JJ explains the many reasons Cook can’t stay at his house, including the fact that he is, at that exact moment, shaving his balls with JJ’s mum’s razor, but he relents when Cook tells him the only three things a person needs to to know about women: 1) Be cool. 2) Touch her so she doesn’t think she’s ugly. 3) Check to see if her pupils are dilated, because then you’ll know if she wants to shag you.
JJ takes Cook’s advice on his date, to which he shows up two hours early, but that’s OK because that gives him time to meet Lara’s baby, Albert. JJ is freaked out for a second, but then he discovers that unlike his friends, babies like magic tricks. Also, boy babies will pee right in your face when you’re changing their diapers. Oh, and Liam, Al’s dad, is kind of a wanker.
Lara and JJ go to a pub where he tries to order some kind of cocktail involving a Capri Sun, which frankly sounds delicious, but makes him seem terribly uncool.
He covertly consults his palm notes for the tenth time, and well, well, well — what have we here? It’s Emily Fitch, the other girl who fell for JJ’s vitamin C trick, and she’s got a giant not-Naomi in tow.
JJ calls out, "Emily?" And Emily turns around like she’s busted, because she is.
JJ can’t quite figure out how to introduce Lara, so she’s like, "I’m your friend, JJ," and Emily piggy-backs right off that explanation and introduces not-Naomi as her "…friend, Mandy." Giant not-Naomi — who is wearing a giant pair of not-Naomi earrings and a giant not-Naomi necklace — gives a half-hearted not-Naomi smile, crosses her giant not-Naomi arms and sighs a not-Naomi sigh. And I’ll tell you what else: I like Lara, but her face says she’s not so impressed with Emily Fitch.
(I guess, unlike you, Lara won’t be voting for Kat Prescott in this year’s AfterEllen Hot 100, huh?)
Emily says they were "just going," and giant not-Naomi says, "But we just got here!" But she follows Emily anyway, pausing on the way out to say, "She’s lovely, isn’t she?" in a kind of possessive way that I do not like one bit, which is why I said, out loud to the TV, "Yes, she is, and keep your giant damn hands off of her."
JJ calls it odd, even though it’s not really, given the circumstances, but it is sad because what it means is that Emily is trying to fill the Naomi-shaped hole in her heart. I guess that’s why she picked the hugest teenage lesbian she could find; Mandy takes up some space.