Shanna Moakler tells you how to get “Crowned”

The CW wants you to watch its new reality show Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, which made its debut last week.

This reality nightmare follows mother-daughter teams as they vie for beauty pageant greatness and live in one big happy household while doing so. (It wouldn’t be a true reality show without forced co-habitation, now would it?) The fact that Carson Kressley, minus his Queer Eye cronies, is one of the pageant judges is not enough to get me watching. Seems I made a good choice, considering the scathing reviews so far.

Shanna Moakler, who repeatedly reminds the viewing audience that she was once Miss America, is one of the other judges involved in this debacle.

EW.com has a little video list that shows Moakler detailing her five pageant don’ts. Allow me the pleasure of sharing that list with you.

1. No stripper shoes. And by that she means no six-inch heels. I guess that eliminates Katee Sackhoff and her Wizard of Oz heels.

2. No short gowns. And by that she means gowns that stop anywhere above the ankles. There goes Angelina Jolie from the pageant winner’s circle.

3. Don’t forget the judges. And by that she means look those point-givers in the eye as you walk the walk. I’m guessing a smile like Whoopi‘s might help as well. (I dare you to tell me this woman isn’t a beauty queen.)

4. Don’t pick your wedgies. And by that she means leave that swimsuit tucked between your cheeks or remember to properly tack it in place before you try to strut your stuff. I wonder if Beyonce had this problem while modeling for Sports Illustrated?

5. No ’80s hair. And by that she means “sleak and beautiful, not big and fro-ey.” Her word, not mine. And personally, I’m all for siccing Angela Basset on her for that ridiculous comment.

This list might make you chuckle, and you might even think that this former pageant queen might have a little snarkitude going for her. I certainly thought that the first time I watched the video, which I had on mute to avoid detection at work. I was initially impressed at what appeared to be Ms. Moakler making fun of her pageant ways. Then I watched it again later with the audio. Turns out she’s not making fun at all. She’s very serious in her presentation. And apparently the same rules do not apply post-pageant.

Watching moms and daughters snipe at each other for eight weeks while trying to win coveted tiaras could have been a fun, guilty pleasure, but if Moakler’s seriousness is any indication, this show falls victim to the taking-itself-too-seriously trap. It also has me fervently hoping for a return to the bargaining table by the studio bigwigs and the WGA. I’m not sure how much reality I can take. So, allow me to add my own personal don’t to the list: Don’t make reality shows about beauty pageants. Blech. I might have to turn off the TV and go read a book. Perish the thought.

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