“Shear Genius” mini-cap: the stylist has a wife

I must preface this recap by saying that in my 29 years I have never, ever uttered the words “I told you so” — until last night’s Shear Genius, when Matthew started his matrimonial shenanigans. When I watched the stylists’ 60-second bios on Bravo.com’s homepage weeks ago, I knew Matthew wasn’t going to be able to shut his trap about being straight and married, and I have never been more correct. So this week’s Shear Genius drinking game goes thusly: Every time Matthew says “wife” take a drink. I am warning you, though, reach to the back of your cabinet for those tiny one ounce shot glasses or you’re looking at a rough morning tomorrow.

Jaclyn Smith congratulates Charlie for winning last week’s elimination challenge, and for having his style on The Allure Wall of Fame. She then asks him who is the weakest stylist, and Charlie says Gail is struggling a little bit. Gail kind of agrees, but says she is a fighter. Matthew says, “You didn’t ask me any questions.” Everyone giggles uncomfortably. “No questions, no answers!” says Matthew. Before I can figure out what he’s getting at, Glenn interviews: “Matthew has really bad social skills. He bitches a lot, and he gets on everybody’s nerves.”

For today’s shortcut challenge, the stylists will each be constructing an up-do that is “strategically complicated,” plus it must include an accessory. The models come out, and holy Rapunzel! Would you look at all that hair! Every model has hair that is at least butt-long, some of it is ankle-long.

“Miles of hair!” squeals Daniel.

Meredith says, “Lord Jesus.”

The stylists are not allowed to cut their clients’ hair, which poses quite a problem for Meredith on account of her client’s hair being 68 inches long, and Meredith being 62 inches tall. Matthew says he’s going to make a headdress of curls. Charlie says he’s going to play it a little safe because of all the heavy hair. Meredith calls upon the Lord once more. And Dee says she hopes Nekisa doesn’t get sent home because Nekisa is the only one she has been able to connect with so far (and also that Nekisa is hot.)

The stylists hover over a bowl of accessories, and the common consensus is that it takes a fool to grow out hair like this. I don’t know if it takes a fool, but it probably takes a really strong neck.

Campbell calls time, and after telling Charlie that his hair looked “bridal” during the challenge, chooses him in the top two with Matthew. The other stylists give Charlie the stink-eye, because he is the golden boy at this point in the competition. Well, for this shortcut challenge, he’s more like the silver boy because Matthew wins. Matthew smirks and says [shot glasses at the ready] that winning the challenge felt like the first time his wife told him she loved him. [Drink!] Jaclyn tells Matthew that he’ll get to assign the order in which the other stylists pick their models tomorrow. Matthew’s like, “Fine, whatever.” Then, apropos of nothing, he says he’s been with his wife [Drink!] every day for the last seven years.

Meredith interviews: “Do I think I’m going to suck up to Matthew tonight? I think everyone’s going to suck up to Matthew tonight.”

Back at the house, however, noone can participate in said sucking up because Matthew has gone to his room already. Meredith goes to get him, and we hear his voiceover saying that being on Shear Genius is like being in high school, and he doesn’t need that because he has a wife [Drink!], a “perfect 10 wife.” [Drink!] Meredith drags him upstairs, where they toast his win. The stylists thought he’d go back to his lair like usual, but he doesn’t. He mills around the common room and Dee canoodles him a little.

At the elimination challenge, the stylists will first pick dresses, and then they’ll get the models that go inside. Matthew says he is going to pick a dress that would look good on his wife. [Drink!] Mentor Rene is all, “Brah, your wife is not here.” (Rough translation, I’m still not so good with Rene’s accent.) Everyone chuckles, because they’ve had enough of Matthew too. The other stylists pick their dresses in the order deemed by Matthew, and then Matthew says he is going to channel the love of his wife and try his hardest to win today for his wife. [Just... start guzzling.]

Everyone styles away, and Daniel interviews that he is so nervous because he has the feeling they’re going to meet a celebrity today. “You saw my reaction with the Housewives, for God’s sakes,” he says. Hee! I like Daniel.

Matthew, who is suddenly feeling cocky, starts trash talking Charlie: “What are you doing over there, bitch? You wanna take this outside, bitch?”

Charlie says, “Only if you’re rough with me,” when what he really means is “I’m going perform this trick where I complete the exact same hairstyle as you, and when mine is genuinely awesome, and the judges call yours ‘My Little Pony’ we’ll see who is the bitch.” Matthew doesn’t hear that part, though, because he’s busy not listening to his client warning that her hair won’t hold curl.

The hair show this week is on a real live red carpet — presumably one that has been set up outside the back door of the studio, or in a Target parking lot. The guest judges are Mark Townsend, a celebrity hairstylist, and Sami Brady from Days of Our Lives. The models climb out of a limousine one by one. Most of the styles look good, except for Matthew’s — but maybe his looks good, too, and I am just over him.

No, my instincts were correct: it looks genuinely terrible.

After the models have a chance to walk down the “red carpet,” the hair show moves inside for judging. Meredith, Dee, Nekisa and Daniel are safe, so they are sent to the un-Genius lobby to wait while the judges deliberate. Glenn’s style has a wayward piece that makes Kim Vo want to slap her. Matthew agrees that his client’s hair is a train wreck. Charlie says he sacrificed a little creativity for color, but the judges think it looks amazing. Paulo’s style is a little whimsical, sort of like Princess Leia on a walk of shame after a fancy party. Sami hates it.

Charlie wins the elimination challenge. He interviews: “I know the other stylists were starting to get really f—–g annoyed with me.”

Matthew loses, and Jaclyn tells him he has made his final cut. “Good,” says Matthew. “Thank you. I am just so glad to go home to my wife.”

Meredith interviews: “His wife just must be great in bed.”

Straight folks eliminated: 3. Gay folks eliminated: 0. Number of times Matthew said “wife”: 11. Good luck with the hangover.

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