJ good and long. They hurry upstairs and crawl all over each other all over the bed. Emily told JJ he never asked for things, and so he did. He finally, finally did. Some things he didn’t get. (They still ruffle his hair. Effy didn’t leave them alone.) But some things he did. Sex with a lesbian? Check. Sex in outer space? Check. Captain’s log: This is the sound of my soul. This is the sound.